Month: October 2014

Why aren’t there any good Halloween songs coming out anymore? I get that “Thriller” may never be topped, but it feels like there’s a market for Halloween songs that just hasn’t been tapped in a long time. We have tons of scary sounding music from scary looking people, but nothing has really seemed to click in decades. Maybe musicians should do Halloween albums, rather than the crap they put out for the holidays. That’s the world I want to live in. If you were busy announcing a bunch of movies this week, odds are you missed it.

Sticking the landing
This week, a commercial rocket carrying supplies and scientific experiments exploded just six seconds into its launch at a NASA facility in Virginia. Officials say that the rocket was terminated when it was clear there was a problem that would keep it from reaching orbit, plus it’s fun to scare the crap out of the local wildlife.

Breaking out during an outbreak
Because of the paranoia surrounding the Ebola virus, there have been various quarantines put in place for any military or health workers coming back from African countries where the outbreak still exists. To protest the forced quarantine she was under in New Jersey, nurse Kaci Hickox made herself into a political pawn. She broke her quarantine, was sent home to Maine, and broke her quarantine there, too. She hasn’t shown symptoms of the virus yet, but karma hasn’t yet been reached for comment.

Pee-Wee Three
After years of talking about it, Paul Reubens announced that a third Pee-Wee Herman movie is in the works. Production is set to start early next year. Fans are excited at the news, because it’s long past time we traumatized the younger generation.

We at SeriouslyGuys are most assuredly on the side of Halloween. When else can we get away with buying lots of candy? That’s why we can’t stand it when some jerks are trying to ruin the holiday, whether it’s creepers putting razor blades in apples, dentists handing out toothbrushes or wild pigs.

That’s right, Florida continues to be a constant portent of the apocalypse, this time around with wild pigs running around. So far, the law can’t track all of them down and kids might come across a gang of these porcine street toughs (warning: autoplay). Don’t let Halloween be cancelled! Run out and get your pork barbecue tonight!

Stick with me on this.

You might’ve noticed that we’ve been keen these past few weeks on running stories about clowns and how demonic they’ve been. We can’t help it, these type of stories fall into our modus operandi. Also, clowns are kind of creepy. So when I decide to take a peek at a movie involving a clown, I automatically get a little hesitant.

Stitches is an Irish horror comedy that I didn’t know what to expect from going in. I just knew it had a killer clown in it. All things considered, I went in with very low expectations. Luckily, I came out pleasantly surprised, because despite some pacing issues, Stitches turned out to be a pretty entertaining throwback to the cheesy slashers from a bygone era. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Stitches’

Just remember, if you visit and find a hair in your food or your coffee, you have no right to complain whatsoever.

So, you know, have fun not ever pissing off the people that make the food there.

Despite having an entire day dedicated to talking like them, pirates are still second-class citizens here in America. In recent weeks, we’ve seen pirates get beaten up and have security called on them just for how they dress. The hatred continues.

In Hawaii, a place that ought to have a lot of experience with pirates, one man was flying back from Maui to San Francisco, or at least he tried. TSA agents didn’t like that he had a cannon barrel in his checked luggage even though it wasn’t loaded. A pirate never travels without his guns. After some unwarranted harassment and trampling of his rights as a human, the pirate was allowed to board his flight, but his cannon barrel had to fly back separately.

Look past the eye patch, people!

Behold, for the serpentine messiah has come to wrought his wrath upon the land. With forked tongue and body of upside-down diamond pattern, his mark of the beast will be literal. Because he’s a beast.

Maybe we should be worried, but since a virgin birth snake was born in Kentucky, we have about a 50/50 chance that the snake has holy/unholy powers or is inbred.

Unless we kiss our ban on snakes on planes goodbye, we’re not gonna make it out of the War on Animals alive. That’s because there’s a new threat to human aviation: mice on a plane.

The crew for a Norwegian commercial flight to New York found a mouse in the cockpit. They then had to delay the flight for five hours to check all the avionics because mice routinely chew up cables and wires. (“Found” copper brings in a whole lot of cheddar.)

This isn’t even the first time it’s happened. Norwegian Air Shuttle spokesperson, Charlotte Holmbergh admitted, “This does not happen very often, but it does happen from time to time.”

One time is too, and so especially is an airline threat that has now appeared time after time. If a plane falls, we can’t catch it, we’ll all be waiting, time after time … Time after time … Time after time.

Good news, everyone of our target demographic reading this: you’re going to live longer than Justin Bieber. Miley Cyrus? You’re going to outlive her, too. In fact, every pop music star you can name, you’re going to bury them all.

No, we didn’t hire hit men or anything illegal unethical like that. A recent study found that being a pop star is bad your your health. In fact, it shortens your life expectancy by about 25 years. Mostly, it’s because young people aren’t equipped to handle their sudden rise to stardom, which leads to riskier behavior that is only encouraged as you get more famous.

Enjoy your long life being a nobody.

If he dresses like a Darth Vader, has his name changed like a Darth Vader and has stormtroopers surrounding him like a Darth Vader, then he’s a Darth Vader, right? But what about if he’s in the Ukraine?

Yes, and best of all, he wants your vote.

Seriously, he really needs your vote. See, Darth Vader is polling pretty low in the parliamentary elections. Unfortunately, this can be attributed to his involvement in the scandal known as “the prequel trilogy.”

Look, The Guys understand that the entire Internet is in an unannounced “Greatest Selfie of All Time” contest, which started right around the rise of Instagram. And we know that the Chinese word for “danger” is also the same word for “picturesque.” (Chinese is really easy because you only have to learn 50 percent of the vocabulary to use 100 percent of it.)

But, please, for the love of Matthew Brady, please stop taking selfies with bears.

U.S. Forest Service officials at Lake Tahoe have had it with people risking literally life and limb to take the selfie that will finally win the Internet: with a live bear. Rangers have seen people “[run] across the highway to get a closer look at the animals, and even [charge] off trails, through the forest and even over the creek to get closer to the hungry bears” [emphasis added].

People, let us remind you that we are at War with Animals. While it is commendable to document the enemies’ positions (along with a sweet #waronanimals hashtag) there is a safer way to get the picture you need. Rather than shoot with a cameraphone, shoot with a gun. We call it an ammosafari, which is like a photosafari only — instead of taking pictures — you take lives with a gun that you also took.