Month: April 2015

Good news in the War on Animals: for the first time ever in history, a “give drugs away for free to get everyone hooked” is not only real, but working. Bees can’t get enough of the very pesticide that might cause Colony Collapse Disorder.

Certain species actually prefer flowers treated with neonicotinoids to plain ass poseys. And that surprised the developers of it because they intentionally made it bitter to avoid such a reaction. Clearly, those researchers don’t drink coffee or smoke cigarettes (the latter of which contains the opposite of neonicotinoids: old, genuine nicotine).

So, thank you, D.A.R.E. officers for teaching us something useful besides how wearing skin-tight anti-drug t-shirts to raves is a great icebreaker.

The inevitable robot uprising isn’t all scary, even though it will have spider bots. It could even be sexy.

At a party in London celebrating the launch of Dutch online hosting company TransIP in the U.K., there were pole dancing robots on hand. As we’ve learned this week, hiring strippers is a great way to get people to show up for your party. The robots motions were limited, and they didn’t look very lifelike, but still they shook it for all to see, and no one tipped.

Perhaps it was their CCTV cameras for heads that kept the guys away.

For the sake of clarity, I am not a black person. Nor am I a person of any color, except possibly peach or, after a day of earning a beach-initials sticker for my Volvo, lobster red.

But, as a white person (by the way: I am white), this makes me uniquely qualified to advise other races on how to survive the system that my ancestors erected expressly for my personal benefit.

Don’t believe me? White people wrote at least 99 percent of the laws and sentencing codes in this country, and yet we still get probation for the offenses other races serve life sentences for. Same laws; different Pantone.

But, I’m also a generous white person. So, like most of my brethren online, I figured I’d explain to black people how to not be worthy of undue police attention and violence. There are really only two options …

Continue reading Take it from Snee: How to be responsibly black in America

America likes to pretend that fat kids are a new problem, even though we’ve always treated them like slovenly second-class second graders. But, now that there aren’t enough attractive kids built like 1980s Billy Zabka to torment them and shut down their rec centers, we’re calling it an epidemic. And that means that medical science is working hard to cure it.

One potential treatment? Drawing smiley faces on healthier foods. Researchers found sales of vegetables increased by 62 percent and fruits by 20 percent when they added smiley faces to their labels. Even milk purchases rose from 7.4% to 48%, although nobody mentioned if the smiley face was added to the missing child announcement on the carton.

So, either kids are as dumb as McDonald’s proved with Happy Meals, or kids just really want to eat faces. Any face. Your face.

We here at SG have laid out some of the biggest threats to civilization. So it should be no secret that two of the top candidates are animals and robots. But what if animals and robots teamed up?

Intel has taken the top spot of corporation reaching James Bond movie levels of sinister with the invention of spider robots. CEO Brian Krzanich, who even has a Bond villain name, demonstrated his companies new technology at a show in China. He showed that just by wearing a device on his hand, he can control at least three spider bots that look to be about the size of a cat.

The countdown to when they are sentient is now on.

I try to view myself as an even keeled person when it comes to sports and relevant social commentary. Yes, I’m aware enough of world events where I can splice in a few jokes about the world and have it tie in with whatever NFL or MLB topic I’m going over that week.

This week is different. Over the past week, the worlds of sports and social issues came together in some ways we have seen, and some ways we have never seen before, so here goes nothing.

The Bruce gender issue

Like a lot of people, last Friday I watched the Bruce Jenner interview with Diane Sawyer on ABC. Yes, part of it is because my wife watches E! every day, and I was forced to, after she’s seen just about every Kardashian show and subsequent spinoff since its inception, but also out of curiosity on a societal issue that we honestly don’t know that much about and the issue was about to get it’s most famous face.

The Jenner gender change is unique, especially from a generational perspective because there are two types of people that know him. The first, is the older generation that remember him as the greatest athlete alive, the epitome of physical fitness and really at one point was pretty much the man that a lot of men wanted to be. Continue reading Eat My Sports: This is what it’s like when worlds collide

Science can get confusing. In today’s news alone, the possibility that the universe is merely a two-dimensional surface that we project a third-dimension onto during observation (like a hologram) just gained more traction. Meanwhile, another group of scientists completed the most comprehensive three-dimensional map of the universe.

So, which is it, doctors? Does the universe have depth, or do we only imagine it, like in Hawkeye from The Avengers?

Fortunately, Prof. Stephen Hawking chimed in today: the universe is neither 3D nor 2D, but 1D, as in One Directional. He assured a girl at one of his Q&A sessions that, although it is depressing that Zayn Malik has left One Direction in our universe, theoretical physics mean that he could still be in the boy group in a parallel universe.

Looks like somebody’s been studying up on women after we called him out on it a couple of years ago.

If you’re reading this and you’re a woman, there’s a decent chance you’re drunk right now. It’s science.

According to a new study by the American Journal of Public Health, binge drinking among women is on the rise in the U.S. In case you’re wondering, the white coats define “binge drinking” as five or more drinks in a sitting for men, and four or more in a sitting for women. In fact, from 2002 to 2012, lady binge drinking rose by about 36%, while men rose by only 23%.

Congratulations, ladies. Every drink you take brings us all closer to gender equality.

With the weather continuing to warm, we’re seeing a rise in animal attacks. It’s only natural that our sworn enemies would start a new offensive as they wake up after the long winter. But not every animal hibernates the way bugs, bears and such do.

What’s worse is that we seem to be letting them get away with it. We allow these beasts to probe and exploit our weaknesses. They are using our compassion, our reason, and our sense of justice against us. Don’t believe me?

How about that a chimp is now considered a person in the eyes of the law? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Our enemies are becoming human

Feelings are tricky. When first experienced, they overwhelm to the point that you’ll honestly believe that you will never feel differently again, especially when it comes to loss and grieving. And then, poof, one day, you don’t feel as bad. And finally, after enough time, you feel a little silly explaining that memorial tattoo of your first cat to any new employers. It’s enough to make anyone feel a little guilty, like maybe our love wasn’t all strong that strong to begin with.

Well, if you can’t maintain the intensity of raw emotion for your lost loved ones, you can at least re-stimulate it for 3 to 15 minutes at a time, depending on your stamina and time between meetings at work. It’s all thanks to Mark Sturkenboom, who is the only man with the exact right name to create a dildo with people’s cremated ashes inside.

So, your loved ones aren’t really gone, not so long as they’re still inside of you.