Water-powered car potentially possible, still damaging

Do you live in Nibley City? Do you drive a diesel-powered vehicle? Then continue to not put water into your car, despite what you might think!

Nibley City has a problem: all of their drinking water’s got a little too much diesel in it. If you didn’t, any diesel in your drinking water is too much. According to officials, the fuel somehow made its way into the city spring. City workers are trying to flush it out of the drinking water supply and then out of the culinary water supply.

Boiling the water, officials say, will not remove the contamination. The ban on drinking water is not a recommendation, but a strict prohibition. It should not be used to cook, drink or use for washing dishes.

Finally, a problem where booze truly is not just the lesser of two evils, but is actually a probable solution.

MasterChugs Theater: End Scene

This is my last column at SeriouslyGuys, with tomorrow being my last day at our site. It’s been absolutely, one hundred percent, a blast writing for the site. That said, one thing tends to stick in my head. A long time ago, I wrote a review of a bad but oh so good movie, The Crippled Masters; however, I was given a piece of feedback stating that I had really phoned it in.

So, rather than do one last review, for my final column, we’re gonna phone it all in.

Hopefully, I’m not too late to save Bell Atlantic. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: End Scene

Kraft to remove artificial color, retain artificial flavor

Kraft has decided to remove the artificial color from Kraft Macaroni & Cheese (warning: autoplay). Yes, that’s right, the color you’re given does not occur naturally in nature, and come 2016, the Kraft Macaroni & Cheese that you prepare will look less like a crayon found in Crayola’s “Bold” box of colors.

Per their press release:

“We weren’t ready to change the product until we were confident that Kraft Macaroni & Cheese tastes like Kraft Macaroni & Cheese,”

This is an odd thing to say considering upon removing the color, they’re also adding in paprika, annatto, and turmeric, things that will change the flavor of food.

Just remember, your childhood will never be any less fluorescent yellow-orange or goopier.

Parrots: the talking killer

For decades now, the media would have you think that carbon monoxide is the worst thing in the world. And why not? Having been named “the silent killer,” carbon monoxide pretty much sounds like the most menacing thing EVER. Darth Vader? Cancer? White people during the Crusades? Carbon monoxide beats them all.

But that’s scary at the silent level. What’s never talked about is the loud killer. And no loud killer is deadlier than a parrot.

Parrots will nip at your fingers. They will poop anytime that they’re let out of their cage. They will keep you up at night. And the worst part is that they will 100 percent break the first amendment. No, they won’t prevent you from speaking, but one of the key parts of the first amendment is that not all free speech is protected, i.e., a person can’t scream ‘fire’ in a crowded theater when there’s no fire.

And that’s totally what parrots will do (warning: autoplay). Because nothing is deadlier than spitting in the face of our Constitution. America.

An ungrateful animal? Shocking.

Animals are one hundred percent the worst. It only makes sense that we’re at war with them! They’re smelly, they initiate fights for no reason, they bring disease … they’re nothing more than the state of Florida given form.

And zoo animals may possibly be the worst of the worst! We give them a home, feed them as needed and what do they do?

They attack their very dwellings out of anger like a child throwing a temper tantrum. How pathetic.

They do say that in business, you should do what you love …

Snoop Dogg has cast off his Snoop Lion title and reverted back to his nomenclature of Snoop Dogg. The reason? Snoop Lion is a relaxed raconteur, but Snoop Dogg is a no-nonsense businessman. And a businessman is most needed, as he’s now here to provide a service for Californians: app delivery weed.

Snoop and his investment firm, Casa Verde Capital, have invested, along with others, in Eaze. The app is designed like Uber: push a button on your phone and within 10 minutes, marijuana is delivered to you. If Denny’s could do the same thing, stoners all around the state might never be happier.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief’

In a relatively short time, director Alex Gibney has become quite the talented documentarian. Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief will not be changing that opinion anytime soon. The director’s adaptation of Lawrence Wright’s 2013 book on the religion’s bizarre history is fairly routine in terms of its allegations, but with such incredible material, that’s more than enough. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief’

Misogyny runs afoot in coleopterology

In a surprising and completely unexpected fashion, it appears that Connecticut’s southern pine beetles are very bad for pine trees. Who would’ve guessed?

Now, we don’t particularly care much for animals, especially given the desire of beetles to purposefully reduce our supply of oxygen. But what we certainly don’t care for is a smear campaign against a gender.

The female makes this when she comes in and she lays her eggs. Then the little larvae go off and form these little side tunnels.”

See, we at SG are very keen on equal rights. Don’t lay all the blame on the female members of the species, lay the blame on all of them. Don’t half-ass on eradication of a species, go all the way, we say.

Mayor misappropriates taxpayer funds, doesn’t misappropriate them enough

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: “Never half-ass something, full-ass it all the way.”