Nobody paid us to ask this

“Nobody — believe me — nobody knows better about swamps … let me tell you about swamps … there are many kinds of people — things — that live in them. And I’ve brought only the best, big league, into my administration.”
Let’s assume, for laughs, that there’s such a thing as “paid protesters.” That the only way for more people to protest a president than to attend his inauguration is if all those people were paid. That somebody who (a) had enough money (b) found value in giving it to a bunch of strangers to hold up signs and protest for women. Or for the environment. Or for science. Or to release tax records.

What’s the difference between such critters and a lobbyist?

Answer: The lobbyist gets a job in Donald Trump’s White House administration.

Authorities turn up heat on hot yoga founder

In hindsight, we’re not sure how anyone didn’t assume he’s a date rapist.

Authorities are on the hunt for Bikram Choudhury, the founder and namesake of Bikram or Hot Yoga. You may have heard of this from someone casually dropping into an unrelated conversation that they do yoga. Well, that fitness name drop is ruined forever, because Choudhury is now basically the Bill Cosby of stretching.

A judge in Los Angeles has issued an arrest warrant for Choudhury, who may have fled a $7 million dollar sexual harassment and wrongful termination suit by his former attorney by leaving the country. The lawyer, Minakshi “Miki” Jafa-Bodden, claims that Choudhury fired her after refusing to cover up allegations that Bikram raped and sexually assaulted a yoga student.

Police are now unleashing the dragnet, believing Choudhury fled to Mexico after hiding his assets. But, that was their first mistake: by turning up the heat, they’ve made it easier for Bikram to slip through any traps.

Highway to the early bird dinner zone

“Every time you hit the links, you’re unsafe.”

While marketing for some other film we won’t see where Tom Cruise runs with knife hands, he announced that a sequel to Top Gun “is going to happen,” and “filming will begin probably within the next year.”

Now, before we all dust off our bomber jackets, let’s pause a moment. It’s been 31 years since 1986’s Top Gun. Sources claim Cruise and Val Kilmer will be in it. But, unless they’re admirals, they won’t be in uniform. (Well … shouldn’t be.)

So, if you’re still excited about Top Gun 2: Adventures in Contracting, where Maverick and Ice Man are from rival contractors vying for work in Naval Aviation Program Management Offices that buy new dongles for F-18s and Joint Strike Fighters, then you might be a very faithful Scientologist.

Drink your tits off

In the decision between heart and breast health, The Guys are firm believers that it’s what’s under your ribs that count.

Not to be a buzz kill, but a new report from the World Cancer Research Fund and the American Institute for Cancer Research reinforces a connection between daily drinking and breast cancer. And not in the good way like daily drinking and heart health. More like daily drinking and liver health.

According to research, sipping an impossibly small amount of alcohol a day — like, who only drinks a small glass of wine or only 8 ounces (half a pint) of beer? — corresponded with “a 5% increased breast cancer risk in premenopausal women and 9% increase in postmenopausal women.”

So, for those keeping score at home, the score between drinking and not drinking remains dead even. If that doesn’t call for a drink, we don’t know what does.

Turkey: U.S. police interfered with standard institutional violence

Freedom isn’t free … ♩ ♪
As Americans, we often fail to recognize that what we call vital to free speech are not universal measurements. For instance, we defend the expression of the otherwise indefensible, like Richard Spencer doing god knows what with his mom’s backyard Tiki torches in the name of “white separatism” and statues that nobody wants anymore. Just as long as he doesn’t physically attack anyone. (Although, it’s fair game should anyone want to hit him. That’s what happens when you become a Nazi. Ask a German.)

This is probably a surprise to our ambassador to Turkey, who was called in by their Foreign Office to hear complaints about our police force trampling the free speech rights of their security forces to beat down protesters.

On May 16, local police reported that Turkish security officers charged at and started beating the pacifism out of protesters outside of their embassy in Washington, D.C. Nobody is claiming that didn’t happen because the whole thing was caught on video.

But, the Turkish government has taken umbrage with the “aggressive” way our security and local police forces got in the way of Turkey’s beatdown —  a perfectly normal expression by the Erdogan government back home.

Apparently, that’s where their free speech ends — right behind fists thrown by dudes in Oakleys. Tomato, domates, are we right?

Taking the piss out of calling beer ‘piss’

And then pour it on barley … but don’t drink that cocktail!

The average temperature of the Earth is rising, as are the oceans from heat expansion and melting polar ice. And now we’re recycling urine for drinking. Oh, to live in the universe where Waterworld was the top grossing summer blockbuster of 1995 and we took sustainable steps to prevent climate change.

Instead, here we are, learning to make beer from piss, probably so we can forget about our nearly entirely plastic island in the Pacific.

A Danish brewer used barley fertilized with processed urine collected from a music festival to brew Pisner, a pilsner beer. The beer itself contains no urine, despite all the stout- and porter-lovers’ claims that it might taste like it. Denmark’s Agriculture and Food Council is using it as proof of concept for the terrible, urine-soaked world of our future where everything is grown with fewer resources.

So, thanks, critics and theater goers of 1995 who didn’t make Waterworld the global wake-up call it should have been. Especially if you did go see Avatar multiple times — a blatant rip-off of Kevin Costner’s other opus, Dances with Wolves.

In short, we all owe Mr. Costner a beer.

Endangerous Tinder liaisons last chance to save white rhino

It’ll take at least $9 million dollars to convince these handlers to jack off a rhino. Donate today.

We suspect that Kenya doesn’t use Tinder much. Because, if they did, they’d know that most people aren’t using the app to get pregnant. Nearly the opposite, in fact. But, if the Ol Pejeta conservatory is aware that most casual hookups aren’t looking to continue their species, they aren’t showing it in their latest attempt to save the white rhino: a Tinder profile for Sudan, the last known male of his kind.

The conservatory needs to raise $9 million dollars to extract Sudan’s sperm and fertilize eggs from two of the last female white rhinos. They tried the old-fashioned way, but apparently Sudan wasn’t able to make a successful connection. (Be careful swiping right, ladies. Ol’ Softdick’s likely to call you a “whore” if you don’t respond to his messages right away.)

Surprisingly, though, the profile/marketing gimmick is working. Tinder users in 190 countries have swiped right on Sudan’s profile — so many that they crashed Ol Pejeta’s Web site, which is where the app redirects hornballs.* So, if you thought you were going to get with 6 feet and 5,000 pounds of horny fury, you’re not only going have to settle for 5’8, 195 pound Chad, but you might not even get to help Sudan.

And, hey, who knows? Maybe Sudan will be able to get it up again for his fans once the pressure’s off to make a baby.

A cloud with a Patron Silver lining

This won’t be our first twirl around a light post, but it will be our grandest.

This is it, boozehounds! This is the day we’ve trained for! Mexico has invented a cloud that precipitates tequila, and, brothers and sisters, The Guys are ready to sing in that rain.

Of course, there are a couple of threats to consider:

1. The border wall is no defense against Mexico’s greatest export since Taco Tuesday in aerosol form.

2. It’s being developed with the Germans. That can’t be good.

3. It’s the greatest weather-based threat to clothes since acid rain. The aftermath of a full-on tequila storm will leave more people naked than Burning Man. And possibly result in The Purge.

But, let’s be honest: if it were up to The Guys, this is the form of our destruction that we’d choose. #zuul

Mecha lekka hi, mecha hiney holy sh*t!

The Method 2 comes with everything seen here! (Jeff “Get Away from Her, You B*tch” Bezos sold separately.)

Nobody knows whether Amazon founder, Washington Post owner and possibly billionaire supervillain Jeff Bezos bears humanity good or ill will. But, he’s bringing us working mechanized robot suits, so we guess we’re onboard either way. (At the very least, we’ll need our own lest we bring a gun to a mecha fight.)

Bezos demonstrated both a semi-working 13-foot tall, 1.5 ton Korean bipedal robotic vehicle and how slimming jumpsuits are this week at his MARS conference. An acronym for Machine-Learning, Automation, and Space Exploration, admittance was invitation only — no one unserious about conquering this world or any other allowed.

The only thing delaying our eventual dominance is that, while your average web purveyor of lube can operate the arms, nobody has seen the Method 2 walk yet. So, we’ve got some time yet to panic.

Even if it can walk, we can always run from it up or down stairs.

Governor who excluded can’t tolerate exclusion

When you realize you can only get a part-time teaching gig at Liberty University or Arizona State.

A while back, we issued a warning that, while wealthy people like Donald Trump who don’t need to ever work can afford to be an assh*le, the rest of us cannot. That’s not to say that we should also have that right, just to remember that even a rich douche is still a douche, just one who will never face the consequences of what they say, do or feel. The rest of us don’t live in that world.

And, by “the rest of us,” we also mean former North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory, who’s allegedly having trouble finding consulting work after not only signing anti-trans bathroom law HB2, but still arguing for it after leaving office. And he’s surprised:

The former Republican governor says HB2 ‘has impacted me to this day, even after I left office. People are reluctant to hire me, because, “oh my gosh, he’s a bigot” – which is the last thing I am.’

[…]

‘That’s not the way our American system should operate – having people purged due to political thought.’

In other words: the dude who made a big deal out of what bathroom you use can’t understand what the big deal is.