Taking the piss out of calling beer ‘piss’

And then pour it on barley … but don’t drink that cocktail!

The average temperature of the Earth is rising, as are the oceans from heat expansion and melting polar ice. And now we’re recycling urine for drinking. Oh, to live in the universe where Waterworld was the top grossing summer blockbuster of 1995 and we took sustainable steps to prevent climate change.

Instead, here we are, learning to make beer from piss, probably so we can forget about our nearly entirely plastic island in the Pacific.

A Danish brewer used barley fertilized with processed urine collected from a music festival to brew Pisner, a pilsner beer. The beer itself contains no urine, despite all the stout- and porter-lovers’ claims that it might taste like it. Denmark’s Agriculture and Food Council is using it as proof of concept for the terrible, urine-soaked world of our future where everything is grown with fewer resources.

So, thanks, critics and theater goers of 1995 who didn’t make Waterworld the global wake-up call it should have been. Especially if you did go see Avatar multiple times — a blatant rip-off of Kevin Costner’s other opus, Dances with Wolves.

In short, we all owe Mr. Costner a beer.

Endangerous Tinder liaisons last chance to save white rhino

It’ll take at least $9 million dollars to convince these handlers to jack off a rhino. Donate today.

We suspect that Kenya doesn’t use Tinder much. Because, if they did, they’d know that most people aren’t using the app to get pregnant. Nearly the opposite, in fact. But, if the Ol Pejeta conservatory is aware that most casual hookups aren’t looking to continue their species, they aren’t showing it in their latest attempt to save the white rhino: a Tinder profile for Sudan, the last known male of his kind.

The conservatory needs to raise $9 million dollars to extract Sudan’s sperm and fertilize eggs from two of the last female white rhinos. They tried the old-fashioned way, but apparently Sudan wasn’t able to make a successful connection. (Be careful swiping right, ladies. Ol’ Softdick’s likely to call you a “whore” if you don’t respond to his messages right away.)

Surprisingly, though, the profile/marketing gimmick is working. Tinder users in 190 countries have swiped right on Sudan’s profile — so many that they crashed Ol Pejeta’s Web site, which is where the app redirects hornballs.* So, if you thought you were going to get with 6 feet and 5,000 pounds of horny fury, you’re not only going have to settle for 5’8, 195 pound Chad, but you might not even get to help Sudan.

And, hey, who knows? Maybe Sudan will be able to get it up again for his fans once the pressure’s off to make a baby.

A cloud with a Patron Silver lining

This won’t be our first twirl around a light post, but it will be our grandest.

This is it, boozehounds! This is the day we’ve trained for! Mexico has invented a cloud that precipitates tequila, and, brothers and sisters, The Guys are ready to sing in that rain.

Of course, there are a couple of threats to consider:

1. The border wall is no defense against Mexico’s greatest export since Taco Tuesday in aerosol form.

2. It’s being developed with the Germans. That can’t be good.

3. It’s the greatest weather-based threat to clothes since acid rain. The aftermath of a full-on tequila storm will leave more people naked than Burning Man. And possibly result in The Purge.

But, let’s be honest: if it were up to The Guys, this is the form of our destruction that we’d choose. #zuul

Mecha lekka hi, mecha hiney holy sh*t!

The Method 2 comes with everything seen here! (Jeff “Get Away from Her, You B*tch” Bezos sold separately.)

Nobody knows whether Amazon founder, Washington Post owner and possibly billionaire supervillain Jeff Bezos bears humanity good or ill will. But, he’s bringing us working mechanized robot suits, so we guess we’re onboard either way. (At the very least, we’ll need our own lest we bring a gun to a mecha fight.)

Bezos demonstrated both a semi-working 13-foot tall, 1.5 ton Korean bipedal robotic vehicle and how slimming jumpsuits are this week at his MARS conference. An acronym for Machine-Learning, Automation, and Space Exploration, admittance was invitation only — no one unserious about conquering this world or any other allowed.

The only thing delaying our eventual dominance is that, while your average web purveyor of lube can operate the arms, nobody has seen the Method 2 walk yet. So, we’ve got some time yet to panic.

Even if it can walk, we can always run from it up or down stairs.

Governor who excluded can’t tolerate exclusion

When you realize you can only get a part-time teaching gig at Liberty University or Arizona State.

A while back, we issued a warning that, while wealthy people like Donald Trump who don’t need to ever work can afford to be an assh*le, the rest of us cannot. That’s not to say that we should also have that right, just to remember that even a rich douche is still a douche, just one who will never face the consequences of what they say, do or feel. The rest of us don’t live in that world.

And, by “the rest of us,” we also mean former North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory, who’s allegedly having trouble finding consulting work after not only signing anti-trans bathroom law HB2, but still arguing for it after leaving office. And he’s surprised:

The former Republican governor says HB2 ‘has impacted me to this day, even after I left office. People are reluctant to hire me, because, “oh my gosh, he’s a bigot” – which is the last thing I am.’

[…]

‘That’s not the way our American system should operate – having people purged due to political thought.’

In other words: the dude who made a big deal out of what bathroom you use can’t understand what the big deal is.

Parents live longer to post more pictures of their kids

They grow up so fast and yet postpone the merciful release of death. Children are selfish.

For all the talk out there about parenthood being hard — we wouldn’t create an entire industry of blogs if it wasn’t — there are allegedly benefits. And not just for chores. New research indicates that having children may help older people live longer than those who never do.

The researchers believe there are several factors — you can guilt adult children into caring for you, older adults may live healthier lives to beat their grandchildren when their kids aren’t looking. Personally, we think childless older people are more likely to fall off their jetskis or flip their dune buggies. You know, the ones they can afford when they retire because they didn’t pay for tuition, karate gis and dowries.

Researchers also noted that when people who live longer with children are asked about that time, they agree that life does feel longer and “like, an eternity since they pooped with the door closed.”

Update: People are the worst

“Only you can stop starting forest fires. Or peeing in the pool. Seriously. Stahp.”

As a species, we humans live in a constant state of denial. We’re programmed that way. For instance, an observable phenomenon known as Dunning-Kruger effect causes us to inflate how great we are to avoid depression, resulting in not understanding why we take bad pictures or sound weird in voicemail. (It’s because that’s how everyone else hears/sees us, please stop singing.)

This level of denial also applies to things that we definitely do, but would never cop to. Well, the science is in and, yep, we’re awful.

Lest anyone tries to deny peeing in the pool: we’re busted. Everyone knows now. We all thought it was the perfect crime — everyone’s wet, bathing suits don’t show pee, anything amiss is killed by chlorine … except artificial sweeteners. And they’re in everything, not just diet soda. You’re not fooling anyone, person who hasn’t left the pool for six hours except for new beers, and the chlorine smell is only getting stronger to kill your foul excretions.

Also, we’re the ones setting most forest fires. And not like just over half of them, and the other half is droughts, wind and Jerry Bruckheimer’s production logo. Five out of six forest fires — 84 percent — are started by us. We’re doing it so much that we stretched that normal 46 days per year of nature claiming California homes to 154 days, every year. Smokey’s too busy fighting the Trump administration, people. This one’s on us.

So, yeah. It’s time to face facts: people may overwhelmingly mean well, but we don’t act that way.

Straight men winning orgasm war

Also surprising to The Guys: just because she yells doesn’t mean she had an orgasm.

Research proves what we’ve always known about sex: men consistently come first. Of all the polled participants, straight men finish 95 percent in all sexual encounters, followed by gay men (89 percent), bisexual men (88 percent), lesbian women (86 percent), bisexual women (66 percent) and straight women (65 percent). Basically, once a dude is in the equation, women get the shaft and that’s about it because even lesbians earned a solid B.

What’s causing women to come second or never at all?

One cause is how good dudes are at sex, because our efficient one to 15 minutes of beer-flavored passion is not enough of a tantric marathon for most women. More than 30 minutes provides the highest frequency of women’s orgasms, so that’s gonna call for orange slices, ladies.

Another reason is oral sex — as in, it’s not just for birthdays and anniversaries unless that’s also only when you’re giving orgasms. Without it, only 35 percent of women finish. With it, they tie with lesbians — 86 percent, which pretty much proves how barely necessary penises are.

But, the most important factor: communication. 45 percent of women who asked for what they want reported finishing “usually to always.” 25 percent who did not ask for anything got just that — having orgasms “rarely to never.” So, if we could suggest what to ask for: ask for a lesbian.

#MPGA

Eat sh*t, My Very Energetic Mother who Just Served Us Nachos. This isn’t a ballgame — we demand Pizza.

Can you believe that, 10 years ago, Pluto stopped being a planet? Well, a planet planet. The International Astronomical Union (IAU) made it a dwarf planet, along with Ceres (OPA, represent!), Makemake and Eris. Yes, it’s been a decade since the only time Neil deGrasse Tyson disappointed anyone who isn’t a creationist. Everyone above a certain age beat their breasts and tore at their clothes because My Very Energetic Mother no longer Just Served Us any Pizzas, much less Nine of them.

But, the world, solar system, our universe and even the rest of us moved on. Except for some NASA scientists who allege that Pluto’s demotion has reduced interest and possibly even funding into projects like New Horizons to explore it. So, they’re proposing yet another definition for planets: any self-gravitational spheroid object that’s never undergone nuclear fusion. Or, round, but not a star.

Seems good enough, right? Let’s #MakePlutoGreatAgain!

Except … that means that we won’t have just nine planets again. The new definition will encompass moons, asteroids, balls of ice past Pluto and possibly even comets as planets. Oh, the things we’ll have to make our mothers do to memorize that list!

If these scientists think dwarf planets bore people, imagine how boring planetary exploration will become if everything’s a planet. Or, stated more simply: if everything is exciting, nothing is. Such is life.

Remember the emoticon!

We don’t have the heart to tell Texas how many other places thought of using red and white stripes, blue fields and white stars for their flags. But, Puerto Rico had better be ready for anything.

The phase-in of emojis is one of the fastest growing phenomenons in online communication … but not fast enough to avoid offending Texans. While the state flag of Texas is not a standard emoji, the national flag of Chile is. And confusion by some people using the Chilean flag to tweet about Texas has struck deep in the heart of one of their state legislators.

State Representative Tom Oliverson filed a non-punitive resolution for his fellow lawmakers to “to reject the notion that the Chilean flag, although it is a nice flag, can in any way compare to or be substituted for the official state flag of Texas and urge all Texans not to use the Republic of Chile flag emoji in digital forums when referring to the Lone Star Flag of the great State of Texas.”

Well, look at that. He expressed a grievance in order to educate in a fun way and even added that the Chilean flag “is a nice flag.”

Of course, it would be an awful shame if Chile asked Texas to stop referring to their meat and bean slurry as “chili” — an easy confusion. But, we’d consider that the price of using legislative hours for pedantry, even fun pedantry.