We’ve got bad news if you waited until the last-minute to order this year’s hottest stocking stuffer. Amazon pulled infant circumcision training kits off of the market after so-called “doctors” raised concerns about amateurs cutting off wieners.
So, if you’re not sure how to circumcise a baby, now you’ll have to crowd-source for tips.
Penis.
SpaceX successfully delivered supplies with their Dragon spacecraft to the International Space Station. If that doesn’t give you an image of a dragon-hulled Viking ship in space, then its manifest will: it delivered supplies to test if we can brew beer in space. We’re about to go just a little more boldly — thanks to booze — where we haven’t gone before.
Budweiser provided 20 barley seeds to see how they grow in microgravity. This is admittedly a few steps earlier than when The Guys start brewing. But, this is pretty important if we’re ever marooned on Mars.
However, SeriouslyGuys is a little concerned. With Budweiser on the ISS, there’s a distinct lack of beer diversity in space. Contact your congressperson and ask for — nay, demand — microbrews in microgravity.
As a somewhat liberal-leaning web site, it’s probably time for SeriouslyGuys to come clean: we’re absolutely at war with Christmas. We tried to keep it under wraps, CIA-style, but, that’s now impossible because of our new amazingly strong president and his very productive tweets. So, yes, Virginia, the War on Christmas is real, and The Guys aren’t going to give up the fight until every American on Earth says “Happy Holidays” and eats a Kwanzaa cake or whatever.
That said, The Guys are sending our thoughts and prayers to Christmas prisoner of war who, like POWs in Vietnam, alerted us to their status through clandestine sign language. In one captive’s forced photo with Santa Claus from 12 years ago, a toddler signed the word for “help,” letting us know both that he is alive and also that baby sign language totally works, you guys.
We taught our baby sign language. This is the sign for “help.” You’re welcome. pic.twitter.com/i6NkxBf4KP
— Kerry Spencer (@Swilua) December 5, 2017
Mr. Spencer, even though it’s been more than a decade, stay strong. Santa may claim he has leverage through surveillance on you and try to convince you that you are naughty, but that’s just how he wins hearts and minds over here. We have it on good authority that you have been and shall remain on the nice list … provided you don’t give away any of our War on Christmas secrets.
If you’re a lapsed Catholic who recently got dragged into Mass, you probably got thrown for a loop when you were the only one in the pew to say, “And also with you,” to your priest. Apparently, someone changed the response to “And with your spirit,” which makes no damn sense except as a gotcha. (John Mulaney knows what’s up … now.)
Well, The Guys have your backs, cultural Catholics — if only to spite those judgy church marms at your next funeral. So, heads up: the Pope is changing the Catholic Pledge of Allegiance, the Lord’s Prayer (a.k.a. the “Our Father”).
Instead of “Lead us not into temptation,” Pope Francis believes that “do not let us enter into temptation” is a better translation because apparently god does not present temptations. This is, we will remind everyone, the same god who gave us bacon, beer and motorcycle ramps.
Of course, the real hazard here isn’t just tricking Christmas-and-Easter Catholics. It’s the English language. The Pope speaks Spanish and got the new wording from France — romance countries where pretty much every sentence ends with similar sounds. (This is why Latin Music has its own Grammy’s — too easy to qualify.) So, while we’re certain the new words maintain a similar cadence in romance languages, in English, we just 11 pounds of holiness into an eight pound censer: 11 syllables into an eight syllable line.
But, if you end up tripping up communal prayer, at least take solace in knowing that some sinner is taking forever working through his penance after confession this week.
The Guys have been kind of banking on self-driving cars — we could use a designated driver who isn’t pregnant. But, we didn’t expect Boston to be the first city to have robot driving services. (Massachusetts didn’t even crack the Top Five drinking states, and one of them was a city.) Nevertheless, Lyft and its partnered developer, nuTonomy, announced that they’ve started their self-driving pilot program in Bean Town.
Lyft has not yet disclosed how many robot cars will run per day, and they will only run short routes in the tech startup-heavy Seaport District. So, they’re only risking a few Segway and Hoverboard collisions and maybe, like, two drivers lost to marriage proposals. Which is smart, because we all know what could happen after the Sox lose a game.
One of the more interesting aspects about the scientific process is that it cannot be based on commonly held or assumed wisdom. This leads to criticism of experiments and, by extension, the entire field of science when researchers test something we all assume we know. For example: calling fruit fly research a waste of government funding because we all know what fruit flies are, dontchaknow?
Which is why it seems strange to research sleep. You know, that thing we all hate when we’re young and elusively seek as we age. But, what’s sleep for, other than to chase bunnies or be Vikings?
The prevailing theory is that animals need sleep to basically recharge the brain. But, then that would mean that brainless animals, like jellyfish, wouldn’t need sleep. Except it turns out that they totally do, you guys.
In what could easily be the plot of an already-cancelled Real Genius TV series (you’re welcome, Netflix), three Caltech students snuck into the jellyfish lab after hours to settle a bet: whether jellyfish sleep. They observed sleep-like behavior in the jellyfish:
1. They didn’t move much at a set time of night.
2. They were slow to react to stimulus in this state.
3. After being kept up all night by squirt torture (welcome to SeriouslyGuys, disappointed porn Googlers), they were clearly out of sorts and needed a deeper sleep the next night.
So, it turns out you don’t need a brain to need sleep. Which means that, while we still don’t know why we sleep, this does explain why certain relatives will be passed out on your couch this Thanksgiving.
Every neighborhood has That Runner. You know, the one that does push-ups when waiting for cross lights … or spends more lung capacity hocking loogies on everything than breathing … or never wears a shirt (sorry, not sorry for that last one). But, at least we’re not pooping on your lawn.
Multiple eyewitnesses in a Colorado Springs neighborhood have caught an unidentified runner mid-trots (in both meanings) on their front yards, back yards and even on a Walgreen’s. The runner has used the same lawn multiple times and even comes equipped with napkins to wipe afterwards.
So, this isn’t just an isolated case of Runners’ Trots every now and then. This is full-on pigeon behavior — which we all know is intentional because you never see bird turds on statues of other birds.
The Colorado Springs Police Department urges that, while this is comical, it’s important that we, the Internet, keep it together and not lose our sh-t. There are mental health issues to consider; we should consider this runner at least as dangerous as a bear pooping in … well, not the woods (a situation that the CSPD has handled in the past!).
If it seems like dads are getting older on average (and yet playing more video games and collecting their own toys later than younger generations), then you’re not wrong. According to a study by Stanford’s School of Medicine just published in the journal Human Reproduction, today’s average dad is three and a half years older than dads were on average 45 years ago.
While 1972’s dads were around 27.4 years old and chain-smoking in the waiting room, 2015’s dads in the delivery room are nearly 31 years old. Analysis also revealed that the number of dads over 40 and 50 both doubled in that time.
But, before our male readers get excited, no, it’s not because women prefer older men. Mothers are also getting older and are actually closer in age to the fathers of their children today. Unlike in the ’70s, when all of those ladies were marrying eligible bachelor-captains of the gold medallion and polyester industries.
Just in case everyone pushing 30 is getting anxious: relax, it’s an average. The study includes one 88-year-old father and, on the other extreme, an 11-year-old one. And if the latter doesn’t shame you into putting on a button-up shirt next time you go on a date, then maybe you’ll have better luck in your 40s or 50s.
You may have noticed more entry-level positions requiring experience that people just entering the work force don’t have.
That’s because nobody can retire anymore, even though privatizing retirement through mutual funds and other investment accounts was supposed to make up for “unsustainable” pensions and social security. Which means many people of retirement age back in, oh, 2008, gradually moved into less skilled jobs in their companies, prompting job descriptions to change.
Well, as Ian Malcolm warned us in Jurassic Park, nature finds a way. Older people are now dying at a higher rate in the work place, even as workplace fatalities decrease. 35 percent of 2015 workplace fatalities involved workers 55 and older.
Now, the one question to settle: are they dying more due to accidents caused by “gradually worsening vision and hearing impairment, reduced response time, balance issues and chronic medical or muscle or bone problems such as arthritis” as gerontologists (or really old scientists) say? Or were they pushed?
In our daily search to deliver to you, dear reader, the most pressing, urgent news, we read some unbelievable statistics. For example: blowing out birthday candles apparently delivers 1400 percent more bacteria to the surface frosting than already put there by your filthy, disgusting baker. (Sharing a tub with both a butcher and candlestick maker — meat and tallow? That’s nasty.) And that’s incredible if they, at any point, put baking supplies in their purse.
So, if your birthday wish is to give all of your “friends” and family strep or worse, have we got good news for you.
