Guy says aliens got him drunk, sent him back in time

It’s always been the favorite argument of time travel skeptics: If time travel is possible, why haven’t we seen any time travelers? That excuse just got blown to bits.

In Casper, Wyoming, police were called to a residence on Monday and found a man who said he was from the future. Also, he was visibly drunk. Authorities say Bryant Johnson claimed to be from the year 2048, and he had traveled back in time with an urgent message: aliens are going to invade next year, so prepare.

The future is weird. Johnson said aliens sent him back in time by filling him up with booze and having him stand on a pad. The aliens must have been drunk, too, because Johnson said he was supposed travel back to 2018, not 2017.

It’s been 48 hours, so there’s a good chance Johnson has that alien future booze out of his system. We’ll see if he has any other warnings for us in the days ahead.

Hong Kong democracy protesters open hole into alternate universe where Kenny G matters

Based on Kenny G's ageless appearance, it's possible that he merely jumped in time from 1993 directly to the 2014 Hong Kong protests. Or he's an elf.
Based on Kenny G’s ageless appearance, it’s possible that he merely jumped in time from 1993 directly to the 2014 Hong Kong protests. Or he’s an elf.

The Guys support a lot of scientific ideas, but the existence of alternate universes based on the chaotic actions of the universe has not been one of them. However, the evidence in Hong Kong is stark and, frankly, conclusive: an alternative universe exists where Kenny G is still relevant, and it has intersected with our own.

If you haven’t noticed the change and believe that adult contemporary alto sax player Kenny G always was and remains relevant, let us tell you about our universe before students in Hong Kong protested in favor of freely nominating and electing their own leaders.

In our universe, Kenneth Bruce Gorelick — or, to his friends and people who survived the Cosby Cancellation Riots of the late 1990s, Kenny G — released two inexplicably, yet massively successful albums: Duotones in 1986 and Breathless (get it!?) in 1992. He was the Norah Jones of what musicologists would later term the Hootie Era, and then he gracefully disappeared.

But, in the intersecting alternative universe, Kenny G became a popular performer in China and recorded a song, “Going Home,” that is now the universally recognized audio cue for Chinese people to not necessarily go home, but stop staying in the venue playing it.

And, to make matters worse, neither side is entirely sure what his inter-dimensional presence at the protest means, but figuring it out is vitally important to both of them. Either he’s letting the protesters know that it’s time to clear the public square and go home, or he’s yet another Westerner trying to undo Chinese communism and, quite possibly, the fabric of space-time itself.

Whatever the case, we wish him all the success in the world. (Would you really miss this universe?)

The stickiest sex scene of all time

From what we keep finding in amber, this is our visible approximation of the entire Cretaceous period.
From what we keep finding in amber, this is our visible approximation of the entire Cretaceous Period.

Researchers from Oregon State University and Germany would like to call your attention to some flowers they found preserved mid-plant coitus in amber from 100 million years ago. Please take note of the still wet pollen that was tenderly deposited by some insect caught up in the flowers’ passion. And focus on how that flower is taking that money shot and turning it into seed, all captured in a single prehistoric moment and then frozen in time.

That’s right. Just keep looking at the plant sex captured so beautifully that not even Georgia O’Keeffe could do it justice. Pay no attention to the plant mucous menacingly tidal waving over you.

Seriously, how is it that we think Tyrannosaurus Rex was the scariest thing about the Cretaceous Period (not Jurassic, Mr. Spielberg) when pretty much everything was killed and preserved by amber. That’s not tree sap, that’s a serial killer.

Special thanks to Patrick H.

Time Travel: The new weapon in the War on Animals?

The Guys have long advocated a ban on time travel research, but we also really hate animals. Especially the ones with “killer” in their names: killer whales, false killer whales (who aren’t fooling anybody) and definitely killer bees.

The latter is what has us reconsidering our stance on time travel, so long as it remains solely in the hands of the military for animal fighting purposes. A hive of partially Africanized honeybees was found in east Tennessee, the first ever found in the state. The bees were only 17 percent Africanized, yet poured out of their hive to sting their beekeeper through his protective suit 30 times. He was only able to escape by hopping into his car and driving for five minutes before the bees ended their pursuit.

State officials were able to wipe out the colony with a little duct tape, elbow grease and ether, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t more out there. Perhaps with time travel we can travel back to 1957 and b&$chslap Warwick Estevam Kerr before he could unleash his unholy menace upon us.

T. Rex more dangerous than claymation previously indicated

If you’ve been planning a time travel jaunt to the Cretaceous period, don’t. And don’t let the Tyrannosaurus Rex’s comically short arms fool you: its mouth is capable of “between 7,868 and 12,814 pounds-force,” or “having a medium-size elephant sit on you.”

This already brings up a non-time travel warning, do not — for the love of god — let a medium-sized elephant sit on you. That’s like a bite from a T. Rex, which you would understand if you attempted time tra —

Oh, god. We’ve opened a time travel logic paradox. Sorry about your universe. We just wanted you to be safe.

Get ready for the Hall of Evil Presidents

If you conspiracy theorists out there are looking for proof that Disney has stumbled onto a transdimensional portal to an evil, parallel universe and plans to secretly exploit this at their theme parks, then we suppose this works: Disney park workers can now grow beards and goatees.

A staunch reason to ban time travel research

Movies make time travel seem like a fun little jaunt into the past or enlightening vision quest into the future. You meet your kids all grown up, save the President and maybe even risk destroying the time-space continuum by creating a looping paradox. All enjoyable, right?

Wrong. Time travel is dangerous, risking time traveler and contemporaries alike. And you might even french your mom. (Ew.)

That is why we are starting a counter-science movement on this site. It is important that we do not allow science to forgo morality in an attempt to endanger Americans and spit in the face of God.

Reason to Ban Time Travel #1: Risk of Exposure to Medieval Morons

We know it’s not fair to judge people in the past of their scientific knowledge, but seriously, vampires?

Italian archaeologists discovered the remains of a suspected vampire. How did they know that the corpse was a suspect? Because a f#&king rock was shoved into its skull.

And this isn’t a one-time moment of lunacy. No, they find these every so often in medieval mass burial sites from plagues. That’s right: they attributed the continuing illness to vampires, and if you got sick, died, and took longer than an hour to decompose, then you were suspect.

So, you could explain to illiterate wrath-of-God-fearing morons how you’re not a vampire, just severely allergic to ancient fresh air … or we could just ban time travel. Hm, which seems easier?