Category: Ban Time Travel Research

Time Travel: The new weapon in the War on Animals?

The Guys have long advocated a ban on time travel research, but we also really hate animals. Especially the ones with “killer” in their names: killer whales, false killer whales (who aren’t fooling anybody) and definitely killer bees.

The latter is what has us reconsidering our stance on time travel, so long as it remains solely in the hands of the military for animal fighting purposes. A hive of partially Africanized honeybees was found in east Tennessee, the first ever found in the state. The bees were only 17 percent Africanized, yet poured out of their hive to sting their beekeeper through his protective suit 30 times. He was only able to escape by hopping into his car and driving for five minutes before the bees ended their pursuit.

State officials were able to wipe out the colony with a little duct tape, elbow grease and ether, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t more out there. Perhaps with time travel we can travel back to 1957 and b&$chslap Warwick Estevam Kerr before he could unleash his unholy menace upon us.

T. Rex more dangerous than claymation previously indicated

If you’ve been planning a time travel jaunt to the Cretaceous period, don’t. And don’t let the Tyrannosaurus Rex’s comically short arms fool you: its mouth is capable of “between 7,868 and 12,814 pounds-force,” or “having a medium-size elephant sit on you.”

This already brings up a non-time travel warning, do not — for the love of god — let a medium-sized elephant sit on you. That’s like a bite from a T. Rex, which you would understand if you attempted time tra —

Oh, god. We’ve opened a time travel logic paradox. Sorry about your universe. We just wanted you to be safe.

Get ready for the Hall of Evil Presidents

If you conspiracy theorists out there are looking for proof that Disney has stumbled onto a transdimensional portal to an evil, parallel universe and plans to secretly exploit this at their theme parks, then we suppose this works: Disney park workers can now grow beards and goatees.

A staunch reason to ban time travel research

Movies make time travel seem like a fun little jaunt into the past or enlightening vision quest into the future. You meet your kids all grown up, save the President and maybe even risk destroying the time-space continuum by creating a looping paradox. All enjoyable, right?

Wrong. Time travel is dangerous, risking time traveler and contemporaries alike. And you might even french your mom. (Ew.)

That is why we are starting a counter-science movement on this site. It is important that we do not allow science to forgo morality in an attempt to endanger Americans and spit in the face of God.

Reason to Ban Time Travel #1: Risk of Exposure to Medieval Morons

We know it’s not fair to judge people in the past of their scientific knowledge, but seriously, vampires?

Italian archaeologists discovered the remains of a suspected vampire. How did they know that the corpse was a suspect? Because a f#&king rock was shoved into its skull.

And this isn’t a one-time moment of lunacy. No, they find these every so often in medieval mass burial sites from plagues. That’s right: they attributed the continuing illness to vampires, and if you got sick, died, and took longer than an hour to decompose, then you were suspect.

So, you could explain to illiterate wrath-of-God-fearing morons how you’re not a vampire, just severely allergic to ancient fresh air … or we could just ban time travel. Hm, which seems easier?