Category: How To

How To: Avoid science

We lost one of the giants this week. Aside from President-elect Barack Obama’s grandmother, author Michael Crichton died this week. We all know who he is, so stop pretending. Crichton brought us books like “Jurassic Park,” “Sphere,” “The Andromeda Strain,” the television series ER and even movies like Twister, Congo, and That Forgettable One With Paul Walker in Medieval France–some of which were based on his books. (Check with Chugs for the movies he directed in the 1970s.)

Crichton was a modern day Mary Shelly, except a dude and nearly seven feet tall. He was like Shelly, in that he taught us that science is a really, really horrible thing. We should never trust it, we should always question it because one day it will get us all killed. Oh, and global warming is like eugenics. With that in mind, we bring you how to avoid science. Continue reading How To: Avoid science

How To: Fake sports knowledge

“Hey, did you catch the game last night?”

“Oh, uh, yeah! Wow.”

“I know! I’m just glad Philly beat Tampa after that stupid call last time.”

“Yeah, who do the Bucs think they are? Good to see the Pirates get their due. So when’s the championship game?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna go over there now. If the wrong person sees me talking to you, I’m socially-obligated to beat you up.”

Was this your day?

If so, then it’s obvious that you don’t watch sports at all, which is fine, you know, since you were so busy with that manga marathon. Read on to learn how to fake sports knowledge (before some coworker beats you up in front of your boss). Continue reading How To: Fake sports knowledge

How To: Clean your domicile

Summer’s finally over and the holidays draw near, which means you’re about to fill your house with a bunch of crap: hidden Halloween candy, those yams you only pretended to eat, other people’s presents and decorations galore.

It’s time to clean up while you can still keep the windows open, lest you choke on last year’s dust.

It’s also a time to set priorities, like do you need a copy of every newspaper that mentions your town’s name? How did those Beanie Baby investments pan out, especially in this period of economic woe?

If you can’t afford to let this year’s crap pile on top of last year’s worthless junk, then you’ve hit the right URL. SeriouslyGuys presents how to clean your domicile. Continue reading How To: Clean your domicile

How To: Deal with a bully

Listen up, chump. You’re going to read this, or else.

If you are a person, it is almost certain that you will face a bully at some point in your life. Bullies exist in social circles and professional settings, and they always function on perceived power and a mob in fear. Sometimes they want your lunch money, sometimes all they want to do is assign you more work that you really can’t handle, but can’t say no to, either (they call these “bosses”).

Because of this, The Guys bring you how to deal with a bully. Continue reading How To: Deal with a bully

How To: Find a new home

Are you panicking yet? You should be, because that’s what everyone else is doing. The government is buying out banks and other crap we don’t really understand, the stock market is jerking back and forth worse than Any Winehouse in rehab, and worst of all, executives are going on spa vacations! It’s a regular economic crisis.

If you own a home you bought in the past decade, odds are a lot of this problem has been caused by YOU. Yeah, thanks a lot, jerk. However, it is not just your fault for getting a crappy home loan, it is also the crappy loan company’s fault for giving you a crappy loan, and the crappy bank’s fault for buying the crappy loan.

Still awake?

Good, because what all this means is that you are getting evicted because the banks think you are freeloading and they are sick and tired of you middle class people thinking you can own things. So now that you’re out of a place to live, The Guys present how to find a new home. Continue reading How To: Find a new home

How To: Tune out the election

In case you haven’t noticed, the United States is engaged in an economic crisis two wars a gas crunch a bake-off a presidential election. In fact, we’ve been engaged in this election, and nothing else, for over a year now–and we’re tired of it.

If it weren’t for the schadenfreude that is Sarah Palin blooper tapes, the American public would have moved on to something else by now. (Did the new American Idol season start, yet? We’ll watch that at this point.)

Everyone knows who they’re voting for already, and those that rely on the debates to form their opinion could fit in the college rec halls where they hold those things. Even Ohio has moved up their election, just get the damn thing over with, and that’s Ohio! There’s nothing else to talk about in Ohio and they want this crap done.

Unfortunately, we’re stuck in this rut until November 5, when we start the new news cycle: “What did the President-Elect say today?” How will you survive until the inauguration in January? Read on to learn how to tune out the election. Continue reading How To: Tune out the election

How To: Deal with an ‘economic crisis’

Yesterday, Republican presidential nominee John McCain announced he was suspending his campaign until the economic problems the U.S. now faces are dealt with. This includes his cancellation of an appearance on “The Late Show with David Letterman” and possibly even not showing up to tomorrow night’s presidential debate. As much as the thought of watching Sen. Barack Obama argue with an empty podium sounds like great television, this blog is disappointed.

We are not alone, either. Letterman last night ranted about McCain’s sudden cancellation. Republicans are hailing the suspension as brave, while Democrats see it as desperate. The Guys think this could be approached in other ways, that’s why we bring you how to deal with an “economic crisis.” Continue reading How To: Deal with an ‘economic crisis’

How To: Celebrate International Talk Like A Pirate Day

Avast, me hearties: tomorrow be International Talk Like A Pirate Day! Ye savvy?

If you didn’t understand the previous sentence, then you’re woefully unprepared for The Guys’ favorite day of the year. Every September 19th, the world takes a breather from the Queen’s English and says, “You know what? I’m tired of this whack modern inflection, yo. Let’s kick it old school, son–Elizabeth I-style!”

The last thing we’d want is for a SeriouslyGuys reader to look like a chump at work or school tomorrow, so we’ve put together this guide on how to celebrate International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Continue reading How To: Celebrate International Talk Like A Pirate Day

How To: Recover from a sports injury

The Guys would like to dedicate this How To to our good friend Tom Brady, who was injured not yet a week ago. Our thoughts and prayers are with you, Tom. You’re a god amongst men. If you follow our advice, we will see you on the road to the Super Bowl next season.

Injuries are pretty common in your sport. Take Jimmy, your good buddy. He messed his shoulder up on that dive the other day. Who knew you even needed to dive in golf, anyway? Regardless of what sport you play, something is going to go horribly, horribly wrong. When that happens, it’s up to you to make sure you don’t end up horribly disfigured (or at least more than you are already). That’s why we are here to tell you how to recover from a sports injury. Continue reading How To: Recover from a sports injury

How To: Be an artist

At some point, you decided to be famous. But not normal famous–there’s some things you just won’t eat (anymore). And not by getting your band back together–Steve’s still a toolbox.

That leaves only one way to become famous: you’ll have to be an artist, and we don’t mean “I sell needlepoint apples at craft shows” artist. We mean an artiste; why, practically begging to have a ninja turtle named after you.

You keep dreaming big while we explain how to be an artist. Continue reading How To: Be an artist