Obama sequels/prequels will suck
Posted on June 4, 2008
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Kids, we know you love Barack Obama right now. You’ve got the Obama bedsheets, the Obama action figures and playsets — including the Hillary doll your dog chewed up — and a lifetime membership in the Barack Obama Fan Club. (Your pin and stickers are in the mail.)
Yep, you think you’re always gonna love this year’s blockbuster hero. But there is a dark and sinister force looming on the horizon …
George Lucas has declared Obama to be the “hero” “for all of us that have dreams and hope.”
So, enjoy Obama while you can. In 20 years, Lucas will undoubtably make a horrible sequel or prequel with bad dialogue and annoying CGI.
The worst part is that when you’ll say these new movies aren’t as good as the original Obama, your peers will tell you that the original Obama was this bad — you just didn’t notice because you were a kid.
Written by Rick SneeHow To: Beat addiction
Posted on May 29, 2008
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So, if you followed last week’s How To, you got your band back together. How’s it going? Oh, you say your big reunion tour’s over already? That’s OK, because every band goes through a couple of false starts before the big reunion (see: every Van Halen attempt to reunite with Diamond Dave).
But before that happens, it’s time to evaluate what went wrong. Just like any breakup, we’ll bet dollars to donuts that it failed for the same reason that led to your first breakup: addiction. Also, you should probably change your socks.
The Guys love you very much, but we hate to see you hurting yourself. That’s why we’ve written this intervention: how to beat addiction. Read more
Written by Rick SneeKidz Korner: Economics of supply, demand
Posted on April 29, 2008
Filed Under Kidz Korner, Sex Sells | 1 Comment |
Hey, kidz! After seeing Miley Cyrus’ risqué photo-shoot, you may be asking yourself, “How do I get in on that action?” First of all, shame on you for talking like a bookie: you were raised better than that. Second, you can’t expect to make millions of dollars on your first foray into child pornography fame and fortune, you silly-billy.
You see, the economy (that’s a grown-up word for “managing more money than your dad makes”) is based on supply and demand. This basically means that if there’s a lot of something that’s given away for cheap or free, then it is worth little money. But if there’s only a little of something and everybody wants/needs it, then it is worth a crapload of money. Read more
Written by Rick SneeKidz Korner: You can’t have Iran, too
Posted on September 24, 2007
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Hey, kidz! It’s been a long time, but The Guys wanted to make sure you felt included. Remember: no adult understands you except for us.
So some of you want a new war with Iran. We can’t blame you: they have crazy leaders, they’re trying to build nukes and they have oil, too!
But, do you remember the last time we gave you a war? Remember Iraq? Remember how you promised to feed, water and install a functioning democracy there every day? Well, Iraq’s still in the backyard and getting angry because you still haven’t done those things. In fact, if you don’t start living up to your part of the deal, Iraq could die.
We know, you’re saying it will be different this time. Well, what about Afghanistan? You forgot about Afghanistan, too, didn’t you? Sure, you started out taking care of it just fine, so we got you Iraq. Maybe two wars was too much for one kid, but you said they would be your responsibility.
Yes, we hear you. Iraq wasn’t what you expected. It didn’t like you very much and it didn’t even come with awesome weapons of mass destruction. Yes, Iran has everything you originally wanted, but don’t you realize that you have unrealistic expectations that will never be good enough? This week, it’s Iran, and next week, you’ll want a war somewhere else.
What do you mean? Well, what about Syria? You’ve had your eyes on them for a long time, too. No, Syria can’t be an early birthday present.
We’re sorry, honey, but you’ve got to appreciate what you have. Afghanistan and Iraq can be great companions if you’d just focus and put the time in. Besides, if we caved every time you wanted something, we’d be doing you a great disservice.
Written by Rick SneeKidz Korner: Books after ‘Harry Potter’
Posted on July 17, 2007
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The last Harry Potter book comes out on July 21, which means that you’ll never have to read another book again …. Or does it?
There are plenty of other supercool fantasy series to read after Harry Potter presumably dies at the hands of superior wizard, Volde-whatever. They may not take place at Hogwarts, but they’re just as magical.
1) The complete works of Jackie Collins. You’ve had your fun as a wizard-in-training. Now live out your next set of fantasies as a sexy Hollywood executive, sexy lawfirm partner or even a sexy pool boy/girl. Just like wizardry, not everyone can be magical or sexy, but it’s fun to pretend.
2) Fan fiction. Only a mouse-click away, you can read the shallow attempts of others to insert themselves into prominent roles in your favorite nerdiverses. And if you read enough, then you, too, can write yourself saving the crew of the USS Enterprise by reversing the polarity on the coffeemaker or mouth-to-mouth resuscitating an unconscious Hermione Granger.
3) The Chronicles of Narnia. It’s a magical world with heroic kids and has movies to watch as you get older and lazier. Best yet, it’s full of Christian allegory, so you can save your soul after filling it with witchcraft and goblin-banking. WWJR? These books, of course.
4) The Bible. If the allegories in Narnia don’t cut it for you, then go right to the teat for the greatest-selling fantasy story of all time. Just like Harry Potter, there are giants, villains that can turn into snakes, bearded wizards with magical staffs, ghosts (angels), and a plucky young hero that performs magic. Just a warning: it gets a little preachy.
5) The complete works of Anne Coulter. You, too, can pretend there’s a mass conspiracy against American values. Unlike the imaginary battle with evil magicians, this is a war that never has to end because there will always be new things to complain about. If J.K. Rowling taught you how to be a wizard, Coulter will teach you how to be a witch.
As you can see, the fantasy never has to end! Get to a library (it’s a big building with free books and no sorting hats) and start exploring new wor(l)ds July 22. It lets the dogs out!
Written by Rick SneeKidz Korner: War is fun!
Posted on July 10, 2007
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The Army has a big new problem: nobody wants to join. They think people are afraid to sign up because of the war in Iraq. Well, that’s no fun!
The whole point of joining the Army is to go to war. Who wants to join the military only to wear camouflage at Wal-mart? Young men and women are supposed to enlist because they want to go to exciting places and blow them up!
Think about what you want to be when you grow up. Would you want to be a firefighter that only washes the trucks? How about an actor that only waits tables and auditions for roles? Or even an Michael Collins, who had to mind the ship while Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin moon-bounced? Of course you wouldn’t!
It’s up to you, kids! Sign up at your local recruitment center and demand service in the giant sandbox before we’re stuck in another one of those lame-o peacetime ruts. Otherwise, you’re just playing Dress-Up … and that’s a girls’ game.
Written by Rick SneeKidz Korner: Guns and problem-solving
Posted on June 26, 2007
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Hey, kids! We’re sure you’ve had this argument before:
Billy: I’m older!
Jimmy: No, I’m older!
Billy: I’m older because I’m 8 and you’re 7.
Jimmy: Well … I’ll be 8 on my birthday!
Billy: I’ll already be 8, and then I’ll be 9 on my birthday, dummyhead.
Doesn’t it hurt when you’re called a dummyhead? Don’t you wish you could show Billy who’s the dummyhead, make all the pain go away and be older than him on your next birthday?
Your wish has been granted, thanks to guns!
Now your parents and teachers may say guns are dangerous, but who are they kidding? Adults have settled disputes with guns since the days of the early Egyptians! (Bryan, can you check the date on the first working gun?)
Why, if it weren’t for guns, you’d be speaking English right now because we never would have killed the king in 1776! Extreme, right?!
So how can guns be dangerous when they solve all of your problems? Of course they can’t. Fortunately, now you know better.
Written by Rick SneeKidz Korner: Downloads
Posted on June 4, 2007
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Hey, kids! Welcome to another edition of our Kidz Korner! It’s kah-raa-azay!
If we could get a little serious though, there’s something the guys want to talk to you about: dangerous online content. You see, there are some things out there on the Internet that you might be curious about, but are too embarrassed to ask a parent about.
Things like hip-hop, drums and bass, trance, acid jazz, and polka are difficult topics to broach with adults who are uncool. Fortunately, we are cool, so here’s the straight skinny, yo!
Downloading music is dangerous. You are very likely to contract a virus and be grounded up to three, maybe four, weeks. The worst part is that you might download the music and realize you don’t like Gloria Gaynor anyway. What a whack, right?
Do like the LA Times suggests and stick with porn. It’s cleaner than that dirty old music and will keep you entertained far longer than the bands you like now.
See ya next time, kidz!
Written by Rick Snee