Keep your scotch neat, nose clean

Greetings, young readers! Do you like to stay up all night? And do you like to drink? Chances are pretty good that if you’ve ever attempted both, you couldn’t make it past Waffle House.

You might be tempted to try a caffeinated alcoholic beverage. Here’s three things we learned about that today:

  1. Caffeine should never contain more booze than a shot.
  2. Booze should never contain more caffeine than middle manager.
  3. You should never contain anything named after a 4-piece Swedish mariachi punk band.

Stick to the basics and you’ll never be embarrassed by neon sugary puke.

Today’s SG brought to you by number 12, letters ‘oz’

If the latest surveys are to be believed, 92 percent of U.S. children are online and reading SeriouslyGuys before the age of two. Actually, a full quarter of children started their Guysville (launching very soon!*) game accounts before even exiting the womb.

So, to all of the parents of those children, we just want to assure you that your progeny’s mind is safe with us. Don’t even bother monitoring their online habits; just set the parental controls to keep it on this Web site and go have a drink.

OK, are they gone?

Awesome! Welcome to SeriouslyGuys! Have you checked out our Booze News section? You can’t have a Facebook profile without documented drunken escapades! And here’s how to set your privacy settings so your parents will never know.

*Never happening: our promise to you.

Supremely good news, bad news

OK, so the U.S. Supreme Court has good news and bad news. Which would you like first?

We’re sorry. You should speak up louder when addressing your computer, especially if you’re at work. We’ll just assume you said, “Good news first.”

The good news is that if you’re a a juvenile delinquent, then you can no longer receive a life sentence for your crimes unless you kill someone … intentionally. So, this is kind of bad news if you’re a parent and lack the stones to “take out” the bad seed you “brought in to this world.” The system won’t do it for you anymore. (That’s not our “bad news,” though.)

The bad news is that you can still be held indefinitely for sex crimes, which are not murder. So, if you’re gonna have sex with your high school girlfriend (assuming you’re in high school or a famous film director), make sure you have her parents’ consent first.

So, keep your hands gloved and your hard drive clean; otherwise, you’re grounded for life.

Kidz Korner: Klassroom Edition

Hey, kidz! It’s been awhile since the court allowed us to run one of our Kidz Korner features, which is so very, very whack. But, we’re back, so it’s time for us to talk–no grown-ups allowed.

If you’re a student in Arizona, then you might have noticed your mommies and daddies frothing at the mouth a bit, especially if they’re European-Americans. It may seem a little crazy or wrong, especially when they’re trying to get rid of your Mexican-American teachers and students.

Just make sure you know that it’s not racist. Continue reading Kidz Korner: Klassroom Edition

Kidz Korner: What’s that on Daddy’s breath?

Here at SG (and the rest of the Internet, really), we love more taking other people down a peg while pretending to be important ourselves. But if there’s one thing we love more than that, it’s the corruption of the innocent.

A group of kids are likely to either hate cops or fear clowns after they witnessed police arrest a female clown for what the believe was her involvement in a drunk driving accident. We’re not going to make a judgment call, but Patricia Ingalls, who has been a professional clown for 17 years, blew a .252, according to police.

That being said, parents, it’s time to leave the room, it’s kids-only now. We’ll wait.

OK, gang. It’s time to learn one of the most important facts of life: you and all of your little friends are annoying as all heck. In fact, you are so loud, hyper and unruly that you make Mommy and Daddy drink. When Mommy and Daddy drink, they either like to have private time or they like to argue. And when they argue, they talk about how they can’t stand you and want to start living in separate houses.

It’s all your fault.

You see, you’ll find out one day that alcohol helps numb the pain of a meaningless existence. Part of which is the realization that children are annoying and carry diseases. This is why Sloppy the Clown drank–to deal with you runts. For 17 long years, that’s all she’s been dealing with. Day in and day out. And that it perfectly OK, but the problem is, kids, when you drink alcohol, you’re not supposed to drive. If you do, you get in trouble.

Which brings us to the moral of the story: when you grow up, don’t drink and drive.

How To: Kill your parents

Let’s face it: for one reason or another, your parents have to die. Maybe it’s because you need that inheritance. Perhaps it’s because they’ve told you clean up your room too many times. Or you might just blame them for life.

We’ve already told you how to use violence to solve all of your familial problems. Since we try not to repeat ourselves, this guide will be a little different. Besides, if both of your parents suddenly end up dead, you’re the prime suspect. Prison or lethal injection is no way to enjoy a parent-free life, so read on to learn how to kill your parents. Continue reading How To: Kill your parents

Obama sequels/prequels will suck

Kids, we know you love Barack Obama right now. You’ve got the Obama bedsheets, the Obama action figures and playsets — including the Hillary doll your dog chewed up — and a lifetime membership in the Barack Obama Fan Club. (Your pin and stickers are in the mail.)

Yep, you think you’re always gonna love this year’s blockbuster hero. But there is a dark and sinister force looming on the horizon …

George Lucas has declared Obama to be the “hero” “for all of us that have dreams and hope.”

So, enjoy Obama while you can. In 20 years, Lucas will undoubtably make a horrible sequel or prequel with bad dialogue and annoying CGI.

The worst part is that when you’ll say these new movies aren’t as good as the original Obama, your peers will tell you that the original Obama was this bad — you just didn’t notice because you were a kid.

How To: Beat addiction

So, if you followed last week’s How To, you got your band back together. How’s it going? Oh, you say your big reunion tour’s over already? That’s OK, because every band goes through a couple of false starts before the big reunion (see: every Van Halen attempt to reunite with Diamond Dave).

But before that happens, it’s time to evaluate what went wrong. Just like any breakup, we’ll bet dollars to donuts that it failed for the same reason that led to your first breakup: addiction. Also, you should probably change your socks.

The Guys love you very much, but we hate to see you hurting yourself. That’s why we’ve written this intervention: how to beat addiction. Continue reading How To: Beat addiction

Kidz Korner: Economics of supply, demand

The earlier you start posing online, the sooner you will be worth millions naked!Hey, kidz! After seeing Miley Cyrus’ risqué photo-shoot, you may be asking yourself, “How do I get in on that action?” First of all, shame on you for talking like a bookie: you were raised better than that. Second, you can’t expect to make millions of dollars on your first foray into child pornography fame and fortune, you silly-billy.

You see, the economy (that’s a grown-up word for “managing more money than your dad makes”) is based on supply and demand. This basically means that if there’s a lot of something that’s given away for cheap or free, then it is worth little money. But if there’s only a little of something and everybody wants/needs it, then it is worth a crapload of money. Continue reading Kidz Korner: Economics of supply, demand

Kidz Korner: You can’t have Iran, too

Hey, kidz! It’s been a long time, but The Guys wanted to make sure you felt included. Remember: no adult understands you except for us.

So some of you want a new war with Iran. We can’t blame you: they have crazy leaders, they’re trying to build nukes and they have oil, too!

But, do you remember the last time we gave you a war? Remember Iraq? Remember how you promised to feed, water and install a functioning democracy there every day? Well, Iraq’s still in the backyard and getting angry because you still haven’t done those things. In fact, if you don’t start living up to your part of the deal, Iraq could die.

We know, you’re saying it will be different this time. Well, what about Afghanistan? You forgot about Afghanistan, too, didn’t you? Sure, you started out taking care of it just fine, so we got you Iraq. Maybe two wars was too much for one kid, but you said they would be your responsibility.

Yes, we hear you. Iraq wasn’t what you expected. It didn’t like you very much and it didn’t even come with awesome weapons of mass destruction. Yes, Iran has everything you originally wanted, but don’t you realize that you have unrealistic expectations that will never be good enough? This week, it’s Iran, and next week, you’ll want a war somewhere else.

What do you mean? Well, what about Syria? You’ve had your eyes on them for a long time, too. No, Syria can’t be an early birthday present.

We’re sorry, honey, but you’ve got to appreciate what you have. Afghanistan and Iraq can be great companions if you’d just focus and put the time in. Besides, if we caved every time you wanted something, we’d be doing you a great disservice.