Category: Regular Post

Jesus is back and he wants pizza

After taking nearly 2,000 years off, Jesus Christ has finally returned. And as it was foretold in scripture, He returned to break into a Pizza Hut in North Carolina.

In the wee hours of the morning, Christ broke a window at a Pizza Hut in High Point, N.C. and ate a pizza, washed down with a Mountain Dew. The Son of God, because He’s a pretty honest guy, then called 911 to report what he had done. He identified himself as Jesus Christ, and announced that He had some back to Earth. And lo, then the dispatcher asked him what He looked like. The King of the Jews replied, “I look like Jesus — what else am I supposed to look like?”

He then gave the dispatcher a message to spread to all of God’s children: “We’re tired of Judases on this Earth. We’re going to clean this Earth up.”

The unbelieving police officers soon arrested Him, and charged Him with breaking and entering and larceny. They even falsely booked Him under the name Richard Lee Quintero. This is God’s plan.

Utah bar association emails boobs

It’s happened to everyone: you spend some time drafting a really important email, and just after you send it, you realize there’s an embarrassing mistake. The Utah State Bar knows what that feels like.

The Utah State Bar sent out an email reminder about its spring convention, which starts tomorrow, and apparently still has room available. The email also contained a photo of a woman’s bare breasts. There was no further information about the breasts, such as why they were in the email or if they would be attending the convention. Just boobs in an otherwise professional email. And that email was sent out to every single lawyer in the state. The Utah State Bar is investigating.

Now that’s how you make sure people open your email.

Post office not sending to nudes

A nudist resort in Florida certainly has no shortage of packages, but the people say they aren’t getting any packages through the mail.

Residents of Eden RV Resort and City Retreat in Florida are complaining that they aren’t receiving their mail when a female carrier refuses to deliver when she fills in. Their regular mail carrier apparently has no problems delivering, though. The nudists say the U.S. Postal Service has not tried to resolve the issue in any way.

“Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds (except for naked people).” — U.S. Postal Service creed

Injecting yourself with poo a bad idea, doctors warn

Folks, here’s a reminder for you: don’t inject yourself with poo, be it your own or someone else’s. We know you, dear reader, already know that, but you may want to tell your dumb friends.

Doctors are concerned about a new trend of people injecting themselves with poo. People on YouTube are blending up poo (hopefully then throwing out their blender) and giving themselves enemas. There are even web sites set up to connect donors with poo recipients.

Doctors do fecal transplants for treatment of certain illnesses, so why can’t you do it at home? Aside from being super gross, there’s no screening of the poo, so there’s a decent chance that you’re injecting yourself with microbes that can lead to serious deadly health problems.

So once again, ask your doctor if blending poo and then putting it in your own butt is right for you. Perhaps our own Dr. Snee can help.

Farting, fighting over farting not against law in Austria

We’ve all had days where the gas coming out of our butts could make a flower wilt. But we probably haven’t experienced such a thing on a plane, much less had that plane forced to land because of the flatulence.

A flight from Dubai to Amsterdam had to be diverted last week after passengers became unruly over one man’s farts. According to reports, a passenger’s continued farting caused trouble, understandably, with two other passengers on the plane. It got so bad that a fight broke out, even after the pilot had warned the unruly passengers. The plane made an unscheduled stop in Vienna to remove the people causing the disturbance. Austrian police set no charges were filed.

Hopefully they left the doors open to ventilate the cabin before continuing on to their destination.

Mr. T is really into curling now

The Olympics are on, and that means the world is sitting down to watch a bunch of sports they ordinarily we would normally skip right past scrolling through our TV channels. In a week and a half, no one will care about bobsled or ice dancing.

But Mr. T is all-in on curling.

 

 

 

We are all Mr. T right now.

Team Norway orders 15,000 eggs by accident

Ever wanted to become an Olympic athlete? Turns out you need to eat eggs — a whole lot of eggs. That’s probably what Team Norway is doing after they mistakenly ordered 10 times more eggs than they could possibly need.

The chefs for Norway’s Olympic team tried to order 1,500 eggs from a supermarket in South Korea, using Google Translate as an intermediary. So the team was surprised when 15,000 eggs showed up for delivery. No one’s sure where there extra zero got added in the process.

But if you’re at the Pyeongchang Games want some killer omelettes, go find the Norwegians. They probably have a few eggs to spare.

It’s legal to dress like a T. rex, court rules

There’s a lot of bad news out there lately, and not just that pretty much every famous guy is a sex monster. But it’s in these dark times that the light of good news shines even brighter. That’s why we’re happy to report that you can scare horses by wearing a dinosaur costume and the law won’t stop you.

Last summer, a woman in Charleston, South Carolina was accused of dressing up in a T. rex costume and scaring some horses pulling a carriage carrying 16 tourists. The incident caused the driver to fall from the carriage and break his foot, however, none of the tourists were hurt.

City prosecutors this week dropped the charges against the woman, effectively conceding that it is A-OK to dress up like a dinosaur and scare animals. Use this knowledge wisely.

Give the gift of a reusable rocket

We’re a week away from Valentine’s Day, and you probably haven’t gotten anything for your significant other, have you? Isn’t it time you got them something really special?

Maybe you should get that special someone a space rocket. You’re in luck, because there’s one on Craigslist going for just $9.9 million. The SpaceX Falcon 9 is listed in “good” condition, which just some minor burns and only light use. The down side is that shipping isn’t available, so you need your own tug boat. And then you’ll have to haul it all the way from Cape Canaveral, Florida. But that will make it mean that much more to your Valentine.

It’s a lot better than naming a star after them.

Super Bowl news hole: Wings around the world

It’s the Thursday before the Super Bowl, which means we’re on the home stretch of awful and stupid stories trying to fill the void of the two weeks leading up to the big game. Just hang in there for a few more days and it will all be behind us.

But until then, let’s talk about stupid things. For example, did you know that on Super Bowl Sunday, Americans will eat enough wings to circle the Earth three times over? Estimates are that 1.35 billion wings will be consumed on that highest of high holy days. And you just know that some of those will be boneless, because America isn’t strong anymore.

You know what? Let’s just watch that Eagles fan run into the pillar in the subway again.

Hurry up, Sunday.