China still can’t shake funeral strippers

Back in 2015 we told you about China’s crackdown on strippers performing at funerals, which probably led to a lot of you updating your wills. And now three years later, it seems the Chinese government can’t keep a good idea down.

China’s Ministry of Culture has announced that it is cracking down once again on funeral strippers, which remains a popular thing in rural areas because they are thought to boost attendance. But the problem may be more widespread than it was last time. Authorities said that they will also crack down on strippers at weddings and Chinese New Year celebrations.

So if you got engaged around Valentine’s Day, float the wedding stripper idea to your fiancee while she’s still distracted by her shiny new ring.

Of course it’s in Portland

Portland is probably known for a ton of odd characteristics:

  • The home of Voodoo Donuts.
  • The Mecca of conservative hippies.
  • The West Coast Mecca of hipsters.
  • An incredibly high strip club-to-resident ratio.
  • An incredibly high amount of hobos.

And now, a characteristic within a characteristic: totally legal topless panhandling.

Meanwhile, those who saw Friday’s topless panhandling say they’re not surprised.

“I think,” said a bystander, “it’s part of life in Portland.”

That sound you hear is the blood vessels in The Guys’ heads BURSTING.

Grandpa’s never been so happy

If you ever live old enough and can afford to retire, which if you regularly read this blog seems like an unlikely scenario, we recommend retiring in England, where assisted living facilities offer a bit more than their U.S. counterparts.

One such place, which promises a holistic approach to their care, is now hiring strippers and escorts for their residents. This, coupled with all those reports of all the old-people sex going on at retirement homes, makes us think that retirement may finally sound more like college than prison.

San Francisco takes a hard look at nudists

He’s what you’d call a reading buff.

The days of constant public nudity in San Francisco may be coming to a close. City officials will vote on an ordinance that bans all public nudity in the city.

Well … not quite all of it. Parents can still raise diaper-less free range preschoolers (provided they pick up after them or chuck it in the neighbor’s yard). Also, the ban would not apply to pride parades, fetish fairs and costumed — or, in this case, costumeless — races.

The ban would really only affect the naturists who congregate daily at Jane Warner Plaza, at the corner of Castro and Market Streets. Shop owners in the traditionally gay Castro district have complained, saying the nudists have gone from the occasional free spirit to a daily flock of dick pigeons, causing people to avoid the district altogether.

If the ban passes, then you can still leave your heart in San Francisco. Just don’t forget your pants.

Zombie strippers? Try ghost helper strippers

According to the Associated Press, men, women, and children attend folk religion ceremonies that takes place in Taiwan strip club traveling cars. These ceremonies involves pole dancing and lighted stages. Showgirls like 18 year old En En are hired to appear at festivals as well as at weddings and funerals, all to appease the dead via their alluring dancing.

I have never written such a string of sentences before.

Pole-dancing, singing, and flashing lights are the norm at these performances, despite stripping fully nude being a criminal offense in Taiwan. Partial stripping does happen, because that’s not against the law. Of course, it makes us wonder which level of partial stripping appeases the spirits most?

Art is in the eye of the one holding the singles

Don’t touch the artist while she is performing.

Are lap dances a form of art? A New York state strip club thinks so. Nite Moves in Albany, N.Y. is arguing in court that it doesn’t owe the state $124,000 in taxes on money earned from lap dances, since it is an art and should have the same tax exemptions as other forms of dance under state law.

Since the strip club is in the state capital, it seems pretty reasonable that the money is coming from public servants, so wouldn’t that just be taxing tax dollars?

Lifteths and separateths thy bossoms

Archaeologists have found what are now the earliest bras in human history. They date back to the 15th Century and were found in the remains of Lengberg Castle in eastern Tyrol, Austria. And when we say “bra,” we mean it: two distinct cups and and lacy embroidering that’s only visible when Heidi Klumming it all over the house.

This changes pretty much everything we know about medieval times and fancy knickers, especially since we originally thought the bra wasn’t invented until 1913.

Unless they aren’t bras, in which case they could be cowls for those two-headed eagles everyone kept drawing back then.

There’s a place in France where the naked ladies strike

Here in the U.S. our waiters make their living off of tips, it’s not that way in France, and neither is it for their strippers. Topless dancers at the famed Crazy Horse night club in Paris have gone on strike, because the wages aren’t good enough, but of course.

For the first time since 1951, the cabaret has had to cancel shows because of the strike. The women say the conditions are unworkable, since they have to work 24 days per month. For those of you doing the math at home, yes, that’s a day or two more than the average 5-day job, but in France, that may as well be like working 80 hours a week.

It’s likely the dancers are also pushing for more smoke breaks.

So now 7 year olds are too good for lap dance money?

Remember earlier in the week when SG told you about an overly-benevolent strip club that saved a local little league from plunging into financial destitution? It was only going to be the best movie found on The Hallmark Channel.

Well, save those tissues that were obviously going to be used for and only for tears, because it’s all exploded in the faces of everyone involved. Coincidentally enough, that also happens at strip clubs. Solely due to the souffles found at the buffet, of course.

The manager of the league has decided that the league does not need the money … specifically, the strip club’s money. It’s still currently financially destitute after returning the donation, but both the strip club’s owner and the league’s manager hope that the news has drummed up enough attention to their plight. Reportedly a paramedic has donated 1600 dollars, but does that money come from broken dreams and c-sections? I think not.