See nothing, say something

This insidious Muslim device could go off at any moment and play Bruno Mars. Harmless?
This insidious Muslim device could go off at any moment and play Bruno Mars. “Harmless?”

You would think that teachers in Texas, home of Texas Instruments, would know what a science project looks like versus, say, oh … a bomb. And yet 14-year-old Ahmed Mohamed was taken out of school by police in handcuffs on Monday after teachers reported his rebuilt digital clock as a potential bomb. And just to make sure he really learned his lesson (something along the lines of why Muslims in America might go radical), he was reportedly suspended as well.

So, yes, the school predicatably overreacted and potentially based on prejudice. But, that’s not the most concerning part. The Real Story takes place when things went bad for Mohamed: in English class.

He kept the clock inside his school bag in English class, but the teacher complained when the alarm beeped in the middle of a lesson. Ahmed brought his invention up to show her afterward.

‘She was like, it looks like a bomb,’ he said.

‘I told her, “It doesn’t look like a bomb to me.”’

The teacher kept the clock. When the principal and a police officer pulled Ahmed out of sixth period, he suspected he wouldn’t get it back.

Wait … what?! She wasted time arguing that the digital clock that had disturbed class by acting like a clock was a bomb, and then kept what she thought was a bomb? In the school?! And the kid gets suspended?

If this is what it looks like when the faculty of MacArther High goes out of its way to handcuff a brown kid, we’d hate to see what happens if they ever face a real emergency.

Hong Kong democracy protesters open hole into alternate universe where Kenny G matters

Based on Kenny G's ageless appearance, it's possible that he merely jumped in time from 1993 directly to the 2014 Hong Kong protests. Or he's an elf.
Based on Kenny G’s ageless appearance, it’s possible that he merely jumped in time from 1993 directly to the 2014 Hong Kong protests. Or he’s an elf.

The Guys support a lot of scientific ideas, but the existence of alternate universes based on the chaotic actions of the universe has not been one of them. However, the evidence in Hong Kong is stark and, frankly, conclusive: an alternative universe exists where Kenny G is still relevant, and it has intersected with our own.

If you haven’t noticed the change and believe that adult contemporary alto sax player Kenny G always was and remains relevant, let us tell you about our universe before students in Hong Kong protested in favor of freely nominating and electing their own leaders.

In our universe, Kenneth Bruce Gorelick — or, to his friends and people who survived the Cosby Cancellation Riots of the late 1990s, Kenny G — released two inexplicably, yet massively successful albums: Duotones in 1986 and Breathless (get it!?) in 1992. He was the Norah Jones of what musicologists would later term the Hootie Era, and then he gracefully disappeared.

But, in the intersecting alternative universe, Kenny G became a popular performer in China and recorded a song, “Going Home,” that is now the universally recognized audio cue for Chinese people to not necessarily go home, but stop staying in the venue playing it.

And, to make matters worse, neither side is entirely sure what his inter-dimensional presence at the protest means, but figuring it out is vitally important to both of them. Either he’s letting the protesters know that it’s time to clear the public square and go home, or he’s yet another Westerner trying to undo Chinese communism and, quite possibly, the fabric of space-time itself.

Whatever the case, we wish him all the success in the world. (Would you really miss this universe?)

College students wake up in the strangest places

This is why you always make your first climb on a floor painted to look like a wall with a spotter.

Firefighters freed a 19-year-old NYU undergrad who was wedged between two buildings for two days in New York City.

The only way they could get him out was to drill through a cinderblock wall since the space between the five-story parking garage and 17-story dormitory building was only 18 inches wide.

At this point, it appears that the only way the student could have gotten in there was from above.

If he was studying criminology, we’re pretty sure he just failed his Batman exam.

And yet they can’t change ‘The Other White Meat?’

If you didn’t know, the pork industry isn’t doing so hot right now. Granted, it’s not in horrible shape, but even with the scares that plagued the beef/horse/guinea pig/unknown beef paste industry, it’s still not doing fantastically. And so, in order to raise pork sales, the National Pork Board and the Beef Checkoff Program did what any other multi-billion dollar industry does when faced with slumping sales.

They renamed the same exact products to sell at the same price. Some examples include:

  • Pork chops are now ribeye chops. Logic: How much for a rib? (Link NSFW)
  • Pork butt is now Boston roast. Logic: Boston is full of a-holes.
  • A beef under blade boneless steak will now become a Denver steak. Logic: At least it’s not Rocky Mountain Oysters.

Best Korea clearly run by teenaged girl

Anonymous has a flimsy grasp of metaphors. We get the pig man part, but what do rakes and Mickey Mouse have to do with starving your populace to build nukes?
Anonymous is great with Photoshop filters, but has a flimsy grasp of metaphors. We get the pig man part, but what do rakes and Mickey Mouse have to do with starving your populace to build nukes?

Hackers who claim to be from the organization Anonymous hacked North Korea’s official Flickr and Twitter accounts to post pictures of …

Wait. North Korea (a.k.a. Best Korea to its leadership and former basketball-playing friends) has an official Flickr and Twitter account?

North Korea opened its Twitter account in 2010. It has more than 13,000 followers. The North uses the social media to praise its system and leaders and also to repeat commentaries sent out by North’s official Korean Central News Agency.

And they have more followers than us? Do they #teamfollowback and retweet? Because The Guys could use that kind of publicity …

No! We mustn’t trade our love of freedom for web page hits. proudly endorses democracy and liberty. (Please share that last sentence with your friends.)

Game of Thrones cosplayers one step closer to living their dream

Over the past two years, Game of Thrones mania has swept the nation, potentially the world. People left and right are caught up in the drama involving House Stark, politics, intrigue and dirty, dirty sex. Now some crazy people in Oregon have decided to take the obsession with the show one step further: the dire wolf is coming.

Lois Schwarz, of the Schwarz Kennels in White City, Oregon, and founder of The Dire Wolf Project, is attempting to breed the extinct species in order to have as a pet. Well, sort of. The theory is to bring back the aesthetics and looks of the dire wolf somehow in a domesticated companion dog breed. Why? A few reasons: as mentioned earlier, the dire wolf is extinct, it’s illegal to keep the modern gray wolf as a pet and a nerd is quickly parted with a lot of money (these beasts won’t come cheap).

People, perhaps you haven’t paid too much attention to the show or the books, but the dire wolves featured are very large, very scary and very dangerous. Bringing them back is not just a bad idea, it’s a … dire idea. [God, that was horrible, and SeriouslyGuys is ashamed that I wrote it.]

Cosplayers, don’t support this. Stick with the basics to support your costuming purposes: a paper mache dragon (that can be easily lost), a flaming sword, leeches and a missing ear.

Richard Kelly now creating test questions

Quiz time:

A talking pineapple has challenged a hare to a race. The other animals standing around wager on the immobile pineapple winning the race — and ponder whether it’s tricking them. When the pineapple fails to move and the rabbit wins, the animals dine on the pineapple. Why did the animals eat the talking fruit and which animal was wisest?

If you’re questioning my sanity, stop for a second. You’d also be questioning Pearson, the testing company that created the question, and the New York State Education Department, who allowed the question to be included on state testing exams.

Don’t worry too much, though, as you’d reasonably be taking the position of parents and educators across the state, as no one seems to understand how to correctly answer the question, and the answer may never be known.

State officials wouldn’t divulge the answer and said they couldn’t speculate on whether the questions will be scored or scratched because of the controversy. They also noted that under new state rules, the questions and answers won’t be released.

My theory is the answer is 42.