MasterChugs Theater: My kung-fu is crazier than yours

Have you been to the movies lately? It’s not too bad out there. I mean, I do despise a world where Paul Blart: Mall Cop out grosses Gran Torino. But then again, that could be because Gran Torino is an absolutely wonderful movie. Paul Blart? Not so much. Nonetheless, a lot of movies these days, while dramatic, lack one fairly crucial bit of storytelling.

Crazy kung-fu-ness.

No, really.

I miss the movies of the Shaw Brothers.

The largest movie production company in Hong Kong, the Shaw Brothers Studio was formed by Sir Run Run Shaw and his third brother Runme Shaw founded South Sea Film in 1930. Have you ever really looked at a lot of the titles from the company? The One Armed Swordsman. Temple of the Red Lotus. Five Deadly Venoms. Eight-Diagram Pole Fighter. House of 72 Tenants. Clans of Intrigue. This is just a small sampling. These, my friends, are movies that aren’t just victims of literal translation. No, these movies are pure and unbridled insanity put forth into a name. How beautiful is that? Properly naming a martial arts movie is almost as liberating as speaking that secret language that you and your best friend came up with that one summer. Speaking the name out in public can be more so.

Still, no good kung-fu movie is without its great character. Yes, the Wong Fei Hungs of both Jackie Chan and Jet Li are all fine and dandy. Don’t get it twisted–I’m not downplaying those characters. They definitely help a movie. But what about Fung Sheng Wu Chi? Lee Ho and Kung Su Ching? The Watermelon Monster from Drunken Wu Tang? No true kung-fu movie is complete without your insane character that makes absolutely no sense. To help explain what I mean, we’ll go over these four characters quickly.

Fung Sheng Wu Chi: bearer of the flying guillotine. Played by Kang Kam in Master of the Flying Guillotine, he’s your stereotypical blind old man in a kung-fu film whose long beard is only rivaled by his equally long eyelashes. Your normal old dude, right? Sure, except for two things-he has the most intimidating theme music of all time AND his weapon, the flying guillotine, is more bad-ass than you can believe. Granted, it looks like a normal hat attached to a long chain until BAM!, off with your head! He decapitates a chicken within 2 minutes of his first appearance in the movie just to show how awesome he is.

Lee Ho and Kung Su Ching: I’m going to group these two characters for one specific reason-the end of The Crippled Masters. Oh sure, Lee Ho may be a martial artist that fights without his arms (though in reality, he totally has a nub for an arm that’s even creepier than having no arms) and Kung Su Ching may fight on against a corrupt government despite having lost both of his legs when he had acid poured onto them, but when the two merge together thanks to the power of the Jade Horse Stacking Technique, they create the greatest fighter of all time: a two-headed and two-torso’d martial artist that has but four limbs between them. Genius.

The Watermelon Monster from Drunken Wu Tang:

Sometimes a picture says a thousand words.

The recent (-ish) resurgence of kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past decade or so has been great. I mean, how can you argue when movies like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Curse of the Golden Flower can absolutely move a person while watching them? It’s a total shame that Hero is not out on Blu-Ray on Region 1, considering how gorgeous the movie is. Three Kingdoms: Resurrection of the Dragon is astounding for simply how ambitious it is. But none of those movies have that balls-out, totally crazy character. Sadly, none of those films have a character that will flip out and start randomly killing people Robert Hamburger-style. Where is the character that makes the movie’s name live up to its name (especially if that movie starts with or contains the word “crazy”)? Characters who will display random acts of violence against midgets, why have you forsaken me? Kung-Fu Hustle was probably the closest we’ve gotten to having an old-school, totally crazy kung-fu movie. Unfortunately, classics like it are ultimately few and far between.

At the end of one of the Shaw’s last films, Eight Diagram Pole Fighter, the hero wanders off into the sunset claiming he has lost his place in the world. Crazy kung-fu movies, don’t walk into the sunset. Just walk into my dvd player.