MEANWHILE: Your dog ate some poop

David Madsen trained his Labrador Retriever to do basic math on command. The dog, Beau, can reportedly add, subtract, “do some division and has memorized square roots” with counted barks.

And yet, he somehow didn’t make the cut for David Letterman’s “Stupid Pet Tricks” segment.

If you would like to make Letterman pay for his insolence, don’t bother. Al Qaeda’s got it covered.

Hackers make my head spin

As a Playstation 3 owner, I’ve been one of the people who had to deal with the PSN being shut down due to hackers for over a month (almost a month? less than a month? whatever). It was a move that seemed slightly questionable — do we really need to have a free gaming network shut down and identity data potentially stolen simply because Linux was taken away from PS3’s? It just seems to be more extreme than you would expect.

Luckily, though, it would appear that all hackers are obviously crazy. MI6, the British intelligence agency, recently hacked the computers of al-Qaeda (which is not to be confused with All-Qaeder). Actions that they took, but were not limited too, included changing a downloadable 67-page color magazine for new prospects, updating the instructions about how to “Make a bomb in the Kitchen of your Mom” to randomized computer code. Which is where it gets weird.

The code, which had been inserted into the original magazine by the British intelligence hackers, was actually a web page of recipes for “The Best Cupcakes in America” published by the Ellen DeGeneres chat show.

I’m not saying it’s a bad idea, but like the earlier mentioned hacking idea, it just seems questionable. And horribly, horribly un-badass.

Terror Watch ’10: The Sizzler

9/11 changed everything, and by everything, I especially mean our buffet line foods. Now you can add salad bars and buffets to the list of places where terrorists may strike next.

Citing a “key Intelligence source,” CBS News reports that the federal government uncovered an al Qaeda plot earlier this year to poison salad bars and buffets at a variety of undisclosed locations. The report quotes from an al Qaeda website where terror leaders call for

“…attacking the enemy with smaller but more frequent operations” to “add a heavy economic burden to an already faltering economy.”

Specifically, terrorists have proposed using the poisons ricin and cyanide, both of which can be fatal in small doses.

Intelligence officials say that they don’t want to alarm the public, though they have briefed security officers at several restaurant and hotel chains. Intelligence officials, for all their titles may suggest, clearly aren’t aware of just how important places like Golden Corral and Old Country Buffet are to our American lifeblood.

We’re gonna need stronger sneeze guards.

Take it from Snee: How to avoid terrorism

So, I was off last week. What you may not realize is that I was off from my mild-mannered job, too. (By day, I am not the debonair man of Internet taste and karate that you admire.)

When I returned–with their blessing–to work on Monday, I discovered two reference materials in my inbox:

  1. The latest guide to surviving hurricanes from the NOAA.
  2. This year’s Joint Chiefs of Staff Anti-terrorism Guidebook.

This week’s column is not about hurricane safety. As someone who lives close to the Tennessee border and an entire state away from the Atlantic, hurricanes are no joke to this funny guy. If a hurricane ever made landfall and didn’t downgrade to a tropical storm this far inland, then it is time to enjoy my last orgy on Earth.

No, it’s about terrorism and–if you don’t like it–how to avoid it. Continue reading Take it from Snee: How to avoid terrorism

Fox News finally has a true online rival

It took nearly 10 years since they exploded on the New York scene, but Al-Qaida has finally gotten their particular brand of propaganda translated into the English language.

The terrorist group–accept no substitutes–launched their English language Web ‘zine, Inspire, on Tuesday. They’ve even taken a note from infidel fashion magazines with their feature article, “How to Make a Bomb in the Kitchen of Your Mom.”

(Unlike Maxim, it’s not a clever title about impregnating MILFs, but literally about making bombs with common kitchen items … though they belong to your mom and you shouldn’t know how to use them if you’re a fundiemoron.)

We’d like to welcome Al-Qaida to the Internet, and wish nothing them nothing but our thoroughly CIA-investigated best!

Ask your local terror provider for ‘Al-Qaeda’

They may be officially called “adhesive bandages,” but no matter who makes ’em, we still call them “Bandaids.” It’s not a tissue, it’s a “Kleenex.” We didn’t hold up the liquor store with an “assault rifle,” we used our trusty “Kalashnikov.”

And, as demonstrated by our invasion of Iraq, the U.S. doesn’t respond to “terror,” but to “Al-Qaeda.”

However, if your local terror provider didn’t carry that brand of Al-Qaeda terror we’ve grown to fear and trust, then have we got news for you: the Kings of Dramedy (“It’s funny and sad because it’s true!) are going into syndication to help spread their brand into previously untapped markets.

That’s right: if you’ve had to put up with generic Taliban (more like “Talibland“) and Lashkar-i-Taiba (more like “Lashkar-i-Suck“) terrorism, then don’t despair! Namebrand terror is on its way!

Was Rick Snee right again?

Last Wednesday, columnist Rick Snee gave it to you about the pronunciation of “2010” (again). And while he routinely projects volleys of predictions in these pieces, hoping one of them may stick, it appears he’s on the cusp of being right.

On the topic of future wars in the “Twenty-Ten” chain of events, he said the following:

“But, the Future War could be with anyone or anything. Imagine fighting aliens! Or time travellers! Or maybe even Communazis! Could the British want revenge for losing Samoa in 1900?! We can only hope!

Not one week later, the Yemeni government said that Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian charged with attempted unChristmaslike crotch behavior on a plane bound for Detroit, was “radicalised and recruited by al-Qaeda while a student in London.”

London. As in London, England. That’s where British people come from.

It appears that the U.K. is harboring terrorists. Sounds like invadin’ time to us!

Administration still hopes to kill bin Laden

It’s a countdown to January 20th for Osama bin Laden, the bearded mastermind behind such tapes as:

  • “Die, you yankee infidel scum!”
  • “You are all fat and I hope you die, Americans!”
  • “Hey, is anyone still hunting for me? Well … you’ll never catch me because I’m like the wind, baby!”
  • “America, you suck.”

He is apparently still alive and living in seclusion from his posse, al Qaeda. After eight solid years of carpetbombing by U.S. armed forces, they finally voted him out of the terrorist organization.

The CIA believes he’s out there, somewhere in the vincinity of the Pakistan-Afghanistan border, still carrying his extinguished tiki torch and waiting for that lucrative sitcom or book deal.

Some intelligence experts believe that the CIA is in a race against time, trying to kill bin Laden before President Bush leaves office. Unfortunately, those experts also forget that CIA operatives are salaried government employees who can’t get fired even if you really want them to.

Video games will kill you

Iowa State University would have you believe that video games aren’t safe.

Iowa State University would like to it known that video games are causing aggressive behavior in children regardless of their cultural surroundings, which is totally not a case of kids being kids.

Iowa State University would like you to think that a new study from their merry halls shows several parallels to a recent Japanese study.

Iowa State University isn’t telling you the whole truth.

Video games will kill you. Video games are nothing but a tool of Al Qaeda. You want proof?

One detainee is said to have been schooled in making detonators out of Sega game cartridges.

That’s some old school destruction, and I’m not talking about the kind found in Gunstar Heroes. Whoever gets the job tonight won’t have to deal with just the fallout of the War in Iraq, Guantanamo Bay and the crash of Wall Street, but also the destructive capabilities of old copies of Mutant League Football.

This little piggy got popped

While animal agents may have infiltrated the European legislative and judicial systems, here at home, we still know what side we are on in the War on Animals, and that goes double for the U.S. Army.

In a medical training exercise (also to send a message) to be held in Hawaii, the army is planning to shoot a bunch of pigs, despite protests from the al Qaeda-backed People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. That’s right, for the first time in far too long, the army is going to shoot animals with its M16 rifles and M4 carbines. SWEET.

And since it is being held in Hawaii, a huge pig roast will be held afterward.