You ate the worm? So what?

Worms, scorpions and other tiny animals are often found at the bottom of liquor bottles. One animal you can cross off that list is the rattlesnake.

A rancher in Texas was recently arrested after he had begun selling bottles of vodka with rattlesnakes inside them. The idea had been pretty profitable for him because he sold it as an “ancient Asian elixir.” Bayou Bob Popplewell was arrested and charged with selling alcohol beverages without a license. It could mean a year in jail and $1,000 fine.

Not only was this man selling booze to people who need a nip, but he managed to incorporate the genocide of rattlesnakes into the process. He should be praised, not arrested. FREE BAYOU BOB!

Brew and a haircut, two bits

It is a sad day in Michigan. Once again, activist judges are trying to keep people from their favorite pass time: drinking. But what’s worse is that now they are issuing rulings that threaten free enterprise.

There are 11 Jude’s Barbershops in the Grand Rapids area, and thanks to a court ruling, now none of them can give a free beer with a shave or a haircut. The state’s attorney general said the barbershops need a liquor license in order to give out the free brew.

In totally unrelated news, Grand Rapids area men are now getting hairier for no apparent reason.

Booze News: Ladies’ Night edition

The Guys are all about women, especially the drunk variety. In keeping with news about boozy broads, we have another edition of Booze News that is all about those with two X chromosomes and a rather high BAC.

Thanks to Boris Yeltsin, it’s no secret that vodka is the favorite spirit of Russia. But did you know that Russian men seem to drink it more than Russian women? One distiller has seen this niche market and plans to tap it with new Damskaya, or “Ladies” vodka.

Dames: Are you heading out to the gym? Instead of some fancy sports drink or even water, why not bring along something that looks like water–vodka. Finishing off that salad lunch? Good for you, you’re so health-conscious. Time to celebrate with a nip!

Next up for the lady lushes is wine. We all know that only females and Frenchmen drink wine, anyway. A Dutch man, seen here looking like Saddam Hussein shortly after being captured, who makes wine, has insured his nose for $8 million. This will help keep him going in case something happens. Because, as you know, one drinks wine through the nose. Only peasants drink it through the mouth.

An army of drunk

Join the Russian Army, see the world–through an alcohol-fueled haze.

Recently, some civilians got a rather rude wake up call when a tank crashed into the corner of their house. A cell phone video (unavailable) reportedly shows the tanked tank crew get out and start laughing. The tank had stopped in town to pick up more vodka, and apparently they completed their mission. The red-faced members of the Red Army then continued on their way, most likely merrily.

“‘Of course, there were violations but the crew acted in good faith to catch up with its unit,’ said Colonel Konstantin Lazutkin, spokesman for Russia’s Volga-Urals Military District.”

Well put, comrade, at least they got back in formation after their booze run.

Bud: The official sponsor of Missouri?

Lawmakers know what’s really important to the public. They know why people elected them: because the people need someone to speak out on the big issues for them. One such issue is beer.

A Missouri state lawmaker wants to make Budweiser the official state beer. Because when you think the best beer an entire state can muster up, you turn to the bland, over-carbonated taste of Budweiser.

“‘We’ve got a state dinosaur, a state frog, a state reptile, a state flower, a state nut, but no one has given a thought to a company that’s been in Missouri for many, many years and is bringing prosperity to our state and manufacturing a product in our state that many people enjoy,’ Dougherty said.”

In other news, Missouri is looking to change its slogan to “Great Taste, Less Filling.”

Some people shouldn’t be allowed to drink

Important parenting tip from The Guys: So your 4 year-old won’t stop whining and asking you questions while drooling on his or herself. Might as well get the kid drunk–not like they can slur their words anymore, right?


Don’t send your toddler to school smashed, no matter how much they beg for it. They may complain about how they can’t cope with the social scene, or say that it helps them sleep at nap time, or how their teacher is always busting their balls, demanding more reading time and less time playing with toys. But that doesn’t mean alcohol is the answer.

Wait until they are 6 before you give them their first nip. Because learning to walk is hard enough when you’re sober.

(Courtesy of Courtney P.)

The McBournie Minute: I am past my prime

There was a time when I was a U.S. Olympic hopeful, my event: drinking. I would practice for hours and hours on an almost daily basis. I was good–really good. It didn’t matter if I practiced at home or at a bar. Often it was sometimes both. Nor did it matter what I and my teammates drank because we were pretty diverse in our tastes.

However, those days are over. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: I am past my prime

Bringing back the lush’s lunch

The people of China are fighting back! They are not going to take government oppression anymore. They have had it with being told what do to and how to do it, and they are tired of Big Brother watching everything they do on their lunch breaks.

In an act of defiance not seen in China since Tienanmen Square, a legal challenge, backed by the country’s liquor producers, is looking to overturn a ban on imbibing on lunch breaks in the Henan province. This blog supports the three (or five)-martini lunch, and would like nothing better than to see this ban free the Chinese people.

Where ever there is a ban on alcoholic beverages, consider SeriouslyGuys your own personal Tom Joad.

How To: Stay healthy

Remember lunch time as kid, when your parents would tell you to eat the crust of your sandwich, because it was “good for your teeth?” Or how about when they told you an apple a day keeps the doctor away? Or the so-called experts, who can’t decide if eggs are good or bad for you? What a bunch of crap you’ve been fed all your life.

Now it’s time to set the record straight. Here are some simple tips to help you stay healthy and save money from expensive visits to the doctor’s office. Here’s how to stay healthy. Continue reading How To: Stay healthy

The McBournie Minute: Wedding receptions

We are gathered here this morning to discuss something very important in everyone’s lives, more importantly, other people’s lives. That subject is the beauty of a wedding and the free alcohol that comes with it.

This past Saturday I spent in Boston for a friends’ wedding. For those of you who have never been to Boston in February, I highly recommend it. It’s beautiful this time of year. It was an oppressively warm 26 degrees on Saturday, with not a cloud in the sky. Most of the snow had melted, leaving only salt and mud behind. This is why Boston’s tourism flourishes during February.

I am convinced that everyone who attends a wedding has one thing on their minds: “I hope this thing has a nice spread.” In this regard, some weddings are better than others. This is what can make or break a wedding for most people. On Saturday, I was not disappointed. There were roughly five courses, or plates, I can never remember the difference, and each one was better than the one before it.

But the best part was the open bar. There, I was free to imbibe as many Jack and Cokes as my liver desired (there was also some drink ordering for the date, as well). There is something mystical about an open bar and being all dressed up for an event. It makes you want to drink, but look fancy doing it. What may have been the smartest move overall at this wedding was there was no dancing, nor was there karaoke. I say this not because I was in danger of dancing or singing (though I was tempted on the Frank Sinatra songs), but because seeing other people do it can ruin an experience.

The year is still young, and by my count, I still have four more weddings on my schedule. May the brides and grooms have eternal happiness, and may the food at their receptions be excellent.