Brains later, mended bones now

The Resident Evil movies haven’t exactly been great. While they’re not truly atrocious, they’re definitely not good, but the only pain that the films have inflicted upon the masses has been purely of the cinematic kind. At least, before October 11, that was all they did.

On Tuesday, October 11, while shooting a scene in the newest movie in the film series, Resident Evil: Retribution, a stage collapsed and sixteen actors fell, some from as high up as 20 feet. Paramedics were rushed on site, and injuries were diagnosed as not life-threatening, but only after some time and confusion passed.

Oh, I also forgot to tell you that all sixteen actors were in full costume, dressed as zombies.

The victims’ zombie costumes made it difficult at first for crews to assess the severity of their injuries

What, did the producers put Tom Savini and Greg Nicotero to work on the make-up beforehand? That’s some good costume and make-up effects if not. Of course, this did happen in Toronto. Is this what free health care gets you, emergency personnel that can’t tell the difference between an actor and a zombie?

Maybe they should send more paramedics.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Latitude Zero’

The movie reviews are back, and, oh, look what month it is. That’s right-we’re looking at March, which almost always results in taking a glance at the worst movies ever made. Coincidentally enough, my Dad and I tend to look out for each other in this regard-we’ll send each other a heads up on movies that are just horrible, or we’ll even just send each other the dvd’s themselves. One day, I received Latitude Zero in the mail from Pops.

Latitude Zero is not a good movie.

Latitude Zero is not even an enjoyable good movie. Thanks a lot, Dad. Jerk. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Latitude Zero’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘American Ninja 4’

Your eyes do not deceive you: we’re reviewing American Ninja 4: The Annihilation before American Ninja 3. See, there’s a logic for that-Our Lord Dudikoff never made an appearance in the third movie of the great American movie series. Luckily, he showed up to the franchise for THE GREATEST NINJA FILM EVER.

Don’t let my words fool you. This movie isn’t filed under the movie morts for no reason. It’s bad. Oh, it’s bad. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘American Ninja 4’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘American Ninja 2’

The original American Ninja introduced us to Michael Dudikoff as a blond-haired, blue-eyed U.S. soldier skilled in the arts of ninjitsu. In all ways it was an action movie that represented the decade of its birth: excessive, somewhat shallow and pure VHS filler.

American Ninja 2: The Confrontation, on the other hand, isn’t just a movie, it is truth in advertisement to the letter. Not only does it feature an American ninja but it also has a confrontation. So right there we must give credit where credit is due, because damn it, some movies don’t even get this right so at least the movie candidly delivers what it said it would. Some would mock the title, claiming such viscous things as “Have you seen a ninja movie without a confrontation?” But DAMN IT, this is no call for criticism, it’s for PRAISE. And strangely enough, that’s the only negative thing he says about American Ninja 2, but can you blame him? I sure wouldn’t want to irritate the American Ninja, especially after seeing his invincible standards here. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘American Ninja 2’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘American Ninja’

Annnnnnd we’re back.

See, we gave you a special edition of MasterChugs Theater last week in order help celebrate the birthday of SeriouslyGuys. But now, it’s back to the grind. Quality movies like you wouldn’t believe, and with the recent Oscar season having ended so soon, that shouldn’t be too hard at all. I mean, look at the sheer number of quality movies that came out in the past year. In fact, while some of them may not have been top level movie of the year films, the large amount of movies for the expanded Best Picture of the Year category should at least be noteworthy.

Oh, wait, what’s that? You tell me that it’s March? Hmm. Well, time to scrap those above plans, as we all know what that means.

March Movie Morts.

Let’s celebrate this year’s edition with the greatest American action movie star of the 80’s: Michael Dudikoff. In doing so, we can only kick start a celebration of The Dudikoff (He complies) properly by examining the great film in his filmography: American Ninja. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘American Ninja’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Cursed’

Even a man who is pure at heart
And says his prayers by night
Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms
And the autumn moon is bright…

…or you can take the unique approach of not having that man (or teenage kid in this case) become an actual wolf, only gain its supernatural powers. This is just one of the many strange and disappointing ways Cursed handles werewolves in its approach to the genre.

For all intents and purposes, Cursed is a camp film straight out of the late 1970s. It captures the unique look and sense of a movie from that era, from its cinematography, to the feel of its script, even down to the patter of how dialog is delivered.

That’s where the compliments end. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Cursed’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘I Know Who Killed Me’

I Know Who Killed Me feels like a deliberate exercise in cinematic ineptitude. When movies are released theatrically, they carry with them an obligation to at least appear professional and possess some kind of virtue to entice the audience. With its amateur presentation, “I Know” is better suited as a direct-to-DVD release, or perhaps as a midnight movie on the USA Network back in the early 90’s. It shouldn’t have been made this way at all. Many times, it’s been said about some movies by other people that “pornos have better plots.” I don’t know about better plots, but in regards to this movie, perhaps higher standards.

Given Lindsay Lohan’s colorful public behavior and continuing legal difficulties, playing a stripper with a crackhead mom might not have been the best way to distract from her tabloid image. Fortunately, in the attempted psychological thriller I Know Who Killed Me, Lohan also plays a wealthy college student who writes fiction, excels at the piano and refuses to sleep with her boyfriend. That’s all right, then. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘I Know Who Killed Me’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li’

The original Street Fighter, the Jean Claude Van Damme/Kylie Minogue/Ming Na vehicle that managed to kill the great Raul Julia, is not a good movie. It never was, and anyone that thought it was is a fool. However, it does have one fairly redeeming value-it’s flat out hilarious how bad it is. With lines uttered by Van Damme (playing the incredibly American soldier, William Guile) like “You sun hof ha beetch” and “Ow-fah, uht-tack”, it made the movie utterly enjoyable.

Over a decade and a half later, we have Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. It’s not connected to Street Fighter outside of its characters having the same names as some of the characters from the original. It’s also not a good movie. And that’s it. Unlike the original, there is nothing redeeming about it. Let’s find out why. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Juwanna Mann’

Awful April continues, and frankly folks, it doesn’t exactly get better from here. We’ve got another stinker from the past decade-which, honestly, is odd. You would think that by now, more than a century since the beginning of movie-making, we’d be able to not make cinematic schlock.

You’d be wrong. You’d be dead wrong.

Hollywood loves to dress up men in drag. Who knows why? Certainly I’d rather not get into the Freudian aspects of that, simply because this is MasterChugs Theater, not DoctorChugs Couch. Sometimes, they can be halfway decent-see Some Like It Hot for inspiration like that. Most of the time though, they’re just bad-see Sorority Boys and Tootsie.

And then there’s Juwanna Mann, a film most probably hailing from the bowels of Beelzebub. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Juwanna Mann’

MasterChugs Theater: ‘House of the Dead’

Awful April begins, and boy do we have a doozy. German director Uwe Boll is one of the few to succeed in making most people cower in terror. Sadly, not because the movie we’re gonna take a look at is a scary movie per se, more that $12,000,000 was wasted on such a celluloid abomination. House of the Dead is that rare beast that goes beyond bad and then beyond “so bad it’s good” into its own little niche where even the most die-hard horror fans fear to tread.

When talking about this movie, think “so bad it’s irredeemable”.

Want to know why? Are you a hardcore masochist? Figure out for yourself the answer to both questions and just hit the jump already. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘House of the Dead’