Allies play ‘long game’ strategy in Germany

The most productive factory workers were able to lay hundreds of these "democracy eggs" a day.
The most productive factory workers were able to lay hundreds of these “democracy eggs” a day.

Back in the 1940s, the world wasn’t sure if German people would ever get back to wearing shorts with suspenders and just being all-around adorable. So, when the Allied powers began strategically bombing the Nazi out of Nazi Germany, they left a couple thousand long-term bombs behind, just in case those old feelings came creeping back.

And that’s why Berlin commuters couldn’t go to work today.

Blow in the cartridge to disable it

In more video game related news, a Game Boy and a cell phone made up a bomb-like device that caused the evacuation of a Florida high school. But not just any Game Boy-the chunky edition (we’re wildly speculating).

A concerned student discovered the device, reportedly consisting of the Game Boy, a mobile phone, and some protruding wires, taped to the underside of sink in a restroom at Pensacola High School Monday morning, immediately reporting it to school officials. Fearing the device might be a bomb, authorities evacuated the school. Many students waited patiently for an hour until the all-clear and then went back to class. It’s estimated that three-quarters of the student body were either kept home by concerned parents or opted not to return to class. Snow day, woo-hoo!

Authorities have arrested 18-year-old Lars O’Mara, who allegedly admitted to making and placing the device in order to gain popularity and get people out of class. Lars is facing felony charges for manufacturing a hoax explosive device, using a Game Boy.

People, let’s be frank here: never, EVER, trust a guy named Lars. Have we learned nothing from Die Hard?

Take it from Snee: I will be safe again

For eight years–eight years–I believed we had created a safer United States, a bomb-free and non-terrorized America.  I thought that, by taking my shoes off at airports and picketing Muslim schools, we were safe.

All of that was thrown out the window this morning thanks to CNN and Bryan Schools (but mostly Bryan Schools). Now I’m terrified, which is terrorism. (Bryan Schools is a terrorist.)

If 10 U.S. government agents could sneak bombs into U.S. government buildings past other U.S. government employees, then every step the U.S. government has taken to protect me was all a lie. I’m not safe, nor was I ever.

But, I’m going to change that, you Take it from Snee. Continue reading Take it from Snee: I will be safe again

We only need 49 states, anyway

We already have enough problems dealing with the animals we know about, yet for some reason, people are convinced that there are bigger, scarier animals out there that will be ready to eat us. Sometimes these people are driven warriors trying to root out threats, other times they are godless homosexuals.

An expedition that set out into the wilds of West Virginia (which is a vague term, the whole state is pretty much uncivilized and uninhabitable) to find evidence of Bigfoot. And what do you know, they found some! What are the odds of people under the guise of science going out to seek unlikely results, find some and draw an immediate conclusion?

They found some tracks and heard weird sounds at night. Folks, this is evidence enough for this blog. It’s time to hit these large-footed bastards where they live. Let’s nuke West Virginia!