Tag: canada

I’m gonna make it rain!

Canadian McDonald’s, prepare to make me your KING!

McDonald’s of Canada has begun selling fast food in exchange for bills from Monopoly. You read that correctly. Fake money is actually being traded for real(-ish) food. In lieu of legal tender. This insane act is being done in celebration of the return of their now classic promotion (just take a guess what it’s called) in the Great White North.

The fun money will only get you a free large fries (like I said, real-ish food), but single Monopoly dollars are of the same equivalent trade-in value as the five hundred dollar variety.

So, what does this mean? As the owner of 4 different versions of the game, and my parents own 5 different versions, I don’t think it’s a stretch to declare me the richest man in Canadian McDonald’s. Which is roughly the same as being the first runner-up of the NIT.

There’s a complication behind implication

So, it seems that some people in the world find rape to be a pretty touchy subject. That’s understandable, what with the ickiness behind the act, the philosophies behind the meaning of it taking place and Ice-T’s lisp. Seriously, that’s one cop that hates the letter S. Nonetheless, it’s not that much of a stretch to say that the strong majority of people in existence find rape to fall on the bad side of the line.

So, it’s also understandable for people to be a wee bit upset when a judge utters the line that

“sex was in the air“

in regards to a sexual assault case he was presiding over after giving  a man accused of rape a two-year conditional sentence.

The judge pointed out the victim and her friend were dressed in tube tops, no bras, and high heels and noted they were wearing plenty of makeup.

We’re not going to say that the judge was making a legal precedent for “with the way she was dressed, she was asking for it,” mainly because we’re not lawyers. Or judges. But we will imply it!

What’s this all aboot?

When you hear the word monopoly, you tend to think of AT&T, your local cable companies (hello Cox and Comcast, I’m speaking to you) or even a board game. The last thing you could ever connect with that word is Canada, right? Right?

Wrong. Global warming, (for everyone that does believe in it), is beginning to affect maple trees in New England. And by affect, I mean “slowly decreasing the amount that grow.” But only in the New England area, which leads to my earlier comment: Canada’s maple trees are apparently not being affected by global warming.

Oh sure, Canada may seem nice and friendly, perhaps like a jovial and helpful neighbor to the north … but deep down, I think we all know that they would have no problem implementing an iron fist on a sugary sweet stronghold if they’re given the chance. Once that happens, don’t be surprised to see maple syrup prices rise to an all time high. Soon, the waffle, pancake and french toast industries will all go down in flames-except in Canada, where it’ll be a new golden age for Canadian breakfast items.

To all the Republican party members, conservatives and naysayers: this stuff is real enough to majorly affect me. I can’t have pancakes without maple syrup. DON’T FORCE ME TO EAT PANCAKES WITHOUT MAPLE SYRUP! DON’T!

Clark can’t save you now

If you weren’t aware of it by now, Cousin Eddie, also known by his slave name as Randy Quaid, is a bit crazy. That’s not an actual medical diagnosis (we’d save that for the dear and knowledgeable Dr. Snee), but it’s fairly accurate enough. You see, there’s been a bit of a man-hunt for both Randy and his wife, Evi, as the two have been alleged to be illegal squatters of property.

Recently though, Randy and Evi were found in Vancouver. When questioned by Canadian officials regarding their behavior, Randy stated:

he and his wife are seeking asylum there because eight of their close friends, including Australian actor Heath Ledger, have been murdered in the US and they don’t want to be next.

Such an insidious plot! People, we can’t make this up, because some people are doing that for us. Here’s the real secret conspiracy: The green stuff will kill you but the brown slop won’t.

Setting the future back by a few years

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh Canada. You’re a friendly enough country that you’re supposed to be progressive toward the future, not against it.

A group of Ontario parents dubbed the Simcoe County Safe School Committee believes Wi-Fi transmitters in schools may be responsible for a host of symptoms their kids show — from headaches to an inability to concentrate — all of which disappear on weekends.

Now, just to point out something-what they’re essentially upset about are radio signals. You know what also uses radio signals? Radios. Of course, radio waves are actually weaker than actual visible light waves which you are immersed in constantly, but pay no heed to that.

Parents of Ontario, progress is not something that you should be scared about. Embrace it. Love it. Coddle it, rather than coddling your children with fear over nothing. The next thing you’ll tell us is that topically-applied fluoride doesn’t prevent tooth decay, but it does render teeth detectable by spy satellites.

Soon it’ll be “Ohhhhhh Canada”

Rarely has our category ever been more accurate.

Canada, specifically Ontario, has begun the first steps in legalizing prostitution. A ruling by a judge took down three laws under the pretense that it’s to balance the rights of sex-trade workers, rather than having to deal with the concept of morality.

Now, what does this mean?

  1. Prostitutes could eventually become a unionized group, an outcome that could possibly lead to scantily and garishly clad women going on strike and many single men becoming incredibly sore (we’ll let you read into that).
  2. Don’t be surprised to see home sales, apartment rentals and hotel stays in Ontario go up.

War on Animals, eh?

The animals are focusing their attacks on our neighbors (or as they say in Canadian, “neighbours”) to the North. Last week, a pig wearing a scarf held up highway traffic in southern Ontario. Several callers told the police that they saw the beast walking along the road, but the commuter menace eluded authorities.

A day later, an apparently wild rooster has been terrorizing people in Saint John, New Brunswick. The rooster has been waking up residents early in the morning, and has apparently set up shop in one family’s back yard. The sleep-deprived citizens is becoming a problem for people with its loud crows and disparaging remarks about peoples’ mothers. Here’s a thought: someone leave their cat out one night.

What else are they supposed to do?

In Canada, a controversy brewed when video of a 10-year-old age group hockey team showed several members of the team drinking beer. What’s shocking is that 10 is not the legal age to drink in Canada.

Apparently, the country does not believe that beer after a hockey game is what should be going on for these kids. If it isn’t, then what was the women’s Olympic team doing after they won the gold medal?

A toast: To guilt!

Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Management researchers have learned something interesting about guilt: it makes you drink. For some reason, millions of Americans want to forget why they feel guilty, and nothing helps you forget like booze.

But did you know that undergraduates feel guilty about drinking underage and/or to excess? When shown Canadian (?) anti-drinking drinking public service ads, the teens decided they needed a drink.

American teens drinking to forget guilt-trips from our frozen, drunken neighbors to the north? Yeah, we’ll drink to that, too.