Tag: child

How To: Turn your kid in a blow gun

Longtime readers, no time commenters may recall that Guys Bryan McBournie and Rick Snee used to alternate a weekly feature called “How To.” Although we’ve since fallen off the controlling-your-life wagon, every so often we’ll run across a life skill we didn’t even know that you need.

Moms, are you prepared to administer … “The Mother’s Kiss?”

Used when (not if) Junior lodges something up his nose, the now pediatrician-approved “Mother’s Kiss” is the best way to remove that object without a panicked ER visit. (Note: Never use tweezers or pliers to pull a foreign object out of your child’s nose. You might need those to pluck your eyebrows later.)

Simply plug the Cheerio-free nostril, and then seal your mouth over your husband’s child’s open mouth. Next, blow. Executed properly, the tiny race car should shoot out of either the nostril or the ears.

Schwarzenegger? He knew ‘er very well, actually

The media and a lot of comedy sites are latching onto the Schwarzeneggers’ personal tragedy. The Guys, however, are bigger than that. We’re looking for the teachable moment here, so that’s why we reached out to Gov. Schwarzenegger and asked if he had learned anything.

Arnold?

Annnnnnnnnnnnnd…?

Yes, b–

And there you have it.

My grenade says you WILL give me more recess time

Remember show and tell? It was so much fun! Every week (or whatever calendar interval you were given), you got to bring in whatever you wanted to brag about-it could be a new toy, an awesome book, your emergency spleendectomy souvenirs, anything. Why, in the third grade, I brought in my pet turtle. Boy oh boy, was my class surprised when my pet turtle was actually my newborn brother (this is not an exaggerated story).

But this kid here? This kid wins it all. The Scottish lad (or lassie) brought in a fragmentation grenade. We’re talking World War 1 era potato masher style.

There’s been no word on injuries or anything like that, but man, Chuck Fenderman is going to have one heckuva time trying to top that next week.

What’s more presidential than making new citizens?

Proving that the U.S. isn’t the only country with an oppositional party that overcompensates with moral outrage, the South African party, Congress for the People,  is asking for President Jacob Zuma’s resignation.

Zuma, who already has 3 wives and 20 children, fathered another one out of wedlock. That’s right: it wasn’t even with one of his three wives! What ever happened to marital fidelity?!

(Of course, were this a French African country, his wives would probably accept his mistress.)

Critics are citing the statistic that “one in nine South Africans is infected with HIV.” They argue that Zuma’s out of wedlock child sets a bad example.

We’re not saying that South Africa has a … shoddy understanding of AIDS, but not only do they seem to believe that simply more South Africans equals more AIDS, but Zuma himself said, for a separate sex charge, that “he took a shower after the act to minimize the chance of infection” after (allegedly consensual) sex with an HIV-positive family friend.

I never did trust the LEGO maniac

Any you know what? Neither should you. After all, any interaction with LEGO products is a deadly experience that will get you and everyone around you killed.

Mock shooting is apparently a very big issue in America. Plastic guns, while ridden with the inability to actually fire any projectiles, are clearly one of the biggest banes of our society. The only reasonable solution is to eventually remove our hands.

The moral of the story? Never bring an ax to a gunfight.

I learned how to press the X button for gas all by myself!

I am a resident of Virginia, and for the most part, I enjoy this state. It’s temperate, it’s got better drivers than those you would find in the state of Maryland (but then again, schools for the blind have better drivers-I kid, I kid) and it’s not that wholly objectionable of a state.

Of course, there are also times that make me wish I lived in a different state. This is one of those times.

A six-year-old Virginia boy was so intent on getting to school one morning that, after missing the school bus, he decided to help himself to the family sedan and drive there.

However, being six, he only managed to find a utility pole instead.

He only suffered minor injuries, and was even able to get to school, escorted there by authorities after a quick hospital evaluation. Since mom was asleep when the driving proviso decided to start his day, his parents were charged with child endangerment, and he and his brother are now in protective custody.

The boy claims he learned to drive playing Grand Theft Auto and Monster Truck Jam. Which, you know, is wonderful that the parents are clearing doing a great job of letting their youngster play GTA. This is a parenting tip we could all learn from.

Fun fact: Six-year-olds are magnets for utility poles. Really. Stick one in front of them and the two will be stuck together like white on rice.

That’s one #@%*ing mixed message

OK, so first we’ve got this article on CNN: “Bartering sex for stuff or services.” In it, cases are presented of women offering sex for services like tour guides of the Amazon, test answers and unclogged plumbing for sex.

So, the good news is that the porn industry isn’t completely full of crap. (Well, unless it’s one of those films.)

Next up from the same CNN page on the same day: “FBI: Couple wants car, offers sex with 5-year-old.”

So, apparently there is a right way and a wrong way to whore it up. Thanks for almost clearing that up.