How To: Tell if a celebrity is really a spy
Posted on August 14, 2008
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We found out recently that while chef Julia Child was showing her chops as a cook, she was leading a secret double life, cooking up how to defeat the Nazis. Yes, Julia Child is among several nearly-or-almost-dead famous people who were part of the U.S. Office of Strategic Services, the pre-CIA.
We found out in his autobiography that Gong Show creator and host Chuck Barris was a CIA operative, even while he was on the show (something which has never truly been confirmed or denied). This raises the question: who among our current celebrities is involved in covert operations? That’s why The Guys bring you how to tell if a celebrity is really a spy. Read more
Written by Bryan McBournieMini-How To: Dump your boyfriend
Posted on August 14, 2008
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So CNN is hemming and hawing about how not dump a guy. See, the author, Judy McGuire, is worried that you’ll hurt your boyfriend’s feelings by dumping him the wrong way.
Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? There’s only one foolproof way to dump a guy without hurting his feelings: set him up with one of your hotter friends.
Which friend, you ask? The one with the biggest boobies. Or the one that decided to go to school instead of become a model. If all else fails, go with the one with the most exotically colored pubic hair.
He won’t care about anything else you have to say. Best of all, when that relationship is over, he won’t stalk you.
Once again, CNN–we’ve warned you about this before. We write the Thursday How To segments and you stick to panda stories. Deal? Deal.
Written by Rick SneeHow To: Enjoy the Olympics
Posted on August 7, 2008
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You may not have heard, but tomorrow they are holding the opening ceremonies for the 2008 Beijing Olympics. This means that there will be all kinds of fun sports to watch, like people running, people running and jumping, and people running, jumping and dunking. But since the Olympics only come every couple years (by our count), you may be out of practice. This might make you sad or afraid. Fear not, The Guys are here to show you how to enjoy the Olympics. Read more
How To: Use a condom
Posted on July 31, 2008
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So a certain SeriouslyMom found a condom tied around the door handle of her car in the parking lot of Target in Huntsville, Alabama. It was not a used rubber (which would make it an official scum bag), but just an unpackaged and unfurled lubricated windsock.
Perplexed by this happenstance, she consulted with the most qualified behavioral experts she knew: The Guys. After ruling out gang activity, satanic worship and swim team hazing, we determined it to be a, well, crime we guess of ignorance.
You see, Alabama is a red state. Even the clay here is red (and goopy). While the stores obviously sell condoms, teenagers aren’t taught how to use them, so the items are a bit of a mystery to them. (”Why are those balloons behind the counter?”)
With this in mind, we are taking a little time out of our busy “gettin’ busy” schedules to teach them, and anyone else living in 1958, how to use a condom. Read more
Written by Rick SneeHow To: Care less
Posted on July 24, 2008
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No matter where you go for meaningful conversation, you will always encounter some nihilist who “could care less.” But what do they mean by that? Could they care less about the topic? Could they care less about you? More importantly, why could they care less and why don’t they?
Our guess is that they want to care less, but don’t know how to politely do so. It’s a common problem in our society where people prefer email to phone calls, home school to evolution and porn to wife-swapping.
But it doesn’t have to be! With this guide, we will dispense with the “couldas” and teach you how to care less. Read more
Written by Rick SneeHow To: Retire from professional sports
Posted on July 17, 2008
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Some sports stars are not really sure on when they should call it quits. Some retire and come back, while others do it so gracefully no one even knows they left the game (at least that’s what they tell themselves, it’s really that no one cares if they leave).
A recently study we imagined shows that nearly 85 percent of literate athletes (34 total in the U.S.) read SG. With that in mind, The Guys bring you how to retire from professional sports. Read more
Written by Bryan McBournieHow To: Develop a conspiracy theory
Posted on July 10, 2008
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Did you know that there was/maybe still is a fully-functional Michael Jordan robot? Of course you didn’t, because The Man® doesn’t want you to know The TruthTM!
(Don’t believe them when They say you can’t handle it.)
We can all enjoy a good conspiracy theory like the one I just mentioned, but how do you create and hone your own? And what do you do about all those naysayers and CIA agents that try to discredit you?
To answer these questions and more, keep reading to find out how to develop a conspiracy theory. Read more
Written by Rick SneeHow To: Survive a recession
Posted on July 3, 2008
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Economic wonks will tell you that a recession is two consecutive quarters of economic downturn, which technically, we haven’t had (at least until the reports are in in a few weeks). But we all know times are hard, and that is something we do not need to wait for. You are tired of paying so much for gas, you are tired of being jerked around by bill collectors and you are tired because you did not sleep very well after you got home from your third job.
Because of this, and our ongoing coverage telling you how to escape economic hardship, The Guys present how to survive a recession. Read more
Written by Bryan McBournieHow To: Mourn a celebrity
Posted on June 26, 2008
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Jesus, the Internet’s like a bad zombie movie these days. Just a couple of weeks ago, you were lucky if you caught “It’s Bad for Ya” on HBO, which was played as filler between John Adams marathons and Recount. But now that George Carlin’s dead, you can’t escape the c**ksucker.
(And the week before, it was Tim Russert. You know, the guy from the political news that wasn’t Chris Matthews.)
The Guys are running around the Internet, trying to find quality news for you readers, and there’s George, walking around in another eulogy. No matter how fast we run, he’s still there, right behind us.
But he doesn’t moan for “braaaaaaaains” or even “pussyyyyyyyy farrrrrrrts.” No, he sounds like Jerry Seinfeld, Stephen Colbert or some blogger. There’s George, but that isn’t George anymore.
So how do dead celebrities get around so much? Because everyone’s gotta take their turn to mourn and do it right, or their fans will jump out of the woodworks to call you “insensitive.” It’s this rabid attention to post-mortem detail that prompted us to write how to mourn a celebrity. Read more
Written by Rick SneeHow To: Survive rising gas prices
Posted on June 19, 2008
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Unless you have been living under a rather large stone as of late (if you have, how are you reading this, much less keeping the stone’s crushing weight off of you?) you know all too well the toll filling up your gas tank can have on your wallet. While following our advice on how to manage your money is undoubtedly saving you thousands per year, it still hurts to gas up. That’s why The Guys are here to tell you how to survive rising gas prices. Read more