How To: Turn your kid in a blow gun

Longtime readers, no time commenters may recall that Guys Bryan McBournie and Rick Snee used to alternate a weekly feature called “How To.” Although we’ve since fallen off the controlling-your-life wagon, every so often we’ll run across a life skill we didn’t even know that you need.

Moms, are you prepared to administer … The Mother’s Kiss?”

Used when (not if) Junior lodges something up his nose, the now pediatrician-approved “Mother’s Kiss” is the best way to remove that object without a panicked ER visit. (Note: Never use tweezers or pliers to pull a foreign object out of your child’s nose. You might need those to pluck your eyebrows later.)

Simply plug the Cheerio-free nostril, and then seal your mouth over your husband’s child’s open mouth. Next, blow. Executed properly, the tiny race car should shoot out of either the nostril or the ears.

How To: Kick Being a Fast Food Junkie

Here in the U.S. of A, at times, we citizens feel pressure to eat nothing but junk food. Deep-fried, massive caloric, heavy in transfats, it doesn’t matter: all of those descriptions taste delicious. Oh sure, we’ll blow out our colon on the terlet, but think of the savings we get in our budget!

Well, maybe we need to think otherwise. I mean, we’re all dying sooner and sooner. There’s a heavy risk of heart disease and other related conditions from both sides of my family. But it’s not easy! I mean, everyone’s tried the diets, whether fad or basic, but they just don’t work. So it’s time to look across the pond and see what the English might have to offer. Peter Andrews, a building worker, has found an exemplary way to cut out the pounds. As follows:

  1. Get blindly drunk.
  2. Attempt to get late night McDonald’s after closing. Be refused service.
  3. Go back home and get behind the wheel of your car.
  4. Ask for service one more time. Be refused once again.
  5. Drive the back end of your car into the entrance of the building repeatedly.
  6. Get arrested for your crime. At your sentencing, be banned from all McDonald’s in the country.

See? Simple and effective!

Take it from Snee: How to avoid terrorism

So, I was off last week. What you may not realize is that I was off from my mild-mannered job, too. (By day, I am not the debonair man of Internet taste and karate that you admire.)

When I returned–with their blessing–to work on Monday, I discovered two reference materials in my inbox:

  1. The latest guide to surviving hurricanes from the NOAA.
  2. This year’s Joint Chiefs of Staff Anti-terrorism Guidebook.

This week’s column is not about hurricane safety. As someone who lives close to the Tennessee border and an entire state away from the Atlantic, hurricanes are no joke to this funny guy. If a hurricane ever made landfall and didn’t downgrade to a tropical storm this far inland, then it is time to enjoy my last orgy on Earth.

No, it’s about terrorism and–if you don’t like it–how to avoid it. Continue reading Take it from Snee: How to avoid terrorism

How To: Attend a movie premier

Chugs is on leave this week for a death in his family. MasterChugs Theater will return when he’s ready to come back.

The Watchmen premieres in select theaters at midnight, Friday.

Drink that in for a second. SeriouslyGuys, a Web site that, for the past three years, has only been interested in lining our own pockets and furthering our own agenda just gave notice of someone else’s work … in a non-plagiaristic sense.

This is the most anticipated movie premier since Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, and we all know how well that turned out. Still, while the movie owes us $9 apiece, the premier was a spectacle: a last throwback to whatever opera fans used to do when Mozart was still alive and farting Salieri tunes.

This film, really, is just a reason to get together with like-minded folks. The lynch mob clamoring for the director’s blood afterwards is merely a coincidence.

In any case, it’s important to be prepared for what may be the defining moment of your life (and let’s face it: this might be). That’s why The Guys — except McBournie, who frowns on your shenanigans — are teaching you how to attend a movie premier. Continue reading How To: Attend a movie premier

Update: how to fake your own death

See if you can figure out where Marcus Schrenker’s false demise went wrong.

Step 1: Take off in a small plane and head to Florida. (Good.)

Step 2: Make a distress call and parachute out of the plane, letting it drift and eventually crash into a Northern Florida swamp. (Great … )

Step 3: Wearing flight goggles, talk to a police officer, saying you were in “a canoe accident.” (What?)

Step 4: Get a ride from that officer to a local hotel. Check into it using a fake name. (OK, that’s … an improvement from Step 3.)

Step 5: Pay for the room in cash, disguise yourself in a black toboggan cap and run for the woods. (Sounds dangerous … )

Step 6: Become the subject of a manhunt because military aircraft tracked your plane before it crashed and noticed you left the door open mid-flight and the cockpit was empty. (D’oh!)

If Marcus didn’t read our How To on faking your own death, he’ll probably wish he had. What did we say in step 3? Always burn a substitute body.

How to: Answer the phone

Over the past ten years, human beings have changed the way we socialize with each other, mostly because of technological advances like caller ID, social Web sites and cell phones. At this point, it is rare when we are contacted by a complete, unidentified stranger.

So, what do you do when an unknown phone number pops up on your cell phone? You could screen the call, but where’s the adventure in that? Back in the old days, it could have been a radio contest or even an old fashioned ploy for your credit card number.

Still, when was the last time you were even in a robbery attempt? See? That’s damn exciting!

As a service to your boring Friends-list (notice how it sounds like friendless?) only life, The Guys are bursting your bubble and teaching you how to answer the phone. Continue reading How to: Answer the phone

How To: Become tabloid fodder

You’re famous. People recognize you most places you go. Yet, not everyone knows who you are (Jeremy Piven). You want to be the lead story of any place you go, get free drinks regardless of time of day, and you want to flex some serious muscle in L.A.

Your publicist can only do so much. It’s up to you to take it the rest of the way. If you try, really try, you too can be one of those celebrities that grace the tabloids week after week. How? Listen to The Guys, are going to show you how to become tabloid fodder. Continue reading How To: Become tabloid fodder

How To: Be a leader

Times are tough.

Sure, times have been tough in the past, but that was character-building tough, bear-wrestling tough. Things right now, well, they’re more like bear-raping tough.

What we need right now are leaders. Leaders with plans and assertive dominance who can guide us through what needs to be done.


Yes, you (not your mom, who’s reading over your shoulder) could be that leader. That is why The Guys are gonna share with you how to be a leader.

Continue reading How To: Be a leader

How To: Celebrate a birthday

Vice President-elect Joe Biden’s birthday is today. We are sure you are already aware of this, because it is a national holiday and all. Biden is turning a spry 66 today. That means he was born in 1942. So, the man is older than two states in out Union, and he is also a fun person to drink with.

One would think the man who would be vice president would get some sort of soiree, but sadly, it appears that has not happened. Not only did the Philadelphia Eagles not win one for him on Sunday (but then again, a tie in football is pretty special), but his future boss was kind of lame. What did President-elect Barack Obama get Captain Coattail? Some cupcakes.

Clearly, someone was not paying attention to us. That’s why The Guys bring you how to celebrate a birthday. Continue reading How To: Celebrate a birthday

How To: Joke about the new president

Comedians are worried about their trade now that George Bush’s presidency is almost over. It’s been an easy eight years, minus that brief period in late 2001-2002 when we depended on him as an illiterate father-figure.

In fact, things have been so bad for Bush and the gang that Republicans are complaining that we made too much fun of him, ruining their dreams of pop-up history books.

But enough about those oversensitive, feelings-oriented, fairness-mongering crybabies. We’ve got a real issue on our hands: how do we make fun of the guy who’s supposed to save America, especially one who’s … um, diverse?

Did any of you voters think about us? Humorists have husbands, wives and children to publicly belittle; we can’t pay for that unless we do political jokes, too. This is why The Guys held an emergency post-election meeting to determine how to joke about the new president. Continue reading How To: Joke about the new president