How To: Fit the new iPhone to your pants

You've wasted origami on fake problems when you could be retiring skinjobs, you Blade Runner, you.
You’ve wasted origami on fake problems when you could be retiring skinjobs, you Blade Runner, you.

While Apple has delivered tools to improve our work efficiency and ability to browse pornography in the bathroom, that convenience can also create problems. Fortunately, “lifehackers” are here to solve the downsides to being bored, middle class and adverse to going to a store to see how big things are before buying them.

Take, for instance, the new iPhones 6 and 6-Plus. Because they’re not in stores yet, how are we supposed to know which model will fit our pants?

You could print out paper models or test pocket the Motorola Moto X and Samsung Galaxy Note 3, as c|net helpfully suggests.

Or, you can save time by using The Guys method for sizing your next iPhone: look at your pants. Are the pockets roughly the same size as they’ve always been? Did you recently switch to wearing only breeches, or are you suddenly wearing billowy diapers under them? Can you feel how your current phone fits in there?

Then you should know if 5 inches of phone will fit inside your pants or not.

You can thank us by using your newly freed up time to find real problems to solve.

Quick Tips: Surviving 99 days of freedom from Facebook

Call women “whores” to their faces.

In response to Facebook’s emotional manipulation experiment, people are joining the 99 Days of Freedom campaign. Signers agree to abstain from Facebook and report their levels of happiness at days 33, 66 and 99.

However, Facebook has been a part of some users’ lives for over 10 years. That’s gonna be hard to give up, no matter how much happier it may make you to avoid everyone’s political bullsh*t right as we enter another campaign cycle.

So, The Guys have put together this quick list of Facebook-free survival tips:

  • Pretend that those happiness surveys will tell you which Harry Potter character you secretly are or which city you should live in.
  • Satisfy urges to over share by posting breast-feeding selfies on community center bulletin boards.
  • Perform some actual goddamn charity, like at a place with your hands where people actually need it.
  • Visit your local high school to spread lifehacks like how you can’t get pregnant dog-style or that pennies minted before 1970 can jump start a car.
  • View pornography.

How To: Turn your kid in a blow gun

Longtime readers, no time commenters may recall that Guys Bryan McBournie and Rick Snee used to alternate a weekly feature called “How To.” Although we’ve since fallen off the controlling-your-life wagon, every so often we’ll run across a life skill we didn’t even know that you need.

Moms, are you prepared to administer … The Mother’s Kiss?”

Used when (not if) Junior lodges something up his nose, the now pediatrician-approved “Mother’s Kiss” is the best way to remove that object without a panicked ER visit. (Note: Never use tweezers or pliers to pull a foreign object out of your child’s nose. You might need those to pluck your eyebrows later.)

Simply plug the Cheerio-free nostril, and then seal your mouth over your husband’s child’s open mouth. Next, blow. Executed properly, the tiny race car should shoot out of either the nostril or the ears.

How To: Kick Being a Fast Food Junkie

Here in the U.S. of A, at times, we citizens feel pressure to eat nothing but junk food. Deep-fried, massive caloric, heavy in transfats, it doesn’t matter: all of those descriptions taste delicious. Oh sure, we’ll blow out our colon on the terlet, but think of the savings we get in our budget!

Well, maybe we need to think otherwise. I mean, we’re all dying sooner and sooner. There’s a heavy risk of heart disease and other related conditions from both sides of my family. But it’s not easy! I mean, everyone’s tried the diets, whether fad or basic, but they just don’t work. So it’s time to look across the pond and see what the English might have to offer. Peter Andrews, a building worker, has found an exemplary way to cut out the pounds. As follows:

  1. Get blindly drunk.
  2. Attempt to get late night McDonald’s after closing. Be refused service.
  3. Go back home and get behind the wheel of your car.
  4. Ask for service one more time. Be refused once again.
  5. Drive the back end of your car into the entrance of the building repeatedly.
  6. Get arrested for your crime. At your sentencing, be banned from all McDonald’s in the country.

See? Simple and effective!

Take it from Snee: How to avoid terrorism

So, I was off last week. What you may not realize is that I was off from my mild-mannered job, too. (By day, I am not the debonair man of Internet taste and karate that you admire.)

When I returned–with their blessing–to work on Monday, I discovered two reference materials in my inbox:

  1. The latest guide to surviving hurricanes from the NOAA.
  2. This year’s Joint Chiefs of Staff Anti-terrorism Guidebook.

This week’s column is not about hurricane safety. As someone who lives close to the Tennessee border and an entire state away from the Atlantic, hurricanes are no joke to this funny guy. If a hurricane ever made landfall and didn’t downgrade to a tropical storm this far inland, then it is time to enjoy my last orgy on Earth.

No, it’s about terrorism and–if you don’t like it–how to avoid it. Continue reading Take it from Snee: How to avoid terrorism

How To: Attend a movie premier

Chugs is on leave this week for a death in his family. MasterChugs Theater will return when he’s ready to come back.

The Watchmen premieres in select theaters at midnight, Friday.

Drink that in for a second. SeriouslyGuys, a Web site that, for the past three years, has only been interested in lining our own pockets and furthering our own agenda just gave notice of someone else’s work … in a non-plagiaristic sense.

This is the most anticipated movie premier since Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, and we all know how well that turned out. Still, while the movie owes us $9 apiece, the premier was a spectacle: a last throwback to whatever opera fans used to do when Mozart was still alive and farting Salieri tunes.

This film, really, is just a reason to get together with like-minded folks. The lynch mob clamoring for the director’s blood afterwards is merely a coincidence.

In any case, it’s important to be prepared for what may be the defining moment of your life (and let’s face it: this might be). That’s why The Guys — except McBournie, who frowns on your shenanigans — are teaching you how to attend a movie premier. Continue reading How To: Attend a movie premier

Update: how to fake your own death

See if you can figure out where Marcus Schrenker’s false demise went wrong.

Step 1: Take off in a small plane and head to Florida. (Good.)

Step 2: Make a distress call and parachute out of the plane, letting it drift and eventually crash into a Northern Florida swamp. (Great … )

Step 3: Wearing flight goggles, talk to a police officer, saying you were in “a canoe accident.” (What?)

Step 4: Get a ride from that officer to a local hotel. Check into it using a fake name. (OK, that’s … an improvement from Step 3.)

Step 5: Pay for the room in cash, disguise yourself in a black toboggan cap and run for the woods. (Sounds dangerous … )

Step 6: Become the subject of a manhunt because military aircraft tracked your plane before it crashed and noticed you left the door open mid-flight and the cockpit was empty. (D’oh!)

If Marcus didn’t read our How To on faking your own death, he’ll probably wish he had. What did we say in step 3? Always burn a substitute body.

How to: Answer the phone

Over the past ten years, human beings have changed the way we socialize with each other, mostly because of technological advances like caller ID, social Web sites and cell phones. At this point, it is rare when we are contacted by a complete, unidentified stranger.

So, what do you do when an unknown phone number pops up on your cell phone? You could screen the call, but where’s the adventure in that? Back in the old days, it could have been a radio contest or even an old fashioned ploy for your credit card number.

Still, when was the last time you were even in a robbery attempt? See? That’s damn exciting!

As a service to your boring Friends-list (notice how it sounds like friendless?) only life, The Guys are bursting your bubble and teaching you how to answer the phone. Continue reading How to: Answer the phone

How To: Become tabloid fodder

You’re famous. People recognize you most places you go. Yet, not everyone knows who you are (Jeremy Piven). You want to be the lead story of any place you go, get free drinks regardless of time of day, and you want to flex some serious muscle in L.A.

Your publicist can only do so much. It’s up to you to take it the rest of the way. If you try, really try, you too can be one of those celebrities that grace the tabloids week after week. How? Listen to The Guys, are going to show you how to become tabloid fodder. Continue reading How To: Become tabloid fodder

How To: Be a leader

Times are tough.

Sure, times have been tough in the past, but that was character-building tough, bear-wrestling tough. Things right now, well, they’re more like bear-raping tough.

What we need right now are leaders. Leaders with plans and assertive dominance who can guide us through what needs to be done.


Yes, you (not your mom, who’s reading over your shoulder) could be that leader. That is why The Guys are gonna share with you how to be a leader.

Continue reading How To: Be a leader