Tag: chimp

Ooook oook ooook kill kill kill

Japan would like you to know that humanity is doomed and they’ve had a hand in said dooming.

Again.

A man in Japan has been teaching Pan-kun, a particularly intelligent chimpanzee, to use water weapons on human beings. The chimp learns quite quickly once the desired technique is demonstrated, ably aping the trainer’s actions, using a hydraulic pump gun as well as a more Super Soaker-like weapon on the unsuspecting cameraman, then targeting a group of effigies, including one of show presenter Ken Shimura.

Pan-kun is actually a celebrity of sorts. Among other things he has learned to play baseball as well as make, then eat noodles. What all this adds up to is some great news for those who fear takeover by intelligent robots. Instead, we will be conquered by the intelligent animals and human subspecies, invented by the over-consumption of genetically modified food.

Our only hope? Blowing up the Statue of Liberty.

(Not really, FBI and CIA)

So I said, ‘You can keep the gun, but lose the monkey!’

Nationally-syndicated columnist Roland S. Martin is upset A good portion of America can’t say enough about an editorial cartoon in The New York Post. Many believe that it refers to President Barack Obama as a chimp.

The cartoonist, Sean Delonas, and the Post disagree with accusations of racism. They believe it’s a tongue-in-cheek reference to yesterday’s news story about police shooting a chimpanzee (hilarious, by the way, because they die just like people) … and the economic stimulus package.

…

Yeah, here is The Guys’ take on this situation and any others in the future:

Two out of three Elaine Beneses agree.

Rogue nation: Spain

From our sister blog HombresSeriamentes.com: The Spanish government is clearly out of its head these days. The Spanish Parliament is pondering a resolution that would give apes and gorillas basic legal rights. The resolution is expected to pass next year.

Yes, the rogue nation of Spain might be seeking to give our enemies the right to life, freedom from “arbitrary captivity” and freedom from torture. How are we going to get any information about of them if we can’t torture and imprison them? Not to mention, since when do we afford our enemies the same rights that we give ourselves? The Geneva Convention does not apply to non-humans.

Where is Francisco Franco when you need him?

The story also mentions that species traitor Matthew Hiasl Pan, a chimp from Austria, whom we have covered before that thinks it is human. The chimp’s lawyers have appealed to the European Court of Human Rights. Should the beast win the appeal, it would mean all of Europe would have to recognize basic human chimp rights. Next they would want to vote.

Can you read this, Ayumu?

No need to get uppity just yet, chump.Once again, godless scientists are actively attempting to undermine our efforts to win hearts and minds in the War on Animals.

Kyoto University cognitive scientist Tetsuro Matsuzawa is conducting experiments to test chimpanzee memory versus that of humans. Matsuzawa has announced that Ayumu can remember number sequences and positions better than human experimenters.

Not so fast, Mr. Matsu-coward. Just because Ayumu is better at the match game than humans does not mean that we will be defeated in our glorious cause. These genes don’t run.