Tag: corpse

Does this dead guy know how to party or what?!

Of all the things you can do with a corpse, the “Weekend at Bernie’s” runs a close second to … well, ask your parents. And when Robert Young and Mark Rubinson found their buddy Jeffery Jarrett dead in his home, they (allegedly) knew that Jeff had just delivered them a godsend.

According to police, the two picked Jarrett up off of whatever he died on (please say it was the toilet, please please please) and loaded him into an SUV. They then used Jarrett’s money to pay for drinks and food at two locations, dropped him back off at home — because he’d obviously had enough — and then went back out to a strip club.

At this point, once they had ditched the body, you could argue that they were just taking advantage of their friend’s death to profit. But, explain this: when they got to the strip club, they withdrew $400 from the ATM with his debit card.

You may think you’re tight with your friends, but are you close enough to create a death pact with them, including the PIN to your bank account?

Then what’s legal corpse abandonment?

“She died in late September. She wasn’t well before that and I asked her if she wanted to go to hospital but she said she didn’t need to go.”

That’s what a Fukuoka City man told police as they arrested him for illegal corpse abandonment. Police found Tatsuya Hirade’s wife laying in bed, dead, where she laid untouched for about a month. Ewwwwww. No cause of death is known.

And that was that. A lady died, and Hirade went about his business, leaving her there. No police or ambulance was called when she died. There may be ties to domestic violence, though nothing has been determined yet.

Who leaves a dead body in their house for that long? Well, I might be able to come up with a few instances, but I wouldn’t really recommend them.

Another reason to keep your corpse at home

From this month's issue of Home Decorpse! AH-HAHAHAhahaha ...Another cemetery scandal has been unearthed (ha!), this time near Chicago, Illinois. Police are accusing some unnamed workers of digging up over 300 bodies in graves nobody visited, dumping the remains and reselling the plots for personal profit.

It’s ghoulish, but what’s the point? Sure, there’s the aspect where the business end was cheating the owners out of their coinage, but did it matter where these dead people were forgotten? Family members weren’t reporting the disappearances, history didn’t care about them … who cares if they become bean-bag chair filler?

(In fact, what may be the few undisturbed graves were those of African-American civil rights pioneers: people who won’t be forgotten for some time.)

So, let’s save the outrage, and maybe reevaluate our country’s obsession with immortalization after death. It’s–clearly–not immortal, and you ain’t no pharaoh. Or, if you’re really worried, keep your dead at home.

Update: Georgia to plagiarize killer professor’s grave

As we reported earlier this week, police found the corpse of George Zinkhan in a grave he dug and covered with brush before shooting himself.

While most believe it was suicide after killing his wife and two of her theater associates, there’s also the less popular (or, our) theory that he was making his own tiger trap.

Now state and local officials have almost reached an impass about what to do with his body. Zinkhan’s family hasn’t claimed his body despite repeated calls, and after a certain point, even the morgue decides a body stinks too much.

So, unless somebody steps forward, he’ll be reburied in a “pauper’s grave,” begging the question: and they dug him up why?

Funeral home has no legs to stand on

Did you know that you’re going to die?

Yes, we mean you, right there, reading this post on SeriouslyGuys. And your boss who’s reading over your shoulder right now, too.

Just kidding! No, not about dying. That’s still going to happen, maybe 20 years from now, maybe during your next bathroom break.

The important part is that you need to make sure that you’re buried 100 percent intact. The last thing you need is for your vacated body to rot unevenly once you’re hoisted into the ground while wearing a backless suit and short pants. Dignity, people.

Why do we bring this up? Cave Funeral Services, an Allendale, South Carolina funeral home, is under investigation for possibly severing a corpse’s legs so it would fit into the coffin. Of course, the reports imply that a man’s legs were severed, but let’s just agree that — no matter what you believe — he wasn’t exactly “home” anymore.

The body of the ex-6-foot, five-inch-James Hines has been exhumed from its 2004 grave for investigation by the coroner based on the allegations of a former employee of the parlor.  While the coroner, Hayzen Black, has found “undesirable evidence,” but would not elaborate on whether the ghost of James Hines is in a wheelchair.