A heartless take on a heartwarming tale

A Minnesota man has set a new bar for good Samaritans after it took 96 minutes of CPR to restart his heart. Normally, paramedics and doctors will move on after 15 minutes, tops, when brain damage sets in. But, now it looks like everyone in the waiting room will have to peruse further back issues of Highlights for nearly another hour and a half.

It took 20 people to sustain CPR on the victim, Howard Snitzer — pulling, prodding and pounding on his chest to bring him back from the Great Sizzler Buffet in the Sky. And, while he may be alive and thankful, he now has two types of herpes, a chest cold and a staph infection from the ministrations of 40 strange hands and lips on his body.

Additionally, Snitzer contracted athlete’s foot from one stander-by who does not know what CPR is.

BeeGees make heart attacks more bearable

"Stayin' Alive," 1983. Directed by Sylvester Stallone. This is what Hell looks like.When Christopher Bader had a heart attack in the woods one morning, he thanked whatever god he worships that his wife was there.

Until she started singing the f&$king BeeGees.

Debra used the song “Stayin’ Alive” to time the chest compressions she adminstered to her husband. She picked up this nasty idea from an American Heart Association PSA.

Amazingly, despite the title song from the sequel to Saturday Night Fever, he pulled through long enough for paramedics to arrive and administer the defibrillator. But is it really worth living once that song gets in your head?

(Now you can tell us, suckers.)

Disco might be dead, but you won’t be

The good doctor is out for the week, so we can’t give you professional medical advice. Luckily, we don’t need a doctor to tell us this is a crock: a recent study found that the Bee Gees’ hit “Stayin’ Alive” has an ideal beat for giving CPR.

Make whatever jokes you want about the song title actually meaning something deeper than not getting capped while walking through New York City dressed like polyester fire sale. We’ll wait.

Done? OK. Yes, the 1977 hit, which may or may not have been a contributing factor to my parents dating, might be able to save lives. You know what we say? That’s crap. The only thing that song is good for is one of the best scenes in Airplane! Encouraging first responders to think of this song when they give CPR is dangerous. Do you really want your ambulance driver humming the tune when he or she is taking you to the hospital?

Worse yet, what happens if a disco ball drops down from somewhere? Does everyone have to start dancing?

Summer camps get more and more nerdy

Think computer camp is geeky?  How about debate camp?

According to the McCain campaign, that’s where Sarah Palin is headed.

Debate Camp is nestled in one of presumably several rustic McCain homes in Arizona by a creek on what was once a Cocopa American Indian village. In fact, Debate Camp was called Cocopa Arguing Camp until they were sued by surviving tribes people in 1989.

Once she unpacks and meets her cabin mates, Gov. Palin will practice the arts of:

  • McCain’s talking points
  • Basket weaving
  • Republican ticket CPR
  • Baby naming
  • Ballroom dancing

As she left the bus station, Palin’s parents were somewhat weepy, but hoped the experience would be as character-building as their own sleepaway camping trips in their youth.

“She’ll probably be having so much fun that she’ll forget to write us,” Ma Heath said, wiping at her bloodshot eyes.

Pa Heath placed his large bear-like arm around her shoulder and led her away to the family sedan parked nearby.