Tag: death

Welcome to the most deathiest place on Earth

What’s the latest trend in the world? Death. In the past few months, we’ve seen more celebrities and quasi-celebrities bite the bullet than we ever knew existed. So, with our country’s ridiculous obsession over fame, it’s time for more people to give up the ghost, and what better place than at Disney’s Hollywood Studios, “The Happiest Place on URK!”

Recently, a Disney employee died while doing a tumble roll during the Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular, making it the third death in under two months. Earlier in August, an employee was hurt during a pirate show and died, and in July, a monorail driver was killed in a collision. Spoooooooky.

On my list of ways in which I’d be alright with dying, “doing a somersault on the ground” is somewhere near the bottom, right above being eaten by the rock monkeys of Gibraltar and dying by LARP-er gang assault.

Coolest old guy ever finally dies

Frankly, it seems as if death is someone we’re really going to have to get used to. It’s always rough to see someone who’s lived through three centuries pass away, mainly because you know that they’re probably even more mad that we still haven’t given a jet pack to the general populace, despite we living in the future, even more so than me.

And  trust me, I’m a man that wants his jet pack.

Sadly, one such individual passed away: Henry Allingham. Nonetheless, he at least made sure to impart his wonderful message on how to live forever:

“cigarettes, whisky and wild, wild women.”

You Missed It: Comes in threes edition

Listen folks, I’ll be honest with you. I just want to get the hell out of here. See, I’ve got a bender coming up and we all know some things just take priority over the trivial things, like work, in this crazy thing we call life. This may help you the pass time, I’m doing my best to figure out other forms of time travel. If you were busy starring in a loud movie with good and bad alien robots this week, odds are you missed it.

The King of Pop is dead, long live the King of Pop
Did you hear? Acquitted child molester and singer Michael Jackson died yesterday of what could be a heart attack. The Internet almost crashed right along with him, as many news sites reported service outages. Jackson’s death marked the third celebrity death this week. Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon preceded him. McMahon got a pretty good showing of attention, but Fawcett, famous for have blonde hair and nipples, got the shaft since she died a few hours before Jackson. Also, Walter Cronkite’s children are stubbornly insisting their father still lives.

Marriage is an important issue to GOP, fidelity not so much
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford went AWOL this week following what was a rough session of the state legislature or something. In a Waldo-esque adventure, Sanford ditched his security detail, no one on his staff or even his wife knew where he was for days. It was then reported he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail (during naked hiking day no less). Then he turned up at a Georgia airport, returning from Argentina, where his mistress lives. Great, now we’re even exporting jobs in our nation’s sport f&%#ing industry?

United States: Leader in foot-croquet
In international news, soccer, which I am told is a sport, has been the focus of the world with the FIFA Confederations Cup tournament. In nothing short of a miracle, the U.S. team has advanced after upsetting Egypt and Spain, they now go on to face Brazil in the final round. What’s the reason behind the Americans’ success thus far? Extensive experience in winning engagements with Confederates.

Missing white girl’s lung tissue newest disease to hit Thailand

1 + 2 + 3 +4 = solution

1. Jill St. Onge went to Thailand.

2. Jill St. Onge died while on vacation in Thailand.

3. Jill St. Onge died of lung congestion.

4. Some of Jill St. Onge’s lung tissue is now completely and totally gone.

Solution: Jill St. Onge has the Andromeda Strain and Thailand is totally crazy.

Take it from Snee: Let’s talk about death, baby

Between posts about drunken superheroes and Star Trek, I’ve allowed “Take it from Snee” to devolve into a frivolous, silly column. This is not good and must be remedied.

After all, it’s featured on a Web site called SeriouslyGuys — not Whimsically nor Fancy-Freeily, but Seriously. That is why I’ve decided to look at a very serious topic that deserves a straightforward, intellectual examination: what happens when we die.

It’s an important topic because, unless you’re one of the many bots trying to spam this site with porn, you are going to die. Worse yet, everyone who has died has refused to come back …. Well, there was this one guy, but we’re still arguing about what he saw.

So, I know you’re afraid of dying and the unknown, and that’s why you can take it from Snee that this is exactly what happens when you die. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Let’s talk about death, baby

Warrior(s) of the Week challenger: Franck’s Pharmacy

Earlier this week, we told you about how a bunch of horses from Venezuela “mysteriously died” just hours before a polo race. Well, it would now seem that the actual culprit was Franck’s Pharmacy, which “incorrectly” gave the wrong doseage amount. We can learn two things from this situation:

1. SeriouslyGuys is not guilty of any crime, no matter how valiant the activity was.
2. Putting words in quotations marks is awesome.

It’s a golden age for the Elmer’s industry

Listen. Do you hear it? That wonderful sound whistling through the air? It’s the blessed sound of silence. But no, no lambs were involved. For today, we instead heard …

… The Silence of the Horses.

Which SeriouslyGuys would just like you to know that we had no involvement in whatsoever. You couldn’t prove it anyway.

Over twenty polo horses suddenly lost the will to live mere hours before they were set to race in Sunday’s polo match in Wellington, Florida. Coincidentally enough, the horses all came from a Venezuelan based team. We don’t know what you put in the water down there, Venezuela, but keep it up!

Mister Ed was asked to respond, but declined to comment. Sources say it may be due to a lack of readily available peanut butter.

Hell hath no fury like an online wife scorned

No one likes to be lonely. Even the worst misanthropes want to have someone. It’s understandable, though not entirely possible all of the time. That’s why there’s the Internet!

Yes, the Internet has given way to such wonderful communication devices, like MMORPG’s. From electronic social interaction, to casting yourself into a “Mary Sue” type character, there’s not much that these things can do. Why, even “online marriage” is possible! Of course, with that comes the concept of “online divorce”, also known as the e-Dear John. Sadly, not everyone can separate the MMORPG from the real world-and that’s where Japan comes into play.

A woman went on a rampage in the free MMORPG Maple Story after her virtual husband “online divorced” her. The results of her rampage? The horrible death of her former online husband’s character via L33T skillz and MAD HAXX … oh, and the possibility of five years in jail. Somehow, given personal information still counts as something akin to ID theft?

Sweet mother of crap, we absolutely love you Japan. Whether it’s using monkeys as waiters, to demonstrating the latest fashion via adult diapers, or even murdering real dolls, you’re always there to prove to us that there’s someone more socially inept than us.

The McBournie Minute: Passing of a legend

By now, many of you have probably heard the sad news this morning that George Carlin died yesterday. I know you are thinking I should not care about celebrity deaths, but it would be a major faux pas on this blog’s part if there was not some mention or tribute paid to Carlin, though he himself would probably tell you he doesn’t deserve it–not because he was modest, but because he is made from the same diseased, festering piles of humanity that the rest of us are. Even so, when the someone like Carlin passes away, the comedic world is shaken to its core.

I remember when I saw him perform in Burlington, Vermont several years ago. Not being a big town, Carlin used the performance, as many comedians do, to try out new material and figure out what works. I was amazed at how this man, then in his late 60s, was so full of energy, almost to the point of hyperactivity. Here was a man I had grown to admire as I was exposed more and more to him in my high school days. My parents, who were sitting right next to me, had grown up listening to his edgy comedy. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Passing of a legend