The birds, bees, people that eat them

A new study from Ohio State University reveals that men gain weight after a divorce, while women gain weight after having accomplished all of their life goals except ruining yours.

Researchers were unable to pinpoint the root causes for the higher chance of weight gain in these two groups, but they attributed it to married women having “less time to exercise and stay fit than similar unmarried women.”

If we may, we can fill science in on what happens to divorced men: beer for breakfast and Hot Pockets. Also, lackluster masturbation. (Lacklusturbation?)

Leroy Jenkins is more important than your marriage

Social sites and massively multiplayer online games aren’t just a great place to catch up with friends and be entertained, they’re also a great place to dig up dirt on a soon-to-be ex. Which, let’s face it, is one of the lamer reasons for why you’re being divorced.

The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers says 81 percent of its members have used or faced evidence from Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and other social networking sites, including YouTube and LinkedIn, over the last five years.

Evidence like:

Father seeks custody of the kids, claiming (among other things) that his ex-wife never attends the events of their young ones. Subpoenaed evidence from the gaming site World of Warcraft tracks her there with her boyfriend at the precise time she was supposed to be out with the children. Mom loves Facebook’s Farmville, too, at all the wrong times.

So the next time you’re clanning for a new scepter of intelligence +25 in World of Warcraft, or logging 10 hours in Farmville, you might want to remember that someone could be watching … and taking a few notes.

Al Gore’s love of metal wins out

Al and Tipper Gore are calling it quits, surprising everyone only two weeks after their fortieth anniversary. While some can’t believe it happened so late in their marriage, most are amazed that they divorced before the Clintons.

In any case, the world has gained a single Al Gore, and–although we rarely get involved–we just can’t help but root the guy on.

So, if you’re single, too, and your sex life could use a human robot, have you considered Al Gore? Here’s what Al brings to the boudoir:

  • Handmade anniversary gift certificates for back rubs and carbon emissions.
  • Flights on his personal jet to any environmentally-endangered corner of the globe.
  • The dirtiest cybersex in the kinkiest chat room on the Internet that he invented.
  • Willingness to call “recounts” until sex ends in his favor.
  • Slideshows.
  • Leonardo DiCaprio.

You Missed It: Five hundred thousand penny edition

Guess who’s baaaaack? That’s right, Bryan McBournie is off on vacation, which means you’re stuck with me for this week’s edition of YMI. He’s off in glorious Florida at the moment. I’m not. Now, I’m not saying that you should hunt him down and ruin his vacation, but if you do see him, it wouldn’t exactly be a crime against nature to tell him that the Pats suck. If you were busy implementing a silly social media function all over the internet, odds are you missed it.

The Bay area just can’t handle their alcohol

Nothing says internet sensation like the newest Apple product, and boy, was the internet abuzz this week. A programmer at Apple managed to lose the prototype to the newest iPhone model at a bar. Said prototype was then found by a random patron and subsequently sold to tech website Gizmodo, who, after some time, had to send the prototype to Apple. Easy come, easy go, right? Tell that to the rumored six million hits that Gizmodo experienced on just Tuesday alone.

It’s not real if it’s not true

Even though the 2010 schedules just came out, it’s a bit too early for Bryan Schools to do his predictions. Nonetheless, you might not want to put all your eggs in the Saints’ basket: quarterback Drew Brees has been selected to be the cover athlete for Madden 11 and possible occupant of the Madden Curse. Brees claims that a curse can’t happen if he doesn’t let it, while other possible candidates for the game cover, Jared Allen and Reggie Wayne, simply breathed humongous sighs of relief.

This is the stuff that boggles my mind

Larry King and current wife Shawn Southwick were set to get experience the trials of a divorce (it’s about that time of the year for him) but have appeared to call it off. The reason for it to happen? It wasn’t rumors that she was boinking a youth baseball coach (as those were confirmed by the coach), but by the rumors that King was boinking Southwick’s sister. HUH? HE’S 76 YEARS OLD AND AT DEATH’S DOOR WITH EVERY SECOND THAT PASSES! HOW, NAY, WHY WOULD WOMEN BE ATTRACTED TO HIM AT ALL?

How will we believe in love now?!

SeriouslyGuys is known for often broadcasting viewpoints that take pleasure in the misfortune of others. But, we’re not monsters all the time. We believe in a thing called love (just listen to the rhythm of your heart).

But, that belief? Frankly, it’s a little shaken today.

Karl Rove destroys marriage

Karl Rove–who once questioned why we would “throw out 5,000 years of understanding the institution of marriage”– threw out his understanding of the 5,000 institution of marriage to his second wife. If Karl can’t make marriage work, what chance do the rest of us heteros have?

Won’t they stay together for the kids that obsess over them?

And, in news that dismayed all The Guys (but mostly Bryan Schools), Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are no longer dating. This is the most biggest news to impact our Taylor-driven love lives since our office Jonathan Taylor Thomas poster was declared child pornography.

Big is beautiful and single

That’s right: if you’re a woman who happens to be a chubby-chaser, then you’ve got the chance to land yourself a jackpot of a man here. The sumo grand champion Asashoryu announced that he’s getting a divorce from his wife of five years. The two have had troubles for years, as she apparently wasn’t even publicly seen in his trip to Mongolia two years back, nor have they been living together. DUM DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMMM.

So, what can you do to win this man’s heart? Well, it’s been said that he’s big into fashion, so might I suggest a date to the fashion district of Japan (whatever that is)? He’ll enjoy going around and talking to the high-end designers, no doubt. It’ll suck that his handler will likely follow you on the date, as an overprotective parent would, but they can also be a good resource on knowing the right places to go eat. Also, you might not want to make any comments about his weight. You know, just in case.

Platonic relationships between opposite sexes possible?!

In today’s staggering “Holy S–t, Who Would Have Dreamed It!” news, it appears that there are cases of men and women engaged in non-sexual friendships.

Furthermore, these platonic (from the Greek meaning “neutered”) relationships often trigger negative responses from spouses, sometimes ending in divorce.

Of course, the article points out this doesn’t happen in all cases. For instance, Erica Rabhan, “a 26-year-old public-relations professional from Atlanta,” is OK with her husband’s girlish friend, Tamar, so long as she is able to call her and check up on her.

“‘Some of my friends don’t understand, but it makes me happy that he has someone else that supports him and stands by him,’ Rabhan says. ‘Now [Tamar and I] will get on the phone and gab for hours.'”

Remember, folks, you read it here first.*

*We can’t verify that claim.

You Missed It: Aw nuts edition

One again, we find ourselves at the end of the work week. For those of you who missed us last Friday (and we know you didn’t), fear not, we have returned once more. If you were too busy watching your mortgage company go under this week, odds are you missed it.

The ‘G’ stands for ‘green’
Leaders met in Japan this week for the Group of Eight summit in order to talk about important things that only the really, really important nations care about. One of the biggest decisions to come out of the summit was the agreement to cut greenhouse gas emissions in half by 2050. After the leaders agreed, they all had a big laugh and swirled the ice cubes in their scotch.

You’re out
Yankee All-Star Alex Rodriguez’s wife filed for divorce this week. Something about how he has been caught cheating on her numerous times while she has been taking care of the kids. Happy to hear the announcement are ladies across the country and teammate Derek Jeter.

Don’t sugar coat it, Reverend
Rev. Jesse Jackson apologized this week for remarks he made about Sen. Barack Obama that were recorded accidentally into an open microphone after an interview. Jackson said, “See, Barack’s been talking down to black people … I want to cut his nuts off.” An extra Secret Service agent has been posted to guard Obama’s crotch around the clock.

High school has changed so much since I was there
A new study shows that for the first time since 1991, U.S. teen pregnancy rates are rising. No one seems to have a clear reason for the sudden increase, but point to high-profile teen pregnancies this that of Jamie Lynn Spears, 17, and the girls of Gloucester High School as possible influences. We here at SG have no idea what or who could be responsible for it.

Not Putin the stones to gymnast

Contrary to Wednesday’s report, Vladimir Putin denied secretly (apparently the former KGB agent forgot what “secret” means) divorcing his wife and marrying a 24-year-old Olympic gymnast.  This blog guesses that it’s not that good to be the king president.

In completely unrelated news, SeriouslyGuy Chris “Chugs” Taylor has vanished.  We’re certain he won’t not show up in Siberia.

Hate your boyfriend? Try Wayne Brady

As a rule, The Guys don’t typically help out newly divorced celebrities. They already have everything going for them: money, bottled water, teeth whiteners that probably taste like Crest Jr. (ours taste like Clorox) …. There’s no reason for us to get involved because they should have no problem “reentering the game.”

But we can’t help but like Wayne Brady–really, who doesn’t? He’s like a white Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle. You want him to fall in love again. And you want him to do better than Meg Ryan.

So if you’re single (or wish you were), have you considered Wayne Brady? Here’s what Wayne brings to the table:

  • Will serenade you in any musical-style, never failing to rhyme.
  • Guarantees at least one erotic manpile featuring Ryan Stiles and Greg Proops.
  • Your parents already like him. (See also: Cuba Gooding, Jr.)
  • Has “born-on” date stamped on the bottom of his right foot, so you know he’s fresh.
  • Doesn’t have to choke you … yet.