Children of divorce can blame skin, bowel issues on parents

If your parents are divorced, and you have health issues, congratulations, you can blame that on Mom and Dad, too!

According to researchers in Spain, children whose parents are divorced are more likely to have neurological, gastrointestinal or dermatological problems, or even problems with their genitals. Researchers believe that the ailments are all related to stress, which is linked to the splitting up of the parents.

Stay together for the zits.

Demonic possession is grounds for divorce in Italy

Zuuly, you nut!

Here in America, they hand out divorces like free samples companies used to give out before they had budget cuts. But it’s not nearly that easy to end your marriage in Italy. In some cases, it takes an act of Satan.

An Italian court has granted a man a divorce from his wife because she is possessed by the devil. He claimed that since 2007, the woman has been displaying unusual behavior, which include an incident where she threw a church pew wind a single hand, and eyewitness account of her levitating. A priest, a monk and even her own sister attested to the woman’s strange behavior, and if people like that will testify against you, you’ve got to be a huge bitch.

Reportedly, exorcisms haven’t worked, and doctors can’t find a medical explanation for the woman’s behavior.

This guy has been living that “There is no Dana, only Zuul” scene from Ghostbusters for 10 years — without 300 ccs of thorazine. He should be up for sainthood.

Make it to Labor Day, all is forgiven

Divorce Season is followed immediately by Drinking Out of a Paper Bag in Public Season … which is fortunately in the Spring and Fall.
Divorce Season is followed immediately by Drinking Out of a Paper Bag in Public Season … which is fortunately in the Spring and Fall.

Just when you thought that you only had to worry about the holiday season and hurricane season, it turns out there’s one more season lurking out there: divorce season.

After 14 years of research, sociologists determined that most divorces in America happen two times of the year: after the holiday season in March and after summer vacations in August. The reason? Most people in Sixth Sense relationships (they don’t know they’re dead) hold out for one last Christmas or summer trip with the family before calling it quits.

Other factors include:

  • Not wanting to be the bad guy and dump someone right around a holiday with a lot of judgmental family and in-laws.
  • Not having the money to hire an attorney until March after Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and Valentines.

What the study doesn’t figure in is if the holiday or vacation encourages divorce afterwards. For instance, who thought Disney World on Christmas break — the one week that the entire Western world has off — was a good idea?

Just to be safe, if you’ve been a turd for the past few months, The Guys suggest putting some effort in until Labor Day if you plan to keep your family. After that, they’re pretty much locked in for another year of disappointment.

Survey: Social media leads to spouses unfriending each other

Married people: get off of social media right now. It’s going to end your marriage.

According to a survey by a law firm in the U.K., social media has caused a significant number of divorces. About 14% of Brits surveyed said they had thought about filing for divorce because of something their spouse did online. Even worse, 25% of those surveyed said they had fights weekly about social media use, and 17% said they fought with their spouse about it every day. Every. Day.

If you and your spouse are fighting about stuff you post on a stupid site on a daily basis, it might be time to block them.

The McBournie Minute: A divorce isn’t real unless it’s on Facebook

For most of my dating career, there was no Facebook. Looking back, I think that’s probably a good thing. Things you post never die, even when you do. Facebook came on the scene during my senior year of college, and even then, MySpace was the clear favorite of the cool kids, and would be for another two years or so. Before that, you didn’t declare your relationship status publicly. You might brag about your new fling to your friends, or bring someone home to meet your parents if things got really serious, but that was about it.

But before long, Facebook and his relation-ship labeling technology beat out MySpace and its profile song autoplay functionality. If you met someone and eventually had the “define the relationship” talk, you could then announce the results to all your friends with a couple clicks. Of course, this also meant you had to publicly acknowledge when the relationship spiraled out of control and eventually met its demise.

Then things got complicated. People started getting married. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: A divorce isn’t real unless it’s on Facebook

In sickness and in health … but mostly health

"OK, so when will you be well enough to make me a sandwich?"
“OK, so when will you be well enough to make me a sandwich?”

For some reason, married couples are more likely to divorce when the wife gets sick. Researchers at Iowa State University and Purdue found that marriages ended 6% more often after the wife contracted a serious illness than when the husband does. They did not, however, figure out why or who does the leaving (besides Newt Gingrich and John Edwards).

In unrelated news, the manufacturers of Airborne, green tea and orange juice are reporting higher than average sales — for the first time outpacing issues of Cosmo.

Crimea: just a test date before really hitting the field

"Yes. Yes, I want to see more Ukrainians. Immediately." (Confused? This women's rights protester is from Ukraine.)
“Yes. Yes, I want to see more Ukrainians. Immediately.” (Confused? This women’s rights protester is from Ukraine.)

Russian President and guy who always asks if you’re going to eat your meat before stealing your entire plate, Vladimir Putin is officially single. He and his now ex-wife, Lyudmila, finalized their divorce according to a Kremlin announcement on Tuesday.

When announcing their separation back in June, Putin stressed that their decision to split was a mutual decision, much in the same way that Putin stresses that it’s a mutual decision to annex parts of other countries.

Based on the timing — coinciding with the ongoing crisis in Crimea — it’s possible that Putin needed to get himself out there on a pick-up date with one of Russia’s exes before he felt ready to see other countries.

If that’s the case, then we may finally understand what Sarah Palin warned us about: Putin rearing his head.

This will only make Coldplay’s music sadder

From her hilariously tone-deaf advice web site to her bordering-on-child-abuse understanding of baby names, Gwyneth Paltrow gets a lot of grief online. The Guys can’t really judge her too harshly when we’ll probably name all of our kids after famous pirates.

But, it doesn’t help her perceived douchiness when she describes what normal people call a “f*cking divorce” as a “conscious uncoupling.”

Although unconscious uncoupling could explain those dreams when your wife wakes up angry at you for something you did in a dream.
Unconscious uncoupling could be a good term for when your wife wakes up angry at you for something you did in a dream.

The birds, bees, people that eat them

A new study from Ohio State University reveals that men gain weight after a divorce, while women gain weight after having accomplished all of their life goals except ruining yours.

Researchers were unable to pinpoint the root causes for the higher chance of weight gain in these two groups, but they attributed it to married women having “less time to exercise and stay fit than similar unmarried women.”

If we may, we can fill science in on what happens to divorced men: beer for breakfast and Hot Pockets. Also, lackluster masturbation. (Lacklusturbation?)

Leroy Jenkins is more important than your marriage

Social sites and massively multiplayer online games aren’t just a great place to catch up with friends and be entertained, they’re also a great place to dig up dirt on a soon-to-be ex. Which, let’s face it, is one of the lamer reasons for why you’re being divorced.

The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers says 81 percent of its members have used or faced evidence from Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and other social networking sites, including YouTube and LinkedIn, over the last five years.

Evidence like:

Father seeks custody of the kids, claiming (among other things) that his ex-wife never attends the events of their young ones. Subpoenaed evidence from the gaming site World of Warcraft tracks her there with her boyfriend at the precise time she was supposed to be out with the children. Mom loves Facebook’s Farmville, too, at all the wrong times.

So the next time you’re clanning for a new scepter of intelligence +25 in World of Warcraft, or logging 10 hours in Farmville, you might want to remember that someone could be watching … and taking a few notes.