Tag: family

Fun Fact: Expected results are expected

Our favorite government-sanctioned four day weekend is almost upon us! Normally, this just means drinking (more) on a Wednesday. But, a new survey indicates that 59 percent of us will check our work email over the break.

If that wasn’t bad enough, of those who will be in to eat turducken “in just a minute,” 41 percent will report to be annoyed to have actually found work-related email in their inbox.

People, there are better and less sad ways to avoid your family than pretending to work–only to receive actual work to do. There’s always:

  • Food comas.
  • Bringing a fake “life partner” to dinner.
  • Injuring and then taking someone to the emergency room after the family football game.

Most Australian story ever

On Sunday, a family from Victoria in Australia’s southeast was involved in a car crash, when the driver rolled a Nissan Pulsar trying to avoid a kangaroo. Had they been celebrating the United States’ birthday, that might not have been an issue. Because we have a severe lack of kangaroos, that is.

There were five people in the car, three children, their mother and her partner, and after the crash, the mother became trapped in the wreckage. Staying calm, one of the children, seven year-old Christopher grabbed his Nintendo DS, and with the screens acting as a light, as the crash occurred at 10 pm, was able to locate his mother’s mobile phone so she could call emergency services for assistance.

Christopher then helped one of his little brothers out of the crash before his mother was able to free herself. For his actions, he’s been nominated by the local ambulance service for a Community Hero Award. Which is nice. But yet again, had they been celebrating my nation’s birthday and been blowing up a chunk of their land instead, it wouldn’t be an issue. Still, they can make up for it by blowing up a kangaroo instead. Purely for the scientific purpose of revenge, after all.

Kill your family (before they kill yourself)

Is your family around?

Don’t answer out loud! Blink once for, “No,” and twice for, “You can’t read my thoughts through the Internet.”

OK, good. Did you know that suicide might run in families? After yesterday’s news of Sylvia Plath’s son’s suicide, the experts are starting to believe this is the case.

The problem is that you don’t know when a relative might kill themselves … just to kill you. You didn’t think about that, did you?

Why, even now, your mother might be driving her car off of a cliff, just so you’ll hang yourself in the coat closet later. (Instead of leaving yourself on the floor. Seriously, at least use the hamper; that’s what it’s for.)

The Guys aren’t saying that killing your family is the only way to prevent your possible suicide … but we’re not saying your family won’t kill themselves to kill yourself, either.

For more information, consult our handy guide, “How To: Kill your parents.”

Facebook wants your grandmama

Ew. EW. EWWWWWWW!

Okay, so they also want Mom, Dad, second Mom, second Dad, your aunt, your uncle and the whole kitten caboodle. But still! I don’t even think either of my grandmothers know how to use a computer.

In a recent interview, Gareth Davis, program manager for games in Facebook’s platform marketing division, had a lot to say about their burgeoning social network/”gaming platform.” According to Davis, the network has accrued more than 5,000 games since opening up their platform in 2007, and those games are coming from small fish and enormous whales alike. He said the player demographics are changing as well.

“Our fastest growing demographic now is over 30,” said Davis. “Now it’s grandparents playing games with grandchildren. You don’t see that anywhere else.”

When asked if Facebook will become crowded with so many games that developer’s games won’t be seen, Davis remains confident in his medium:

“The [past] retail model meant there were 200 slots in a store. With the Internet, there can be infinite games. There can be successful niches. The cost of distribution is virtually zero. You can have a successful business with 300,000 users. You can make targeted applications that you could not do in a retail store.”

Oh joy. Now I get to look forward to getting Facebook friend invites from distant relatives. How wonderful. And the legion of application invites as well? I’m going to kill myself.