Tag: Georgia

Some advice if you’re running for office

The Guys have followed a lot of elections since way back in 2007. In that time, we’ve covered the emergence of new political tools like robocalls and observing foreign countries from your backyard. But, there’s one that has gained more popularity than any other: refusing to accept the results.

Recounts, which entered the modern campaign vocabulary in the 2000 presidential race have gone on to hold up the increasingly smaller results of senate, representative and now mayoral races.

One of either two things needs to happen:

  1. The American people need to start voting for popular people in hasty, landslide elections like in the good old days of prom season, or
  2. Politicians need to concede when they’ve lost and start planning for the next race.

All we’re saying is that election workers hate sitting in warehouses all day. If you think another count is going to magically reverse the results and curry their favor, then you probably also eat more spit than your average McDonald’s gourmand.

Keep those panic hats on

The scariest food news to hit the country gets even worse. Leggo my frozen bachelor grub, lack of waffles.

Kellogg’s, which manufactures Eggo frozen waffles, blames the nationwide shortage on flooding that hit an Atlanta processing facility in September.

The shortage will most likely be in effect through the middle of next year, the company says.

“The Eggo team is working around the clock to bring everyone’s favorite waffles back to store shelves as quickly as possible. We hope to regain full distribution of Eggo products by the middle of 2010,” the company says on the Eggo Web site. “This is a top priority for Kellogg Company.”

In addition to the Georgia flooding, Kellogg’s says “equipment enhancements and repairs in our largest waffle bakery” contributed to the shortage.

With the loss of canned pumpkin and now the loss of Eggo waffles, we can officially put ourselves on THREAT LEVEL: FOODA.

Take it from Snee: I will be safe again

For eight years–eight years–I believed we had created a safer United States, a bomb-free and non-terrorized America.  I thought that, by taking my shoes off at airports and picketing Muslim schools, we were safe.

All of that was thrown out the window this morning thanks to CNN and Bryan Schools (but mostly Bryan Schools). Now I’m terrified, which is terrorism. (Bryan Schools is a terrorist.)

If 10 U.S. government agents could sneak bombs into U.S. government buildings past other U.S. government employees, then every step the U.S. government has taken to protect me was all a lie. I’m not safe, nor was I ever.

But, I’m going to change that, you Take it from Snee. Continue reading Take it from Snee: I will be safe again

Prestigious colleges have old rules

In a typical bleeding-heart, anti-gun fashion, this story doesn’t mention that you have to shoot somebody in order to graduate from Morehouse College.

Keeping it too real

Rico Todriquez Wright was so impressed with his shooting prowess that he mentioned a victim by name in one of his rap songs. What the braggart forgot to mention is that, while he can shoot a person, he apparently can’t kill one.

The victim, Chad Blue, heard the song and played it for the police. Fortunately, he did not receive a noise citation, but only because he was presenting evidence.

Rico “Not So Suave” Wright’s phat confession landed him in prison for the next 20 years on an aggravated assault beat.

Solution solved. Now for the homework!

Problems in Richmond aren’t just found in Virginia–sometimes they’re found in other Richmonds. A Richmond County school in Georgia has finally figured out a solution to the problem of teachers having sex with students—they’ve started having sex with each other. Which they can, since they are consenting adults, after all.

On school grounds.

While class is in session.

Oh. Well. Hmmmm ….

See, problem solved! Or, you know, maybe not. And people, like me, say that math is hard.

Putin: ‘B-b-b-but they did it!’

For a not-president-of-Russia-anymore, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin sure has a lot to say about the invasion of Georgia. (They’re now up to ceasefire number 28: one more beats the Israeli-Palestinian monthly record!)

Putin now accuses the United States of starting this war, claiming our government encouraged Georgia to oppress South Ossetia and dispatched agents to orchestrate the entire affair.

Nice try, Putin. We wrote the book on making up other countries’ involvement in our wars (see: Iraq and 9/11). Don’t try to snow a snowman.

Bonus alternate punchline:
Oh, c’mon. We can’t be responsible for all of today’s wars! Mel Gibson has a theory you could borrow.

Explanation: The Georgian-Russian conflict

Readers, if you’re anything like us, you’re an expert on all affairs, foreign and domestic. But not everyone has the time or inclination to study the world, learning the fine nuances that shape our own backyards.

It’s not enough to know that the flap of a butterfly’s wing gives birth to a huricane on the other side of the globe; you also have to use that knowledge to kill butterflies to end huricanes.

This is why we’re bringing you this explanation for the current brough-ha-ha in Georgia: the Russians want to hide the true identity of Bigfoot!

Yes, a pair of hunters have discovered a hidden enclave of Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) northern Georgia, presumably along the border it shares with Russia. The Russians have invaded to prevent these hunters from revealing the identities of these beasts later today.

The hunters, Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer (don’t bother trying to pronounce these bizarre Slavic names), claim to have DNA and photographic evidence, but will not reveal the monkey-men’s whereabouts because it’s an utter war zone now.

This just in: Apparently we’ve already done the “confusing the two Georgias” bit already. We, here at SeriouslyGuys, apologize and will brutalize our writers for this oversight.

You Missed It: Eights are wild edition

It’s Friday. More than that, it’s an 8/8/08 Friday. Does that mean something special to you? It should, because it’s the last time we are going to see all three date categories matching up until 9/9/09, and we all know that is way too far in the future to comprehend. Anyway, if you were busy airing fake political ads this week, odds are you missed it.

Lucius Fox will not drive the Batmobile anytime soon
Actor Morgan Freeman and his wife’s friend were involved in a car accident in Mississippi. Reportedly, Freeman was driving at night and the car left the road, flipping into a ditch. He had surgery and was released, but it turns out he and his wife are getting divorced. It just so happens Freeman has been rumored to have a mistress that was one of his wife’s friends. Draw your own conclusions on the cause of the accident, if you know what we mean. Freeman’s accident is the latest in a series of mishaps and tragedies that have befallen the cast of The Dark Knight. First Heath Ledger’s death, then Christian Bale’s assault charges, then Maggie Gyllenhaal’s droopy face.

The Olympics are seeing red
Today marks the first day of the 2008 Beijing Olympics. This means that we can expect a great deal of sports coverage on television for the next couple weeks. Security is said to be very tight at the event, so that means all the athletes have to worry about is smog, SARS and possible jail time for even saying the word “Tibet.”

Georgia on Russia’s mind
In a military operation totally not planned to happen the same day as the beginning of the Olympics, because that would just too conveniently take the world’s eye off the ball for a little while, Russia has invaded Georgia, making it the first time since General William T. Sherman in 1864 that an invading force has–wait, I’m being told there is more than one Georgia. Apparently there is one in Asia, too. Russia says next it will invade New Jersey, the one in Asia.

Packers send Favre packing
Brett Favre (pronounced FAV-ree) has been traded by the Green Bay Packers to the New York Jets this week after being reinstated in the NFL and a drama that has been going on since the end of last season and Favre’s (supposed) retirement. Favre is clearly going through the classic mid-life crisis, where a man looks around at his life, at his NFL records, his Super Bowl rings and his piles of money and asks himself “Is this really all there is?”

What has six hooves and hates you?

Deer threaten cars everywhere and mostly serve as an excuse to get our nation’s gun enthusiasts out into the forest for days at a time. This quiet, unimposing animal disarms most people with its cute behavior, but as we all know, the only good deer is one mounted on a wall.

But that does not stop the deer from trying. They have rolled out their newest version of terror, the 2009 models are in, and deer now have 50 percent more legs to kill you. A six-legged deer was found in Georgia and is currently “in physicians’ care,” which we all know to mean “ready for a horrible death.” Veterinarians do not want to release the freak back into the wild, because it might get hurt or, you know, have six-legged deer babies someday.

This blog says there is but one solution to this problem: we need the advice of Smith and Wesson.