Tag: girl scouts

He (may have) stole the cookies from the cookie jar!

And by “cookie jar,” we still mean “large and unmarked warehouse.”

Remember that grand theft of the Girl Scout cookies? You know, the one that was only fifty percent worth it because half of the contents stolen were of the Shortbread variety (yum) and the other half were of the Thin Mint variety (ugh)?

Surprise, surprise: it was an inside job. Well, “inside job” meaning from within the warehouse, not from within the Girl Scouts. Christopher Morton, accused of the theft, has not said why he allegedly decided to steal almost $19,000 worth of cookies, including his horrible choice to grab $9,500 worth of Thin Mints.

Rogue Girl Scouts’ little stunt has the Mayor asking for our leader hats

Johnson! Cotton! Get in our office!

We’ve got the city superintendent breathing down our necks about a couple of loose cannons causing mayhem in the streets. Oh? You don’t know what we’re talking about? How does this jog your memory:

One unidentified perp pulled up to a certain cookie-selling stakeout, jumped out of his car and nabbed a cash box containing $200. During his attempt to drive off, one Girl Scout, Iravia Cotton, punched the assailant, while the other, Rachel Johnson, jumped on the getaway car. Johnson was dragged by the car, sustaining minor scrapes and bruises.

You know, we ought to take your sashes and berets. God knows the Commissioner wants us to, and your style may not be “orthodox” or “by the scout handbook,” but dammit … you get results. We’re putting you back out there, and if we hear just one more word about your hijinks, you’ll be manning a desk beat in less time than we can eat this box of Thin Mints.

Newsflash: Horrible cookies are horrible

Girl Scout cookies are awesome. Sadly, they stopped making them with real Girl Scouts back in the summer of 1982, but nonetheless, they still remain delicious little morsels that are a bit more overpriced than what you’ll find in a grocery store.

Except Thin Mints. The marriage of chocolate and mint is an abomination and sin before God and man!

Ahem. As we were saying, you can’t really go wrong with most any girl scout cookie, with the exception of the previously mentioned Thin Mints and Lemon Chalet Cremes, but for the latter, that’s because lemon is a horrible dessert flavor. Now, there’s more to it than just a nasty flavoring; try a nasty smell as well.

Many people have recently discovered that their Lemon Chalet Cremes have had both a nasty smell and taste. (That would be lemon flavoring, you uncivilized oaf.) After barraging it with a series of tests, Little Brownie Bakers has declared that the cookies are safe for consumption.

Apparently, the odor came from oils in the cookies that did not break down properly in the production phase. Which is slightly troubling, mainly because it’s oil, which isn’t very well known for its inability to break down.

Of course, we could not care less about this news, just so long as our delicious Peanut Butter Patties and Samoas (political correctness be damned) are go for take-off.

Finally, we can breathe easy

Life is short. It’s also scary. We don’t know what our next will end up being. Heck, we don’t even know if we’ll still have a job tomorrow. Life is not just short, it’s expensive. Unfortunately, another salmonella outbreak in peanut butter-based products has made one of the most delicious yet cost-conscious foods to ever grace our palettes that much more expensive. But don’t worry …

… Girl Scout cookies are still safe. This apparently news-worthy article has been brought to you by the delicious Samoas and Peanut Butter Patties.

Help fight the war by eating junk food

We all know the tastiest food comes from animals, in general, the cutest ones. But now, eating stuff that probably doesn’t have animal parts in it, stuff like cookies, can help rid the world of our animal foes.

You see, many junk foods and other useful products like hair conditioner use palm oil. There is such a demand for palm oil that entire sections of rain forests in Indonesia and Malaysia are being cleared out for palm oil plantations.

“Big deal,” you say. “How does this help me defeat the beasts?” Well, the rain forests they burn not only help fight the War on the Ozone Layer, but it destroys the habitat of many different animals, including the last wild habitat of the orangutan. Yes, wash your hair and eat some Girl Scout cookies and you can give an ape the fate it deserves: a long, slow death by starvation caused by lack of habitat and fear of dudes running around with machetes.