Tag: global warming

In space, no one can hear your ramblings

Space, so we’re told, is a very peaceful. You have a nice view of the Earth, you get to go outside for a stroll, even some lucky few have walked on the moon. But they don’t talk about what happens to you when you go into space: you go crazy.

That’s right, it happens to a select few, but they get space dementia, which we all know is totally real. Case in point: Edgar Mitchell, a former astronaut best known for orbiting the moon on Apollo 14, said yesterday that UFOs are real and the U.S. government is covering them up.

Another former astronaut, Harrison Schmitt, who walked on the moon on Apollo 17, says that global warming is fake. He claims that science is being intimidated into supporting global warming because the scientists need their funding. Say, is this why no one really ever hears from Neil Armstrong?

Mars Attacks! our green technology

Citizens of the Earth, we are facing an ever-present danger. We face a two-fold crisis. First, we are running out of oil, one of our main sources of fuel for things like transportation and otter-killing, and second, we face the threat of environmental destruction through (stop reading here if you are a neo-con) global warming.

Scientists are working around the world to find new sources of energy that could solve both problems for us, but it may not be fast enough. And now, we have threats from outer space. Not just from Keanu Reeves, but coming in the form of interstellar vandalism.

In England, hundred of UFOs are being reported, and a wind turbine was unexpectedly damaged in the area where most of the reports originate. Clearly, intelligent beings are coming to this planet to mess with our pinwheels.

Set phasers to kill!

Who (other than Kevin Costner) saw this coming?

Somali pirates have seized The Sirius Star, a reportedly fully-loaded oil tanker that can carry 2 million barrels of crude and is three times larger than a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier. (This is not to be confused with The Siriusly Star, which is a rowboat full of 2 million Arby’s coupons.)

Along with the 300,000 ton vessel, they are also holding the MV Faina, an Ukranian arms ship that contains T-72 Russian tanks.

So, heavily armed pirates have a giant, full oil tanker and loads of weapons requiring said oil. Meanwhile, global warming is melting our polar caps and, if left unchecked, could flood the world.

Of all the two post-apocalyptic sci-fi-y Kevin Costner flicks, why did Waterworld have to be the prophetic one? At least The Postman promised continued mail delivery.

Winning without even trying

Some fronts take a lot of work to win. Take the Amazon rain forest for example. We know that it has the highest concentration of animal life, of both species known and unknown, in the world. To conquer such terrain is taking the coordinated effort of thousands of poor farmers looking for more land, and fast food companies who need to raise more cattle. We are making progress there slowly, but as long as we don’t give in, we will get there.

Then there are places like Yellowstone National Park, where we aren’t really trying and yet we’re winning anyway. Scientists have found that despite being protected by federal law (for reasons unknown to us) amphibians are dying off. Why? Global warming, which as any Republican leader will tell you, had nothing to do with us until this election cycle, now we believe there could be some slight human cause, but really it’s just the Earth’s natural cycle.

Scientists have found that newts, frogs and toads have been declining in population in the park. Little do they know, the amphibians are actually being used for a brew made by a witch living in the park.

When life gives you limes, save the world

You’re tired of 7Up, aren’t you? Not to mention, it’s getting to be late July and you’re already sick of Corona. What are you going to do with all of those limes? Perhaps it’s time you got working on reducing that carbon footprint of yours.

That’s right, the same thing Bud Light has been adding to their product to make it seem enjoyable can help you save the planet. Scientists say adding lime to ocean water may reduce carbon emissions, thereby letting Republicans the oil industry get back to making its money killing us all.

The scientists said they came up with the idea after several rounds passing around a bottle of Jose Cuervo on a recent bender.

“Dude, we should, like, totally add limes into the ocean. HAHAHAHAHA. And then, and then, no, no wait, listen you guys. SHHHHH! And then, all the acid would, like, eat away all the carbon when it rains, and–SHUT UP! And then it would make the world totally safer for everyone.”

(Via Gizmodo)

You Missed It: Aw nuts edition

One again, we find ourselves at the end of the work week. For those of you who missed us last Friday (and we know you didn’t), fear not, we have returned once more. If you were too busy watching your mortgage company go under this week, odds are you missed it.

The ‘G’ stands for ‘green’
Leaders met in Japan this week for the Group of Eight summit in order to talk about important things that only the really, really important nations care about. One of the biggest decisions to come out of the summit was the agreement to cut greenhouse gas emissions in half by 2050. After the leaders agreed, they all had a big laugh and swirled the ice cubes in their scotch.

You’re out
Yankee All-Star Alex Rodriguez’s wife filed for divorce this week. Something about how he has been caught cheating on her numerous times while she has been taking care of the kids. Happy to hear the announcement are ladies across the country and teammate Derek Jeter.

Don’t sugar coat it, Reverend
Rev. Jesse Jackson apologized this week for remarks he made about Sen. Barack Obama that were recorded accidentally into an open microphone after an interview. Jackson said, “See, Barack’s been talking down to black people … I want to cut his nuts off.” An extra Secret Service agent has been posted to guard Obama’s crotch around the clock.

High school has changed so much since I was there
A new study shows that for the first time since 1991, U.S. teen pregnancy rates are rising. No one seems to have a clear reason for the sudden increase, but point to high-profile teen pregnancies this that of Jamie Lynn Spears, 17, and the girls of Gloucester High School as possible influences. We here at SG have no idea what or who could be responsible for it.

Prince Charles: Big fan of How To series

Are you tired of rising gas prices? If you’re already following our tips but still just barely getting by, maybe it’s time to take advice from across the pond. Why not convert your car to run on wine (sort of what we had said)?

Prince Charles converted a car (probably not by himself) to run on biofuel made from excess wine. This makes sense for him, because he has never had to worry about money in his life, and probably has wine left over from all of the parties he and his sons throw.

The only side effect is that the exhaust turns pedestrians’ teeth purple.

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round

Alright, everyone here? OK, good.

Look, I don’t have a lot of time today, so I’m not gonna type up a bunch of crap about why I’m right. I’m just gonna cut to the chase and tell you why you’re wrong.

What follows are pieces of conventional “wisdom” (I’m using the term very lightly) and what’s wrong with these turd nuggets. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round

The next wave of illegal immigrants

Global warming may be a threat after all. Not because some scientists are worried that we will be plunged into a new ice age because of it–that’s just crazy talk. But because warmer climates could result in us getting some rather unpleasant neighbors.

Scientists say that if the planet heats up at its current rate, by 2100, parts of North America could have a climate similar to Pakistan or Indonesia. While this blog has no idea what that means, there is a scarier aspect to this: Pythons could invade our territory.

“Climate modeling for the year 2100 which shows the possible climate range for pythons moving northward and swallowing up northernmost parts of Texas and Arkansas, the southeast half of Kansas, the southern half of Missouri and parts of southern Illinois and Indiana. Further east the big snakes could comfortably creep through Tennessee, Kentucky, Maryland, Delaware and southern New Jersey.”

The west coast isn’t safe either. Folks, we have to either fight global warming or fight pythons. Since it’s unclear whether or not a shotgun can kill global warming, this blog recommends we go after pythons.