Tag: health

Coke products will not save your life

The Coca-Cola Company is facing an FDA warning about Diet Coke Plus and a lawsuit from the Center for Science in the Public Interest (a consumer group) about VitaminWater, both alledging that the company makes false claims about their health benefits.

Diet Coke Plus recieved its warning because it “[violates] U.S. against marketing soda and other snack foods as more nutritious.” In Coke’s defense, it is more nutritious than, say, vitamin-enriched cocaine, which has not been an additive in their taste-test-losing formula since 1903.

VitaminWater, which is not a Web site (contrary to its edgy .com spelling), is under fire because Coke prints little nutritional tidbits on their bottles like, “defense,” “rescue,” “energy,” and “endurance.” CSPI is also upset because the bottles neglect to mention that the sugar-content does not defend or rescue drinkers from obesity and diabetes.

It is this blog’s duty to remind you that only one beverage can actually improve your health, unlike water, which just makes you thirsty for beverages with taste: booze.

Animals introduce germ warfare

Eating monkeys, as it turns out, may not be the healthiest thing for you–unless your idea of health is illness. We know, this sounds like crazy talk, but we feel it is our job to tell you about this concern.

According to a CNN report, people in Africa have turned to eating the local monkey population because of the rising price of food. In some respects, this is good news, because now the people, without incentives from Big Government, are going out and taking the fight to the animals–and winning!

On the other hand, some of these warriors are getting some pretty nasty diseases like monkeypox, which, like chickenpox, can only be caught from contact with its namesake.

So, if you happen to be in Africa and you’re on a safari or scrounging for food or whatever, do not eat monkeys, no matter how tasty they look. However, it’s perfectly OK to kill them. They are our enemies after all, and we must stop their attempts at germ warfare.

More urgent health advice

As winter approaches, much of the country is already being plunged into unseasonably cold temperatures. We here at SeriouslyGuys would like to remind each and every one of our readers (are you listening, you two?) to bundle up and take care of yourself. Colds can be dangerous.

In Boston, Andrew Hanson’s cold became a much bigger problem, when he sneezed while driving and ended up in the Charles River. Luckily, the water wasn’t very deep at all and he was able to make it safely to shore. The truck he was driving likely did not survive the illness.

We suggest the following methods of staying healthy this winter:

  • Not going outside until March
  • Drinking a lot (because alcohol kills germs, may we suggest a health tonic?)
  • Using this as an opportunity to kick that railing-licking habit of yours
  • Using a condom
  • Not touching anything anywhere

Drinking and Googling: The perfect combination

Good morning, time for a belt. First off, while we advocate the consumption of alcohol, especially on long flights, where it is needed to dull the pain of constant probing, we do not condone hijacking a plane while doing so. However, that may be a new drink name.

Moving along, we’ve got some bad news for you sots out there: your brain is smaller than your teetotaler friends (like you associate with those types). The bad news here is that a study found regular drinkers and even occasional partakers lost brain mass at a faster rate than those lame-os who have never touched the stuff.

But there is hope! Another new study hints that using the Internet regularly can keep your brain smarter for longer in your life. The theory is that it makes you do a whole bunch of complex thinking, so it keeps the brain active, which is apparently good.

This means it is also a great counter to the brain-shrinking effects of alcohol. And we already know that Google Mail will keep you from sending drunk e-mail messages, so now Web surfing drunk is safe and healthy. Hooray for science!

Take that, redtooth!

According to a story in the New York Times, grape juice has many of the same health benefits as wine (story after the ad). Now you maybe be asking yourself, “Hey! They said drinking wine was good for you, so why are they celebrating the fact that one can get similar health benefits from grape juice?”

Simple, dear reader: Wine sucks.

Sure, the ladies like it, and it is sometimes also Jesus’ blood, but if you think about it, wine is one of the lamest forms of alcohol out there. It colors your teeth, it makes you tired before it makes you drunk, and you are almost certain to have a headache in the morning, regardless of how little you drink. Worst of all, wine has an element of elitism not found anywhere else in all of Boozedom.

Some may see this as a blow to the argument that drinking can be good for you. Not the health buffs here at SG. We believe that this is some of the best news possible. Now you can cast aside your corkscrew and get the health benefits you really want from grape juice, which conveniently mixes well with vodka. This means that not only can you start feeling better, but you can also get crocked for less and with something you actually enjoy drinking.

The Guys suggest our own creation:
Health Tonic

  • Two parts vodka
  • One part grape juice
  • One part Sprite
  • Served on the rocks in as large a glass as possible, garnish of choice is optional. Remember, eating fruit is healthy.

(Via Lifehacker)

The latest from the field of medicine

Here at SeriouslyGuys, we care about our readers’ health, mostly because there are so few of them and we can’t afford to lose any. With that touching thought in mind, we have two important pieces of medical advice for you today:

Did you know that metal objects, while they may be tasty treats, can actually be bad for you? It’s true! While an excellent source of iron (HAR!), assorted metal objects can be harmful to one’s tummy. Doctors in Peru recently announced this medical breakthrough after removing knives, nails, screws, a watch, some barbed wire and other scrumptious shiny objects from a man’s stomach. Also bad for you: standing near a magnet after eating a meal like that.

Lasers are bad, too–not to eat, that’s perfectly fine. But it turns out lasers may not be good for your eyes, so stop staring at your optic mouse right now! Some ravers in Moscow are now partially blind because the laser show burned their retinas (retinae?), which, this blog understands, is not a good thing. However, listening to loud electronic music while on illicit substances is A-OK, kids!

For more expert advice, be sure to turn your head and cough for Dr. Snee.

Make money doing what you enjoy

Sure, India is one of the few democracies in the Eastern Hemisphere and a huge tourist destination, but did you know it is also really, really gross?

It’s not just the two-faced babies or the people walking around with weird names, no, apparently there is a huge problem with people relieving themselves, regardless of which number it is, in public. This can be quite troublesome in an environment where people are all the time.

So the town of Musiri has taken the approach of the desaparate parent of a toddler: they are paying them to use a public toilet.

“Next year, we can install urine banks so we can sell the urine to farmers,” he said.

Mmmmmm.

Take it from Snee: This just ain’t healthy

So I quit smoking. No, no — please hold your applause until the end.

I’ve always been a pretty healthy guy. I work out. I don’t eat a lot of sugar, salt or arsenic. I only drink on weekends, but I always use that time productively by getting really drunk and designated driving. I don’t always use a condom when I’m treating myself to a prostitute, but I always ask if they have any on them. (If they don’t, it means they’re clean.)

So, I guess it made sense to quit smoking. I mean, why would I otherwise put in all that other effort to stay healthy?

Ah, but then I did some reading. Despite this latest endeavor, I’m still not healthy. Continue reading Take it from Snee: This just ain’t healthy

Australian babies succomb to beer pressure

No! We can't let this happen!In more Wacky Australian Booze News, one-third of surveyed Australian women tip a few back while pregnant. Not only are they drinking while incubating future felons, but 93% of that third said that “they knew alcohol could affect an unborn child.”

In response, Australian scientists plan to use these results for a public health campaign about the dangers of drinking with a minor onboard.

This blog cannot agree more: while we support boozing in general, we cannot deny the effects of alcohol on babies. It makes them cooler, appear more mature, more confident with the ladies and possibly super strong. Australians are already all of that. By nurturing these traits at a prenatal stage, the rest of the world will never be able to keep up.

Should the health campaign fail, The Guys see no other alternative than a preemptive strike. That’s right: free cigarettes for pregnant Aussies. The secondhand smoke should float down to their pouches.

How To: Stay healthy

Remember lunch time as kid, when your parents would tell you to eat the crust of your sandwich, because it was “good for your teeth?” Or how about when they told you an apple a day keeps the doctor away? Or the so-called experts, who can’t decide if eggs are good or bad for you? What a bunch of crap you’ve been fed all your life.

Now it’s time to set the record straight. Here are some simple tips to help you stay healthy and save money from expensive visits to the doctor’s office. Here’s how to stay healthy. Continue reading How To: Stay healthy