Tag: hitler

Psychological warfare (on animals)

What do sea lions and Hitler have in common? They are both our enemies, and we have their brains inside a jar so we can study them.

Science is now studying the brain of the California sea lion, so that we can better understand how our foe’s mind works. In fact, we have now mapped the sea lion’s brain. Not surprisingly, most of its thoughts are about eating toddlers, followed closely by thoughts of kelp.

More importantly, we now have the ability to see what chemicals we can put in the water to mess with their heads, even kill them. Science marches on!

And cue the Downfall parody in 3, 2, 1 …

Scientists have discovered that the real owner of the famed Fuhrer’s skull is actually female, making everyone ask:

Wait for it.

Keep waiting.

DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMM! What really happened to Hitler?

DNA analysis on the skull fragment thought to belong to one Adolf Hitler performed at the University of Connecticut has proven that it came from a female aged anywhere between 20 and 40 years of age, despite being found in what was believed to be Hitler’s grave.

What was previously believed to be Hitler’s corpse was cremated by the KGB in 1970, meaning that there’s no real way of verifying whether this skull fragment was simply misidentified or whether the corpse, in fact, didn’t belong to Hitler in the first place. But with the skull fragmented and thus discredited, let the conspiracy theorists run wild!

Conspiracy theory number 1: Hitler was actually Girl Hitler.

Passen Sie heraus für die Dornenbüsche auf

Something tells me that, much like nude beaches, the people who will be hiking nude will be the last people on earth you’d like to see hiking nude.

Except now they’re German and obviously Nazis. Because if we didn’t stereotype, then someone else would.

“You know who else liked to be nude? Hitler!”

Another win for intelligence! We did it!

The big meanies up in Utah decided to create a little thing called HB 353. What is HB 353, other than the worst nightmares of Satan, Hitler and John Lennon all rolled up into one? It’s a video game and movie bill brought about originally by Jack Thompson, in which stiffer fines to video game retailers and movie theaters that gave minors access to games or movies rated above their age level would be added. Also, it’s a giant leap in logic that doesn’t actually look for true accountability (i.e., most parents). So what’s the big hub-bub?

It breezed through the Utah House and Senate by wide margins and it was expected that Governor Jon Huntsman of Utah would back it as well. Not so.

“While protecting children from inappropriate materials is a laudable goal, the language of this bill is so broad that it likely will be struck down by the courts as an unconstitutional violation of the Dormant Commerce Clause and/or the First Amendment,” explained Huntsman. “The industries most affected by this new requirement indicated that rather than risk being held liable under this bill, they would likely choose to no longer issue age appropriate labels on goods and services.

“Therefore, the unintended consequence of the bill would be that parents and children would have no labels to guide them in determining the age appropriateness of the goods or service, thereby increasing children’s potential exposure to something they or their parents would have otherwise determined was inappropriate under the voluntary labeling system now being recognized and embraced by a significant majority of vendors.”

It’s a well known fact that I’m a bit of a major spelling and grammar nazi. Nonetheless, I’ve never been more happy to see sloppy writing. Well, that and some major lobbying by the video game industry. A big and hearty congratulations to everyone who helped knock the bill proposal down. You’ve earned it.

How To: Be an artist

At some point, you decided to be famous. But not normal famous–there’s some things you just won’t eat (anymore). And not by getting your band back together–Steve’s still a toolbox.

That leaves only one way to become famous: you’ll have to be an artist, and we don’t mean “I sell needlepoint apples at craft shows” artist. We mean an artiste; why, practically begging to have a ninja turtle named after you.

You keep dreaming big while we explain how to be an artist. Continue reading How To: Be an artist

That’s what kids are for

OK, so it turns out that little Caylee Anthony may not have disappeared so much as been murdered by her mother, according to reports.

Cue the moral outrage from the masses.

Yes, folks on the Internet, we get it: killing kids is bad. But what if it’s your kid? Are you going to let an entire community of people who can’t use the correct version of “there, their or they’re” tell you to raise–or not raise–your kid?

What if you know your kid is evil? (For the sake of argument, you went to a fortune teller.) Because Caylee was taken from us so young, we’ll never know if she was going to cure cancer or become the President of the United States or the next Hitler.

This blog exists on one principle: our parents brought us into the world, and they can take us back out. Let’s not go to crazy with reforming these child “murder” laws.

Chavez officially booted from message boards

Just like Hitler, German Chancellor Merkel also enjoys writing in her spare time, parades, and getting kissies from western leaders.Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez, is renowned for his trolling. He frequently calls U.S. President Bush “the devil” and also spams Internet message boards with excerpts from Marx and “RON PAUL IN 2008!”

Yesterday, however, he crossed a line: in his counterargument against German Chancellor Angela Merkel, who urged Latin America to give Chavez a geopolitical “time-out,” Chavez compared her to Hitler.

  • They’re both German.
  • Hitler was once a Chancellor.
  • They were both political leaders in Germany.
  • Merkel loves dogs, too.
  • Merkel enjoys Raiders of the Lost Ark, but always “falls asleep” before the end where the Nazis’ faces melt.  (Spoiler alert!)

In response to these latest claims, his memberships to Total Fark, DeviantArt and Salon have been suspended for First Degree Godwinning. To get his screennames reinstated, Chavez will have to renew his IP address and create new Gmail accounts–a very stiff penalty indeed.