Hasn’t hockey suffered enough?

Hockey has had a rough year, thanks to the NHL lockout, but it’s proved a boost for the minor league teams, and unfortunately, the animals know this. That’s why they chose to cause mayhem at a recent Bakersfield Condors game in California.

At some point, a real condor convinced its handler that it would be a good idea to bring it out on the ice during the national anthem. The condor escaped from its handler, of course, who eventually caught it. Then, when the handler slipped and fell on the ice the condor escaped again. It calmly walked over to the home team’s bench and hopped over the boards, harassing the Bakersfield Condors.

Eventually, the condor walked itself back to the locker room, confident it had instilled fear in everyone in the arena.

The case of the missing outhouse

In case you hadn’t heard, hockey is coming back, and the Canadians are simply going crazy about it. In Alberta, one man would say that they’re going too crazy.

In Alberta, someone took Randy Nemirsky’s brand new outhouse, and he wants it back. He and his son reportedly build the outhouse (pronounced “oot-house”) over the summer, and it cost them $1,000 Canadian, as if they have real money. But some hoser took it during the fall, while father and son were away.

Yes, the Mounties really are on the case.

The McBournie Minute: Don’t get excited

With the end of the holiday season, and the beginning of “Oh crap, we still have months left of this miserable weather” season, we often try to find things to believe in. We all need that thing to hope for, to look forward to, to get us through. It’s a stupid mental trick we do to ourselves.

It’s time we stop tricking ourselves into looking forward to things. It’s going to be crappy for a long time, and the sooner we all acknowledge this, the better our chances are of moving on. We don’t need winter escapism, we need to face reality and somehow make our peace with it. It’s unfair of us to put so much pressure on these things we hope for.

So I’m here to tell you why you shouldn’t get excited about things around the corner. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Don’t get excited

Filling the hole left by the NHL lockout

As a very, very limited number of you may have noticed, there is currently no NHL season because of a dispute between the players and the owners. We know this is devastating to all of you.

The hardest hit are Canadians, who now face not only the prospect of going a year without their beloved sport, but having nothing else to do during winter, the worst time to live in Canada. But the adult toy industry has been benefiting from from the lockout.

Adult toy makers say that their boost in sales this fall, up 15% since October, is a direct result of there being no hockey to watch. The Canucks have managed to find other way to entertain themselves, which could lead to a lockout baby boom.

Manliest sport in the world comes from … Canada?

Oh Canada. We make jokes and jests about you because you’re fun. Sure, people may say that you’re “too nice” in a pejorative manner, but really, how can being “too nice” actually be a bad thing, hmm? When people say that you’re a simple folk, they don’t mean it in a negative way, they just mean that you’re too innocent to have to dirty your hands in the slightly harsher elements of world politics.

Yes. Sure.

You might have come up with hockey, but curling? A sport that involves brooms? That’s not exactly strong of muscle, and as such, the world knows (but has not castigated) you’ve been trying to compensate for that.

But seriously? Ultimate Tazer Ball? Was the inexistant “Mid-level Tazer Ball” not enough? You do know that Jackass and Mountain Dew are products of the United States, right?

You Missed It: Front and center edition

The World Cup is here. No, really, it is. I had the same reaction, myself, “Hey, is that the international soccer thing?” Turns out, yes it is, and they play it only once every four years. It’s like the Olympics of soccer–if the Olympics didn’t have soccer. If you were busy getting your iPad hacked, odds are you missed it.

Helen Thomas retires, wig’s fate uncertain
Reporter Helen Thomas goes against the grain. First off, she’s a woman reporter, and she’s been one much longer than society trusted females with writing news stories. On top of that, she’s an anti-Semite (take THAT, everyone who thinks “the Jews” control the media!). Thomas, who has been part of the White House Press corps. since the Lincoln administration, stepped down this week after she said in a video interview that Israelis should go home and give Palestine back. The Jews who control the media were not pleased.

Chicago has only one cursed team left
The Chicago Blackhawks are the latest team to end a championship drought, after winning the Stanley Cup this week. The Blackhawks defeated the Philadelphia Flyers in six games. This is Chicago’s first Cup since 1961, and means a lot to–hey! HEY! Come back, I’ll move on. I promise.

What you talkin’ ’bout, Shannon?
Right on time, the fight for Gary Coleman’s legacy has begun. Despite being divorced since 2008, Shannon Price believes she has the final say over Coleman’s estate, especially his money. Oh, and she also sold a picture of herself with him on his death bed to tabloids. Has anyone told this grave gold digger that Gary Coleman really didn’t have that much money?

What else are they supposed to do?

In Canada, a controversy brewed when video of a 10-year-old age group hockey team showed several members of the team drinking beer. What’s shocking is that 10 is not the legal age to drink in Canada.

Apparently, the country does not believe that beer after a hockey game is what should be going on for these kids. If it isn’t, then what was the women’s Olympic team doing after they won the gold medal?

Canada: Badass?

Canada may be sort of douchey, especially when it comes to hockey. They’re all, “This is our national sport, we should win the gold medal.” And we’re all, “Hey, we like that game played with the ice and the stick thingies, too!” But you have to grant them one thing: they know how to piss off animal activists and send a message to our foes.

Seals present one of the biggest threats to our kind that we have ever seen. Canada is leading the way in battling them. They included seal skin the the uniforms of their Olympic athletes, they make the English eat fresh seal hearts, and they even eat seal meat.

Now, the Canadian Parliament is going to up the stakes by eating seal meat to fight a European Union ban. Mmmm, bacon-wrapped seal loin.

You Missed It: Understated celebration edition

Sad to say, but it’s the end of February, everyone’s favorite month. Not only is it cold and snowy, but it’s a month of great holidays everyone either loves or questions its existence, like Groundhog Day (Feb. 2), Valentine’s Day (Feb. 14), President’s Day (Feb. 15), and Waitangi Day (Feb. 6). It’s also the end of Black History Month, so say goodbye to ‘Glory’ on your cable’s OnDemand service. Now we get to say hello to March, which like a schizophrenic sex partner, comes in like a lion and leaves like a lamb, or vis versa. If you were busy having a sit-down with opponents to your health care reform plan, odds are you missed it.

At least they have one medal to cheer about
The Canadian women’s hockey team won gold medals in Thursday night’s game. They celebrated in the traditional Olympic manner during the medal ceremony. Then, a half hour later, they came back out onto the ice, this time wielding champagne, beer and cigars. The on-ice celebration is allegedly a common form of Canadian celebration. One of the players trying to drive the Zamboni? Not so much. In case you’re wondering, champions drink Coors Light and Molson Canadian (natch).

The $500 bathroom trip
Over 400 people became sick on a cruise ship in the Caribbean this week. Rather than a memorable cruise to some tropical location, the norovirus went on vacation with 435 of the 1,838 passengers, who basically saw more of the poop deck than anything else. What’s even more surprising, the ship on which the the outbreak of diarrhea occurred, Celebrity Cruise Lines’ “Mercury,” had two outbreaks last year. Let’s just say you want to stay away from the hot tub on that boat.

Moving forward–whether you want to or not
Akio Toyoda, the president of Toyota, (much like William C. Fort is the head of Ford) testified before Congress this week over the recalls his company has been hit with and the recent memos bragging about a 2007 deal with the federal government that have surfaced recently. During his testimony, Toyoda said the company will work hard to regain consumer trust and fix the issues. In other news, even this isn’t helping General Motors’ sales.

The McBournie Minute: When do I get to riot?

Pittsburgh and Los Angeles had a heck of a weekend, as I understand it. I didn’t watch either game, mostly because I don’t care about any of the teams, but I know how they turned out. Kobe Bryant has a non-Shaq-related ring, and Bing Sidney Crosby gets to carry around a big silvery cup for a day.

I’m not here to talk about the sports, I’m not even here to talk about why I don’t care about who won and who lost. No, I am here to ask–why not my city? When will I get a chance to burn a police car?

This has been a recurring theme in my life. I never end up living in the city of a championship team, and when one of my teams does win the championship of whatever sport it is they play, everyone heads downtown to climb a few lamp posts and smash some windows. Meanwhile, I’m hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: When do I get to riot?