Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?
Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.
Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.
From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading →
I’m pretty sure I’m just watching The Walking Dead so I know what the hell people are talking about. I know it’s one of the biggest shows right now, but it’s felt tedious for about half of its existence. It takes place in a world where only whiny or awful people are able to escape the zombie apocalypse. The group we follow keeps running into bad dudes at the beginning of each season, so they kill them off and torch their homes in every season finale. Each time, the heroes get harder to root for. The show isn’t working toward anything. It’s just there to keep moving, which it is happy to tell us in the speeches its characters make 30 times an episode. If you were busy avoiding spoilers this week, odds are you missed it.
Oppressive government fails to convict those it oppresses
Remember that group of white guys that took over a federal wildlife refuge for no clear reason and even fewer supplies? You know, the ones who were so oppressed by the federal government that they took their rifles and played soldier on federal land for a few weeks? Seven members of Y’all Qaeda, including the Bundy brothers, were acquitted on federal conspiracy and firearms charges. Any moment now, Donald Trump is going to brag about the seven votes he just got.
North Korean flag not red, just wine-stained
This week it was reported that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has quite a taste for alcohol. A Japanese sushi chef who recently visited Kim said he is drinking and eating as much as ever. He even boasted of drinking 10 bottles of red wine at one meal. Many question whether Kim suffers from alcoholism, but the real issue here is who drinks red wine with sushi?
Jesus’ tomb to be opened
Researchers in Jerusalem are excavating part of the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, what is believed to be the tomb of Jesus. They hope to open the tomb and make it available for tourists one day. But if you read the book, you already know Jesus isn’t in there.
Many a man has sat in church wishing he was at the bar watching football and drinking beer. For the lucky patrons of a Buffalo Wild Winds in Birmingham, Alabama, now they can do both.
A local church will hold a service at one of the sports bar locations there. This should work well, because everyone’s attention will be on the minister, rather than the dozens of 72-inch TVs that run throughout the building. Plus, when the team is down, bow your head and pray. Jesus won’t mind if his blood is Coors Light instead of wine, right? The real challenge will be holding off on breaking the seal until the service is over.
“I want to believe” is a rally cry for all UFO nuts, but what if aliens want to believe in God? Pope Francis said he’d totally baptize those aliens.
During Mass on Monday morning, the pope asked, “If, for example, an expedition of Martians arrived tomorrow, what would happen?” He then said if the little green men were moved by the Holy Spirit to be baptized in Jesus’ name, he would do it.
When the Lord shows us the way, who are we to say, ‘No, Lord, it is not prudent! No, let’s do it this way.’ Who are we to close doors?
Indeed, who are we to lower the blast shields or close the pod bay doors?
If you think you see Jesus or Mary in your grilled cheese or some other random thing you were about to eat, it turns out you’re not crazy. However, we’re still going to judge you.
Researchers in Toronto have found that the human brain is trained to find faces, so finding them in random objects it natural. In fact, something can only sort of resemble a face and your brain will still tell you it’s a face. It’s called “face pareidolia,” which sounds like a great insult in an argument.
Whether you choose to call the local TV news station and start worshiping that sandwich is up to you.
A year ago, Boston Bruins fans came together in the aftermath of the marathon bombing and sang the National Anthem as a group. This Easter, they booed Jesus.
During the first period of Game 2 between the Bruins and the Detroit Red Wings, a guy in the stands dressed as Jesus was spotted and put on the jumbotron. He blessed the crowd and everyone was happy. Just one period later, the Son of Man himself was escorted out by security, and boos followed him as he went.
When you think about it, Columbus Day is pretty strange. Let’s leave out that Christopher Columbus may not have been the first European to set foot in the New World. We can even leave out that he really just found the Caribbean, and that the indigenous people gave syphilis to Europe. Let’s also leave out that the holiday was once the Italian equivalent of St. Patrick’s Day. Does anyone really have that day off? Does anyone know how we’re supposed to celebrate it? If you were busy getting ready for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone starring in the same movie this week, odds are you missed it.
What would Jesus defund?
Just hours before the U.S. was going to default on its loans for the first time in modern times, Congress decided it might be a good idea to fund the government and raise the debt ceiling, regardless of what they think about ensuring the health of the citizenry. Just after the vote in the House, where all the problems came from, a stenographer decided it was a good idea to rant into the microphone about Jesus versus the evil Freemasons. This is what happens when people work without pay for more than two weeks.
Scientists announced this week that life on Earth almost ended in September and we didn’t even know it. Apparently, a big asteroid passed our favorite planet relatively closely, and the people who are supposed to be watching the skies for these kinds of things didn’t even know it existed. The good news is that the asteroid will be back in 2032, and scientists say it as a 1:63,000 chance to hitting us. So you may not want to wait on that bucket list.
‘Transformers: What Did the Five Fingers Say to the Face?’
Director Michael Bay, fresh off his Lone Ranger bomb, is shooting the next movie in the Transformers franchise. One the very first day of shooting, some guys, apparently high on something, harassed the crew, and eventually one tried to slap Bay, who ducked out of the way. Naturally, the incident was caught in slow-motion as a camera whipped around the pair a full 360 degrees. And buildings exploded.
Every now and then Jesus likes to show up in unexpected places. You know, in pieces of toast and things like that. But now our lord and savior has decided to enjoy a brew.
A man in Florida says he found Jesus, and oddly enough, he’s a fan of Corona Light. Fred Truluck was walking his dog when he spotted a fish-shaped piece of a case of beer. Jesus didn’t look like a fish, as everyone knows, but on the fish-shaped box was the outline of Jesus. Or perhaps it was just the outline of some other long-haired dude. We’ll never know.
In keepin’ with today’s Talk Like A Pirate celebration, ye might be thinkin’ that Jesus isn’t what you call “piratical.” But, he drank, hanged out on fishing boats and healed cripples, albeit it not with pegs and hooks.
So, with his pirate credentials smartly established, let’s look at his wife.