Jesus is back and he wants pizza

After taking nearly 2,000 years off, Jesus Christ has finally returned. And as it was foretold in scripture, He returned to break into a Pizza Hut in North Carolina.

In the wee hours of the morning, Christ broke a window at a Pizza Hut in High Point, N.C. and ate a pizza, washed down with a Mountain Dew. The Son of God, because He’s a pretty honest guy, then called 911 to report what he had done. He identified himself as Jesus Christ, and announced that He had some back to Earth. And lo, then the dispatcher asked him what He looked like. The King of the Jews replied, “I look like Jesus — what else am I supposed to look like?”

He then gave the dispatcher a message to spread to all of God’s children: “We’re tired of Judases on this Earth. We’re going to clean this Earth up.”

The unbelieving police officers soon arrested Him, and charged Him with breaking and entering and larceny. They even falsely booked Him under the name Richard Lee Quintero. This is God’s plan.

Jesus was a beer man

Every now and then Jesus likes to show up in unexpected places. You know, in pieces of toast and things like that. But now our lord and savior has decided to enjoy a brew.

A man in Florida says he found Jesus, and oddly enough, he’s a fan of Corona Light. Fred Truluck was walking his dog when he spotted a fish-shaped piece of a case of beer. Jesus didn’t look like a fish, as everyone knows, but on the fish-shaped box was the outline of Jesus. Or perhaps it was just the outline of some other long-haired dude. We’ll never know.

Jesus may have gotten booty, put a ring on it

In keepin’ with today’s Talk Like A Pirate celebration, ye might be thinkin’ that Jesus isn’t what you call “piratical.” But, he drank, hanged out on fishing boats and healed cripples, albeit it not with pegs and hooks.

So, with his pirate credentials smartly established, let’s look at his wife.

What vexes ye? Oh, ye didn’t know about Jesus’ wife? That’s because some university researchers just discoverrred an Egyptian text that makes reference to her. Feast yer deadlights on our Coptic copy right here:

“Jesus said to them, ‘Take the parable of my wife … please! Ha ha, just kidding, but seriously …'”

If it’s true and Jesus was married, then one thing’s fer certain: there be a ton of priests smacking their foreheads this morn’, wonderin’ why they’ve been buggering lads the whole time.

Blasphanimals! Repent your hairesy!

The War on Animals has always been contentious. But, animals have crossed a line and turned this into a holy war. We cannot stress this enough: animals have attacked Jesus.

A newly discovered — by white people, anyway — monkey species has the unmitigated gall to impersonate Jesus Henry Christ de Nazareth. Dubbed the “Lesula,” he lives in the Congo and somehow still knew what Jesus looks like before that lady helpfully restored that fresco in Spain.

But, that’s not all: snakes are mocking the virgin birth! Researchers caught female copperhead pit vipers in the U.S. proving immaculate conception “ain’t no thang,” performing the miracle almost at will. The offspring’s DNA is composed entirely of the mother’s genetics … which means snakes want us to believe God is a snake. Or some dude who impregnates snakes. Either way, it’s time to storm the Herpetology Consulate at your local zoo!

Jesus makes it rain

In life, there are times when actions taken honestly and wholeheartedly seem like the right thing to do. Perhaps it’s free will, perhaps there’s a guiding force behind why they’re done.

And then there are times when it might seem as if the actions taken are by divine choice. Especially when that action is to slink up and down a pole using only your leg muscles.

Jesus has never been so cool

I come from a small town, and when it celebrated its 250th birthday about a decade or so ago, all that went down was a gathering of local merchants around the track field down in the football stadium at the then only high school in the town. That’s not very baller of a birthday gift for when you turn super duper old, right?

But Västerås, a town in Sweden? They know exactly what to give themselves. The town recently turned the grand old age of 40, so what did Västerås get Västerås? An ice sculpture of Jesus.

It makes sense, given that Sweden is so blasted cold, and as such, Ice Jesus should be able to stay around for some time; however, come the summer time, when the temperature starts hitting the high digits and Ice Jesus turns into Water Jesus, it’s gonna take a bit longer than 3 days for him to come back.

Well, He did love the whores

Members of the Our Lady of Lourdes Church received a special visit from the Nassau County (N.Y.) Health Department. It appears that someone on the “manufacturing” end of the communion wafers turned out positive for hepatitis A. Health officials know who it is, but refuse to name any names.

Look, Nassau County. We’re not stupid. We know Whose body they’ve been eating.

But, fair enough. We’re satisifed so long as everyone’s vaccinated and somebody has a Father-Son-Holy Spirit talk.

Shroud of trailin’ sold separately

Jesus comes in many forms and flavors: buddy, raptor, animated, internet and historically accurate (aka, black, aka, real) are just some of the ways he appears. However, there might be a new one arising (in three days, of course)-trailer park.

A valuable relic, a small piece of wood said to be a part of the cross on which Jesus was crucified, was stolen from a Boston church. Investigators looked high, and investigators looked low, but nary a splinter could be found. Until a tip was given. Police then went to Vermont to find the relic. Where did they find it?

In a trailer park. Possibly right beside a bottle as well. And a rusting air conditioner window unit.

Richard Duncan, a partner in the burglary, called Vermont state police from a trailer park about the item as he was arguing with an accomplice about it. Said partner, Earl Frost, returned the piece of wood to the barracks, but has now, for all intents and purposes, disappeared, contrary to the desires of the police.

Just how valuable was this object?

Church officials estimated the relic’s street value at between $2,300 and $3,800, but said the item is “priceless” to the church.

Of course it was.


Post updated at 5:00 pm EST on June 15, 2010.

The Guys don’t pretend to understand God’s thinking, but it’s possible to extrapolate from this story that he doesn’t much care for the evangelical Solid Rock Church in Monroe, OH and what was their big honking statue of Jesus.

What we mean is that there are parables, and then there are direct f&%king messages in lightning and red font.

Now, if only he could smote Thomas Kinkade stores without burning down the entire mall ….

UPDATE (6/15/2010) Continue reading HOLY S#@T!