Dead bears do Knut wear plaid

Even though he's dead, Knut can still unwrap human bratwursts with his lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes.
Even though he’s dead, Knut can still unwrap human bratwursts with his lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes.

Knut, the German polar bear, is back from the dead! His taxidermied corpse is now blocking the entrance to the Berlin natural history museum, menacing all who dare learn about trilobites, ancient arrowheads or whatever Germans dig up in their backyards. (Traces of the camps where they eliminated all of the ancient Neanderthals?)

We warned you, Germany. When Knut’s mother abandoned him, we told you he was no good. When he turned on children, we told you it was too late to put the monster back in its cage. When he became a prima donna and wouldn’t perform his two shows daily, we told you that it was time to put him on an ice flow. And now that he’s dead, we told you to leave him be.

Sometimes dead is better.

Germans don’t care about black bears

So, the Germans’ (Germen’s?) obsession with polar bears has finally led to tragedy — well, funny tragedy because nobody died.

A woman jumped into the Berlin Zoo’s polar bear exhibit for unknown reasons during the bear’s Friday afternoon feeding. (Was she part of the feeding? Zoo officials say no … but only because there were witnesses.)

She was biten several times by an adult polar bear, briefly pulled out of the water by zookeepers and fell back in to be grabbed by possibly another bear. For those of you who might give a crap about her, she was pulled back out again with more lasting results.

If the topic of polar bears at the Berlin Zoo seems familiar, that’s because it’s the home of Knut, the bear everyone loved until he, like other child stars, grew up to be angry and violent. For all we know, this bear could have been Knut.

Knuts for publicity

Animal warriors, the situation in the Berlin Zoo has become worse than we imagined.

According to Markus Roebke, one of Knut’s handlers, the orphaned polar bear has turned from the priviledged-by-birth toast-of-the-town to “publicity-addicted psycho.”  The bear now becomes distressed when not receiving attention, whining and howling when it knows an audience is near.  Knut will now do anything, just to stay in the public eye.

Roebke’s analysis has been confirmed by an unnamed “prominent animal conservationist,” who declared Knut “an animal psychopath.”

Finally, this PR nightmare has come to an end.  It’s only a matter of time before Knut releases a pop album, flashes his Knuts during a wardrobe malfunction and, at the very end, “leaks” a grainy sex tape to the Internet.  Perhaps he’ll attempt one last performance on an awards show, but fail to live up to his younger, cuter days.  The rest of his days will be spent on one doomed, shallow marriage after another, generating more paternity tests than an episode of Maury.

Speaking of which: is it just us, or has Knut really packed on the pounds?  To think that we all wanted to have sex with him back in 2006.

Cuddly? We’re afraid Knut

This blog has covered the ongoing saga of Knut, the bear cub that was raised by Berlin zookeepers after his mother decided it would be better if he died.

One year later, and his feeding habits have changed as evidenced by this new photo.  (We’re guessing this child’s mother reached the same conclusion about her own offspring that Knut’s mother did.)

What’s interesting is that animal rights activists finally agree with us: “it would be better for him to die.” (Note: this quote is completely in context.)