Tag: money

New trend: wiping with cash

If you’re still spending cash these days, you’re doing it wrong. One in seven British notes are contaminated with fecal matter, six percent of which were categorized as showing “gross contamination — where the levels of bacteria detected were equal to that you would expect to find in a dirty toilet bowl.”

This means only one thing: the wealthy are wiping their asses with money, just to spread diarrhoeal infections to the other 99 percent in a game that they call “Trickle Down Economics.”

But, that’s not all: eight percent of all bank cards are also grossly infected, which means only one thing: the super rich have to withdraw toilet paper from the ATM, just like the rest of us.

Smooth move, Canada

Canada, you’re a country that’s much larger than the one you reside over top of. You’re fairly pleasant enough, but you enjoy a good beer, which is awesome! So why do you continue to give us reasons to make fun of you?

The insane rioting was ridiculous enough, but your money has always been a point of hilarity. A queen that you don’t really pay that much attention to? A beaver? A duck? Excuse me: loon.

The smart (and eventual) move for money is to switch to a check card like swipe system. It saves space and it doesn’t have stupid animals on it! So when we hear that you’re moving to a form of plastic money, I can’t help but be happy.

Annnnnd crestfallen. This is not what I meant by plastic money.

I can see their logic

We have a Dunkin Donuts located just across from the office where I work. It’s saved me many a long morning, as Chris needs his coffee. And sugar. And donuts. And munchkins (hooray for cannibalism!). For me, deliciousness tends to breed loyalty.

Sometimes it can also breed crime. A Dunkin Donuts in Massachusetts was robbed by three men armed with knives and a hatchet, which seems like a little bit of overkill for a Bavarian creme donut. The men confronted the two employees in the store and ran off with a paper bag. Inside were donuts.

While police feel that the robbers were under the presumption that the day’s earnings were in the bag, I’m pretty sure that the men knew jelly and creme filled goodness littered that magical bag. Heck, I’d be tempted to wear a balaclava into the site by office if it meant I’d get an extra munchkin or 20.

We’re rich!

Quick everyone, check your hundred dollar bills! What you have are limited edition objects-they’re real items!

I say this to you all because the government currently has a bit of a problem involving the green stuff (no, not the same problem that the state of California has been bringing up every two years). It would seem that the new bills that they printed, filled with all sorts of wacky and fantastic high tech security whatnots and doodads (industry terms, my friends in the information technology world tell me), might be just a wee bit too high tech for their own good. Sadly, this isn’t just a small batch of money either; no, we’re talking an amount to the tune of 1.1 billion.

The reasons for why this happened are unknown, and it’s being reported that the bills are currently being held in cash packs … for now. Who knows what fate might lie for these now government issue counterfeit bills?

Before we go, let me drop one more number on you: 120 million. That’s amount of money it took your federal government to print these bills that won’t be used. Let the ranting by the unwashed masses of the internet begin in the comments!

There are nicer ways to tip

Steve Wilson, who makes his living by picking up other people’s dog poop, stuck pay turd recently.

While cleaning up after some lazy pet owner’s mutt, he found $58 packed in pure, American dog s#@t. He cleaned up the bills, put them in a (presumably) clean plastic bag and returned them to the customer.

We’d like to remind our readers that Mr. Wilson is a professional. If you or someone you know finds a lost dog turd containing money, please deposit said stool at the nearest police precinct.

I forgot what?

HEY CITIZEN!

DO YOU WANT FREE MONEY? OF COURSE YOU DO!

PAY ATTENTION TO ME AND YOU’LL GET TONS OF CASH FROM THE GOVERNMENT EASILY AND FOR FREE! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS JUST FILL OUT A FORM CORRECTLY, NAMING YOUR ADDRESS!

Wait, what? You didn’t fill out your address correctly? As in, the place where you live? And by you, I mean over 41,000 Japanese citizens?

Lame.

Some people are born with good credit ratings

In these tough economic times (we’re trying to incorporate more cliches in our posts) you may need a loan. Also, you will probably learn a loan is not exactly easy to come by. Think it’s because you have bad credit? Think it’s because lenders are scared to lend to anyone right now because they think you peons are irresponsible and will just dump your mortgage back on the banks?

Wrong.

Turns out, if you’re not getting loans, you’re creepy looking, friend. According to a new study, how people look has a great deal to do with if the get a loan or not. For example, if you’re wearing an eye patch, you’re not getting a loan. However, if you’re wearing a monacle, get ready for the loan of your life!

You’re doing it wrong

A bunch of people who are no good at sex are claiming their replacement habits are better than “it.” Among the activities listed in the CNN article are:

  • Wearing sexy shoes
  • Hiking
  • Mountain climbing
  • Looking at a baby’s smile (pervert)
  • Receiving money or praise
  • Shopping
  • Public speaking
  • Fine dining

OK, so even if we’re gonna admit these things are really, really nice, there’s still one question: what if you’re having sex while doing all that stuff?

Porn has taught us one thing: it can’t be better than sex if you could improve it with sex. (Take that, skydiving!) (OR, take that skydiving.)

How To: Survive rising gas prices

Unless you have been living under a rather large stone as of late (if you have, how are you reading this, much less keeping the stone’s crushing weight off of you?) you know all too well the toll filling up your gas tank can have on your wallet. While following our advice on how to manage your money is undoubtedly saving you thousands per year, it still hurts to gas up. That’s why The Guys are here to tell you how to survive rising gas prices. Continue reading How To: Survive rising gas prices