Things are heating up in the War on Animals, although we have yet to hear from either presidential candidate on the issue. Abroad, it’s something leaders can’t ignore.
In Malaysia, a group of monkey committed an undeniable act of war. According to the Malaysian Army, the monkeys broke into a military base and stole confidential military documents. This is the animals’ equivalent of hacking. We don’t know what was in those documents, but we know the monkeys will use that information against mankind somehow.
Meanwhile, Norway nearly ready to declare war on slugs. The country’s socialist left party has proposed an hour where the entire country does everything it can to hunt down and kill Spanish slugs. As the name indicates, the slugs aren’t native to Norway. The war-like Norwegians are apparently so confident in their abilities that they need only one hour to drive the dastardly slug from their borders.
It’s nice to see countries get serious about this thing.
Here in America, we have laws keeping hunting grounds and zoos far apart from each other. In Norway, that’s apparently not the case.
A group of hunters in Norway were out in search of moose, their hunting dogs picked up a scent, and found some of the large creatures. One of the hunters took a shot and dropped one. A little while later, the group realized they were hunting at a zoo. Apparently, the hunter’s shot was so good that it got through a fence, passed through the moose he was aiming at, and then struck another one. He hit too moose in one shot.
Truly it was an amazing shot. But moose aren’t hard to hit because of their size, and when they’re fenced in, it’s even easier. It’s more like shooting fish in a barrel than big game hunting.
We’re back after taking a week off, so there’s a lot to catch up on. You’re in luck if you’re hankering for some poop news, specifically, Nordic poop news.
In Norway, authorities are searching for a serial pooper. For a decade, the Stavanger Golf Club has found human feces and used toilet paper on certain holes. All they know is that the person rides a bike, because of tracks in the dew on the course, and that it’s a man. How could they know that?
“We know it is a man because the poos are too massive to be from a woman.”
Let’s move on to Iceland. A national park with an unpronounceable name has long suffered from a lack of public toilets. Unfortunately it had led to public defecation. Worst of all, most of the pooping seems to be going on in a church yard where some famous poets are buried. Yet another reason not to go into poetry.
Norwegian reindeer are radioactive, according to a new study. And like the German boars, Norwegian reindeer acquired their powers from the Chernobyl accident. But for some reason, this year they’re more radioactive than usual.
This Christmas, skip NORAD and just track Santa Claus with a Geiger counter.
By now, the entire world has heard about Uruguay’s Luis Suarez’s biting of an Italian player during a World Cup match earlier this week. Even people in the U.S. have heard about it and saw the terrible jokes companies made on Twitter trying to capitalize on it. But have you heard about the bets?
If we could relegate this terrible war with the animals to just one country, believe you me, we would. It’d make it so much easier.
But our enemies? Our enemies would say thee nay.
Because no place is safe now. Not underground, not a normal neighborhood, not a lab, not even on the road. Not even in a fast food restaurant in Norway. Wounded otters are now entering fast food joints in the country, trotting in like some cranked-up biker and then picking fights with patrons like a Billy Zabka character in any movie he appeared in.
In the United States, restaurants have a sign that says “no shirt, no shoes, no service.” We will need to amend that sign to go worldwide, as a new sign needs to be shown: “no shirt, no shoes, no way is that wounded otter getting in here.”
Christmas is a time to give and to enjoy one’s friends and family. But it’s also a time to prove that one is better than someone else.
A village of 135 gingerbread houses in Queens, New York took the Guinness Book of World Record as the largest ever last month, setting off celebrations and parades such as the city has never known. However, the Norwegian city of Bergen says it should hold the throne, with a village of 1,990 houses and trains made out of gingerbread.
New York is a tough town, and they’re not going down without a fight. The city argues that the Norwegian village doesn’t qualify, because it wasn’t all made by the same recipe and the organizers aren’t able to produce all of the recipes used for it–a Guinness rule.
We’re pretty sure that Santa Claus is an American, otherwise he would have been deported many Christmases ago. So we’d like to think that the big guy is up there at the North Pole rooting for us. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Since it’s more or less hunting season for one animal or another throughout the fall and winter, it’s time for a reminder that sometimes the hunter can become the hunted, or just really need target practice.
In Norway, a man was out elk hunting, which is surprising, because it seems like they should be hunting reindeer instead. He carefully cocked his rifle, aimed at his prey, and we can only assume then closed his eyes and fired at random. Incredibly, he missed the elk, and instead hit a nearby cabin. The bullet traveled through the wall, into a bathroom, and struck a 70-year-old man who happened to be using the facility at that moment.
The man is in serious but stable condition in the hospital. The elk seemed to have gotten away. The guys are still suspicious that the elk tricked the hunter into such a terrible shot.
If you thought American public television was boring, no matter how many Dowtons they Abbey, then you haven’t seen boredom. No, for true, mind-numbing hours of marathon paint-peeling, you’ll have to go to Norway.
As a follow-up to their highly rated (no, really) continuous, uninterrupted eight hours on a train and then the sequel, 134 hours on a cruise ship, Norway changed things up on Friday by airing 12 hours of a wood-burning fireplace.
And like PBS’s 11-and-a-half hours long Civil War, the fire is based on a book, Norwegian bestseller Hel Ved, which its publisher claims outsold Fifty Shades of Grey this holiday season. We don’t know if there were slow pans and zooms onto certain flames, but there was narration from “firewood specialists providing color commentary” on “burning, slicing and stacking the wood,” along with “music and poems.”
It’s enough to make you wish they still made wood-paneled television sets.