Take it from Snee: Pros and cons of surviving 2011

Whenever I approach a new year, I like to take stock of what I survived. I like to think of myself less as a time traveler stuck in forward linear motion at an uninterruptible rate and more of a time warrior, cleaning out the runners of my time sword as I prepare to skewer another year.

So, here’s an entirely subjective list of what went right and wrong in 2011 before greeting Bolon Yokte as an old friend at midnight, Jan. 1. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Pros and cons of surviving 2011

Beginning to think this Bin Laden wasn’t a very good guy

It took ten years, but we were finally able to prove that Osama Bin Laden, religious zealot, was a total hypocrite.

The killer of thousands in the name of a religion that preaches peace was caught with pornography. Lots and lots of pornography. Scads of it.

If you sat in a room filled with it, you would be at least ankle-deep in smut, like if the room were bigger than a closet. Otherwise, maybe knee deep in a non-walk-in closet.

To put it simply, investigators found loads of porno in his bungalo. Porngalo? (“Porngalo” will work.)

So, rest assured, everybody: we finally found the evidence that will send Bin Laden to Hell.

Oh, the places you’ll blow up!

It’s tough being a parent because, no matter how much you drug your kids, they just won’t stop asking questions. This will be no different about the death of Osama bin Laden.

This is a complicated topic, especially with your hangover from last night’s grave-dancing, so The Guys put together a few ways to explain:

  • “Osama’s on a terror farm upstate, where he can bomb and bomb and bomb.”
  • “He was a bad man, and bad men are punished by the government. Now, did you do your homework?”
  • “Did your friends tell you he was dead? Because that’s just what they want you to think!”

Or, you could just wait for the movie to explain it to them.

You’re going down, Osama and Jimmy

A senior NATO official believes Osama Bin Laden may be living in a house in northwestern Pakistan, not in an Afghan cave as we previously thought. He further said that locals and Pakistani intelligence officials are protecting his location.

But, before we send the military rushing into yet another Muslim country, SeriouslyGuys brings NATO this breaking news announcement:

We have reason to believe that Bin Laden is neither in a cave nor in a house, but in the bedroom of one Jimmy Krapplewitz. Our intel indicates that Jimmy’s been hosting the 9/11 mastermind in his parents’ Great Falls, VA townhouse along with our Secret Wars #1, winning POG slammer and pictures of what may be Katey Jorkin’s mom’s boobs.

Go forth, you Coalition of the Willing! Go forth and bring our stuff back get that S.O.B.!

You Missed It: Big is the new small edition

I don’t know about you guys, but January has seemed like it’s dragged on. I’d say it’s felt easily like the longest month we’ve had this year. Let’s not forget that The Guys even took two days off this month. Ug. Anyway, it’s over now. If you were busy anticipating the Pro Bowl, you’re probably the only one, and you missed it.

I’m tired of being able type with two hands
Steve Jobs, god of all that is Apple, introduced the iPad, a much-rumored tablet computer thingy that got mixed reviews at best. You can’t multi-task, you have to use complicated wires to connect anything to it, and 3G coverage is extra (plus a monthly service fee). We don’t know about you, but we’ve been clamoring for a big-ass iTouch. Now if only there were some kind of feminine product joke to make.

And no one noticed Biden’s purple-ish tie?
The same day as the iPad’s unveiling, another grand presentation was made by another celebratedr presentation person: President Barack Obama. During his State of the Union address, Obama bashed a Supreme Court decision that opened the door for corporate campaign sponsorship. Justice Sam Alito(ooo) was caught on camera shaking his head and mouthing something that looked like “No way, that’s wrong.” Alito’s message was brought to you by Geico, a 15 minute call could save you 15 percent or more on car insurance.

Osama, Al Gore find common ground
In a statement, Osama bin Laden called for the oil industry to separate itself from using the U.S. dollar as its standard currency, he also said climate change is all America’s fault, because, you know, it’s not like his native Saudi Arabia is the leading oil exporter in the world or anything.

Enemy of our enemy still our enemy

We just bearly found him.For a Web site, we’re fighting a lot of wars. There’s the War on Animals, the War on Education, the War on Aliens (a.k.a. weatherballoons) and our national pasttime, the War on Terror.

It was only natural that they would eventually overlap like when a bear killed two Hizbul Mujaheedin in Kashmir that had hidden in its cave.

Nice try, bears. Those guys weren’t even the “kill America” variety, though part of the larger Taliban network in Pakistan and Afghanistan. For all we know, you only killed them to hide your own WMD (Weapons of Man’s Destruction) labs.

Moreover, two terrorists doesn’t make us jake one bit. Bring us the snuffled and honey-soaked head of Osama Bin Laden, though, and we’ll talk.

Until then, the enemy of our enemy is still our enemy.

Back to the ol’ drawing board

Well, it looks like our plan to appease Osama bin Laden by electing a secret Muslim has failed.

Bin Laden rolled out his greatest hits (presumably to chime in on I Love the War on Terror: 2003), indicating that the United States — the President in particular — is responsible for the Muslim world frowning on his shenanigans.

Blaming the U.S. president for his woes? Maybe he is turning American after all!

Warrior of the Week: The Federal Bureau of Investigation

You hope for it.

You pray, you beg, you plead day after day, and one day it all comes true. Folks, the FBI is on our side. They just put an animal rights activist on the Top Ten Most Wanted list. That means he’s up there with Osama bin Laden and some other dude who are probably really bad.

What’s important is that the federal government’s leading law enforcement agency is officially recognizing the threat that these radicals pose to the nation, and by extension, the world. Daniel Andreas San Diego (you know he’s bad, because he’s got four names) is a vegan, (GASP) and worse yet, is allegedly a member of a terrorist group and authorities say has bombed two buildings.

You thought we were kidding about this stuff, didn’t you?

Lincoln sees eight legs of terror but two fangs of death

Quick riddle: what’s got enough power to kill a person, is nothing but an inch long at most and loves to live where people are? Why, it’s the brown recluse spider that’s infested the Nebraska Vocational Rehabilitation Office in Lincoln, Nebraska.

Now, take that joke and multiply by approximately a gazillion.

Yes, it’s spiders gone wild down in Nebraska’s capital city. Workers in the office have valiantly been doing their part by killing hundreds of the arachnid terrorists, but sadly, it’s just not enough. Experts suspect that many of them are surviving simply by living in underground colonies.

What they do in their underground colonies, we may never know, but we can suspect a few things:

  • At least one of them is video taping plenty of messages to his fellow spiders.
  • Said leader may or may not have a “hide-out beard.”
  • Fornication between the spiders is a strong possibility.
  • Any act taking place in these underground colonies is evil.

Sadly, we can only speculate about the truth regarding what actually happens, because if we truly knew what went down in those dark, dank lairs of evil, it might shatter our entire world.

We’ve already seen one attack on our government offices this month alone. How many more will it take to end this threat, America?!

Did Osama hit the glass ceiling?

Let’s face it, this has not been the greatest decade overall, especially if you live in a cave. Then again, if you live in a cave, you’ve probably made a wrong choice or two in your lifetime. You know who made a wrong choice in his life? Osama bin Laden.

Yes, when he chose to run away from home, shun his step father’s wealth and make it on his own, he made a mistake. Maybe he wasn’t hugged enough, maybe he was having trouble getting used to a new house. (“You’re not my real dad, I declare a jihad on you!”) If he had never done that, perhaps his life would have been completely different. We may never know for certain.

What we do know is this: bin Laden will not be working as caretaker of Hamilton Island in Australia’s Great Barrier Reef. His application for the position was one of thousands. In it, he bragged of his familiarity with sandy places and experience with “large scale event coordination.” He even sent in the required video with his application.

But at last, bin Laden, you have been punished for the many bad life choices. No beach job for you!