Germans don’t care about black bears

So, the Germans’ (Germen’s?) obsession with polar bears has finally led to tragedy — well, funny tragedy because nobody died.

A woman jumped into the Berlin Zoo’s polar bear exhibit for unknown reasons during the bear’s Friday afternoon feeding. (Was she part of the feeding? Zoo officials say no … but only because there were witnesses.)

She was biten several times by an adult polar bear, briefly pulled out of the water by zookeepers and fell back in to be grabbed by possibly another bear. For those of you who might give a crap about her, she was pulled back out again with more lasting results.

If the topic of polar bears at the Berlin Zoo seems familiar, that’s because it’s the home of Knut, the bear everyone loved until he, like other child stars, grew up to be angry and violent. For all we know, this bear could have been Knut.

Unbearably perverse news from Nippon

If you thought this would be a slow news week, hold on to your butts, animal warriors.

Japan, which has had her share of animal menaces — from giant wasps to Gojira! — faces her worst threat yet.

One Tsuyoshi P. Bear was brought to the municipal zoo in the city of Kushiro in Hokkaido for one purpose only: to make sweet, sweet love to their female bear, Kurumi, so she could have puppies or something. (We’re not veterinarians.)

The only problem? Tsuyoshi is a Tsuyoko!

He’s a she. “Ko” is the traditional ending of a Japanese girl’s name. That joke kills in Japan. Just … whatever.

So, we have two female polar bears that are gay-married, destroying the sanctity of Japanese marriage. This is, clearly, the worst thing that has ever happened to the tiny island nation.

In related news, at least now we know why the polar bears are going extinct. Sarah Palin, Ted Stevens and ExxonMobil are off the hook.

What is it with the Germans and animals?

While we’ve been focusing on the Knut the man-eating polar bear story lately, it’s important to note that there are other animals in Germany. These animals are just as dangerous, not only because they are animals, but because they are German. We all know how it goes when the Germans get riled up about stuff, same goes for the animal population.

No better an example of German animals and their freaky German fetishes is there than a swan love story in Muenster. There, Petra the swan fell in love with a swan paddleboat in 2006. However, Petra was later separated from her unnatural love with a seagoing vessel, in hopes she would find a new mate. She did, but he flew off.

“A zoo statement says that Petra ‘appears to feel lonely’ and is swimming around in an agitated state. The solution? On Friday, she will be taken back to the nearby lake and her faithful paddleboat.”

Not only is this an abomination against God and the natural order of things, but it means Muenster will no longer have its main attraction, Petra the emo swan.