Especially when the art is a Steven Seagal movie. Note: this might be the truest form of an oxymoron.
Remember the Cold War? Everyone was all “Grr, snarl, I’ll get you Comrade Jerk-ski, Take that Capitalist Pig!” And then there was that whole nuclear standoff that has eventually put us where we are now. Which is to say, with the United States as the top dog and Russia still eating borscht. But hey, now we’ll never have movies like Hunt for the Red October. Right?
We’re not saying that Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is obsessed with his manly image, but even when he frolics, he only does so accompanied by a snow leopard.
There are rumors of Putin’s alleged
But all sources for these are no longer available for comment.
Due to the overindulgence of a few landlubber thieves on Wall Street, times be tough for Buccaneer-Americans of all shapes and sizes. But we be not the only ones keeping an extra eye on the treasure chest these days: the Brits and the Russians are lacking in the booty department.
In fancy-pantaloons England, parents no longer give their younger crewmates their fair share of the loot! Average pocket money for the little hearties fell from 6.24 pounds a week in 2009 to 5.89. 5.89!? How much grog can you get for a lousy 5.89? Certainly not enough for fresh, pink lights and livers.
And in Russia, where pirates drink vodka with their limes, the local constabulary’s shanghaied a debting lass’s Shar Peis! What’s next? Marooning malamutes? Lashing labradors? Keelhauling koolies? Wenching Welsh corgis?
We don’t really know the average age of our readers (not until we do our SeriouslyInquisitive Survey/Pop Up Ad, am I right?), but it’s safe to assume that the internet is getting younger. Or at least, the users on the internet are getting younger. That’s to be expected, what with more people using it every day. Unfortunately, that means a lot of the users may not know about Russia.
You see young bucks, Russia used to be a fearsome foe back in the day (also known as the far flung past of the 1980s), stopping arguments among their people with an iron fist left and right. But as of the past 20 years, things haven’t quite been like that. In order to mesh with the rest of the world, Russia is now a shadow of that creature.
Or is it?
An environmental group was planning to protest Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, but that plan was ended when they lost their research data. Authorities used the pretext of searching for pirated Microsoft software in order to take the computers. This operation has been going on more and more recently, and Microsoft has no qualms with it; in fact, they’re even assisting in it. The evil empire may be back, and it’s all thanks to another former evil empire.
Kentucky Fried Chicken, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut, all owned by Pepsi spinoff Yum! Brands, are gaining ground on McDonalds in China, India and Russia. With 37,000 restaurants in 110 countries, Yum! is the world’s largest restaurant chain in terms of outlets and its growing in popularity overseas, bringing in more money every year. That’s a lot of saturated fat.
Yum! opened its first KFC in China, near the infamous Tiananmen Square, 23 years ago, and its decision to hit the ground early in China (McDonalds opened in China in 1990) has given it an edge over the competition.
The company has more than 70 KFCs in India and 160 Pizza Huts, which sort of makes sense. In a country that (essentially) shuns the consumption of beef, giving a trans-fat filled alternative is a fairly smart idea. The company says it will have 1,000 outlets by 2015, employing 50,000 people around the world and bringing in $100 million in profits. Hope you’ve got a hankering for triple protein pizza sauce bun-sticks.
This is bad news, nothing short of the launch of Sputnik. Folks, we have fallen behind in the space race. A crew of six scientists, three Russians, a Frenchman, a guy who’s Colombian and Italian and a Chinese guy are going to Mars.
OK, well actually, they are just locking themselves in a windowless capsule for a year and a half to see if they can make the time that it would take to go from Earth to Mars. The worst part is that they are all wearing RED. We might as well drop moon landing photos in Moscow to remind them who’s boss.
I don’t like to brag too much about my military record. For one thing, it’s not very conducive to my online comedy career. I want you to laugh with me, not laugh because–if there’s a way for a former Space Green Beret to reach through your monitor–I’ll thumb-gouge your eyes out.
But, with the recent attacks on Connecticut Democrat senatorial candidate Richard Blumenthal and U.S. Representative Mark Kirk (R.-Ill.) that call their military careers into question, I feel it is time to stand up with these brave men.
By “stand up,” I mean to tell my own story, which is so incredible that it can only prove their claims are no less preposterous. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando
The owner of a museum dedicated to former top Commie and 31-consecutive-year mustache champion Josef Stalin was electrocuted and bludgeoned to death at a tennis court.
Police are still looking for a motive, having already dismissed one theory that the man’s lime green ski cap confused tennis players. Even former KGB tennis enthusiasts have long abandoned the practice of tasing balls before game time.
Once investigations are over, he will be buried in honor of his life’s work: in an unmarked grave and quietly erased from history.
Ladies and gents, as a news blog, there are some moments in time that make everything worth it. Sometimes, life can be rough, but it’s okay once you get that one headline.
This is that moment and this is that headline.
After eight months of wheeling and dealing, U.S. and Russian negotiators have reached an accord on nuclear disarmament. (No, it’s not total disarmament, which is why they met at all.)
The deal must be signed by President Barack Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev before arsenals are redistributed to friendly regimes slashed, which we imagine will go a little something like this:
OBAMA: OK, now it’s just time to sign …
MEDVEDEV: You sign first.
OBAMA: … After you.
MEDVEDEV: No, no. I insist.
OBAMA: Alright, we’ll sign it together on the count of three. One … Two …
MEDVEDEV: Wait! Do we sign on three or after, like “one, two, three, sign?”
OBAMA: Well, I said “on the count of three,” so on three. Acceptable?
MEDVEDEV: Da.
OBAMA: OK, on three. One … Two … THREE!
[…]
OBAMA and MEDVEDEV: YOU DIDN’T SIGN! HAHAHAHAhaha-ha ah-ha.
OBAMA: OK, on three …
