Tag: seals

Canada: Badass?

Canada may be sort of douchey, especially when it comes to hockey. They’re all, “This is our national sport, we should win the gold medal.” And we’re all, “Hey, we like that game played with the ice and the stick thingies, too!” But you have to grant them one thing: they know how to piss off animal activists and send a message to our foes.

Seals present one of the biggest threats to our kind that we have ever seen. Canada is leading the way in battling them. They included seal skin the the uniforms of their Olympic athletes, they make the English eat fresh seal hearts, and they even eat seal meat.

Now, the Canadian Parliament is going to up the stakes by eating seal meat to fight a European Union ban. Mmmm, bacon-wrapped seal loin.

London 2012, here we come!

We’ve been telling you about how the 2010 Vancouver Olympic games are going to be a little different because of the PETA/Canada seal controversy. Well, it seems England is not to be outdone by one of her Commonwealths (Commonwealves?).

In the summer of 2012, the world’s top athletes will head to London (England) for another Olympiad. The only thing is, they’ll be competing on an ancient burial ground. Forty-five severed skulls were found in the ground on a road that is being built for the new Olympic complex, and they may date back to the first century AD, when the Romans were in town.

So let’s get ready for the Haunted Olympics! Say, has anyone reserved that title, I smell a made-for-TV movie!

Eat your heart out, animals!

We think of Canada as a bunch of wusses, but in reality, they are downright scary. Luckily for us, they are also our closest allies.

PETA (People for Egregious Treason and Animals) and other traitorous organizations have sharply criticized Canada for its annual seal hunt. The groups fail to see the reason baby seals must be killed. Perhaps they would better understand if a baby seal snuck into their house at night and dragged off their children. It happens in Canada all the time.

In an act of defiance to all critics, a Canadian official gutted a freshly-killed seal, pulled out its heart and ate it raw. If that’s not a clear message, this blog has no idea what is. The official was actually Governor General Michaelle Jean. A governor general is like the Queen’s representative to England’s territories, so basically it’s like Queen Elizabeth herself ate the heart. Good show!

The heart-eating was not just to make our enemies think that Canada is bats&$t insane, but it was a message that, and this is true, traditional seal hunting is indeed humane.

“After eating the heart during a stop in Nunavut’s Rankin Inlet, Jean wiped her blood-soaked fingers with a tissue.”

Leeeeee-roy Clubbings!

Hey, you! Yeah, you, the one with the Cheetos-dust covered fingers and the addiction to Wow!

No, the other one. No, the other other one. OK, fine, whatever, all of you.

PETA wants you. They’ve decided that Canadian seal slaughter has gone on long enough, and rather than chain every single member of the terrorist animal rights terrorist (sorry, I had it right the first time) group to an iceberg, they instead will take their protest signs and paint to a digital front-the land of Warcraft.

A call to arms was placed on PETA’s official blog for this weekend, asking people to take part in a fight against four Horde players that apparently kill seals for their luxurious fur. Their soft, sweet, delicately luxurious baby seal fur.

“Thrall refused to ban the slaughter of seals, despite multiple requests from the Alliance to do so, because Orgrimmar stands to make a large profit from the fur,” reads the posting.
“Activists from across the Eastern Kingdoms and Kalimdor are banding together to put a stop to the atrocious seal slaughter. Anyone who slaughters baby seals for their fur must surely be in service to the evil Lich King.”

Good googaly-moogaly, this is good. Like, super-nerdy-ultra-lame-good. Sadly, from what I gather from friends, PETA did not choose a Player versus Player server for their protest. As such, no true internet drama can be created. ALAS!

SeriouslyGuys would just like to let the Horde players being protested know that, despite being both Canadian and super nerdy, you’re very much welcome in the United States. We know that you’re just doing your part in the War against Animals to make sure that these seals don’t end up becoming monsters of the oceans.