Pip-pip Cheerio and all that jazz

This is just as disappointing as last year's Valentine's Day.Between Cheerios claiming on the box that it cures heart disease and people claiming they’re under attack by President Obama, we’re starting to wonder when cereal became more than a container for free decoder rings.

Seriously? We’re worried about Cheerios?

What about Lucky Charms’ uncontested claim that they’re a magical part of a complete nutritious breakfast?

Or how about Frosted Flakes’ criminal lack of warning that too much of it before soccer results in on-field vomiting?

What? Just sayin’.

Pip-pip, cheeri-oh CRAP!

Me: So, it seems that Britain could have been an Iceland before Iceland.

Everyone reading at home: WHUH?

Yeah, so, yesterday, Iceland’s government kind of went kaputski due to major economic issues. Posers. It now seems that the entire United Kingdom’s banking system was simply 180 minutes away from imploding. As in, three quarters of a football game.

Real football, everyone else of the world. None of that soccer nonsense.

Anyways, it would seems that people dropping tons of money into the banks earlier were also attempting to pull that money out, come hell or high water. Since this nearly collapsed the British banking system, think of this in large, massive scale amounts of money being taken away all at once.

So, what could this have meant for the rest of the world?

In three hours, we almost saw Atonement turned into Oliver Twist.

There’s a chaos theory joke in there somewhere

They call it Old Media for a reason. (It’s old.) It’s slow, outdated and turned into such a massive conglomeration that it can’t move as nimbly as it did in the pioneering days of David Strathairn Edward R. Murrow. Print media is going the way of the woolly mammoth. Wait–that might not be such a bad thing.

Though we’ve been talking about it for years, the media is just catching on to the whole “science could bring back the mammoth and kill us all” thing. Well, not all media, just the English, who can’t be trusted anyway.

The hard-hitting journalists of the Land of the Anglos sought to find out if it’s really worth bringing back the woolly mammoth, a species our relatives killed off for us along ago.

“It’s like asking if we could play the next World Cup on the Moon – yes, but the money needed would be unbelievable,” says Professor Barry Fuller, an expert in low-temperature science and tissue preservation at University College London. “Better to focus on conserving the animals we already have.”

Fuller, we don’t know you personally, but we don’t like you. First off, soccer is boring enough as it is. The last thing we need is for it to be played in a low-gravity setting. Think about how many balls would go out of bounds and just keep going.

Secondly, no, it’s not a good idea to conserve the animals we already have. That money would be better spent eliminating the animals we already have. It’s called the war effort, Fuller. Get with it.

Too many balls on the field

Americans just don’t care about soccer. Maybe it’s the fact that we didn’t invent it, maybe it’s the fact that they don’t serve alcohol at the games in Europe, maybe it’s the lack of anything ever happening in an average game. Whatever the reason may be, the “rest of the world” (oh yeah? Then where’s Canada?) loves the sport, but that is because the rest of the world is clinically insane.

An Italian soccer team lined up for a free kick (they give them away for free because they’re not worth much) and dropped their shorts, trying to block the goalie’s view of the ball. This is the first time in professional sports where someone has intentionally dropped their pants since the 1926 U.S. Open, when Archibald “Crazy Pants” Fitzgerald dropped trou in an attempt to distract Bobby Jones while he was making a putt on the 15th green.

How To: Fake sports knowledge

“Hey, did you catch the game last night?”

“Oh, uh, yeah! Wow.”

“I know! I’m just glad Philly beat Tampa after that stupid call last time.”

“Yeah, who do the Bucs think they are? Good to see the Pirates get their due. So when’s the championship game?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna go over there now. If the wrong person sees me talking to you, I’m socially-obligated to beat you up.”

Was this your day?

If so, then it’s obvious that you don’t watch sports at all, which is fine, you know, since you were so busy with that manga marathon. Read on to learn how to fake sports knowledge (before some coworker beats you up in front of your boss). Continue reading How To: Fake sports knowledge

‘You’ll never take me alive … or clothed!’

You’ve got to like a story that’s got everything you want in it. Women, nudity, stockings and soccer are always ingredients for a good tale-OK maybe not so much that last one, but hey, three out of four ain’t bad. Except, what happens when you throw in a few more elements, such as crime, Germany, slurry and manure? Well, not only do a less appetizing story, you’ve also got a recent event. Such as …

… two women walk into a farm in Germany. No, this isn’t the start of a bad joke … well, maybe. Anyway, said ladies decide to steal for their own want. What do they take, though? Manure. Cow-poo. Dung. Crap. A word we can’t say on the front page of this website. Yes, the classy broads begin filling stockings with the manure. Why? Their purposes were sinister! It was suspected that they wanted to bomb the area in an incident related to a recent soccer match! Diabolical!

Unfortunately, as many are wont to do, one of the ladies slipped into the manure tank. This spelled the end of their crime reign due to police then found one of the ladies clad only in her undergarments while it’s suspected that the other ran off naked as the day she was born. German porn is always the weirdest.

War at home and abroad

Tennis is not only one of the games you can play on a Wii, it is one of the most popular racket-based sports in Western culture (right after racket puck and racket futbol). But in England, one of the sport’s most hallowed events, Wimbledon, is under attack by pigeons.

Yes, pigeons like to land on the court during matches, but the Brits have a solution that we proudly endorse: shoot the bastards. That’s right, snipers will be employed at Wimbledon to take out pigeons before they can land or make one of their treacherous carpet bombs all over your shirt. If that does not work, we recommend calling in sportsman and proud warrior Randy Johnson.

Here at home, Americans are being attacked doing things we all do regularly. For example, checking the mail can even be dangerous. A New Hampshire woman received quite a shock when she found a non-poisonous corn snake in her mailbox. Worst of all, it did not have the required postage. We all know gerbils are sneaky, lethal pets ready to snap and maul the children. In Utah, a gerbil is being blamed for an accident when it escaped from its cage as its teen owner was transporting it in her car. Two people were sent to the hospital, the gerbil has yet to be charged.

This could get Americans interested

Apparently there’s some soccer thing going on in Europe right now. I would ask my Colombian roommate more about the “football” tourney he is watching so carefully, but it is just too hard to listen and not nod off. The only thing that can make soccer less exciting is when it’s women’s soccer. But the Europeans are taking a mud wrestling-style approach to the game right now.

The (unofficial?) Austrian and German women’s teams played in nothing but thongs yesterday, showcasing “das booben.” Austria won 10-5, a score which probably broke the scoreboard.

The Germans took defeat sportingly and joined their opponents for alcopops and dancing at a beach club alongside the Danube.

“I was supposed to hold the balls but I really have no idea how to do that,” said German keeper Jana Bach.

Wait, Reuters, is this a prank story?