Tag: taliban

What do Jenny McCarthy and the Taliban have in common?

You know when you think you have a great idea because nobody’s doing it, and you find out it’s because the Nazis did it, giving you that oogie feeling Indiana Jones got after discovering his girlfriend was a Nazi and banging his dad? Anti-vaccine people, get ready to feel oogie: the Taliban has banned polio vaccines.

In a choice between airstrikes and polio, Taliban militants in North and South Waziristan, Pakistan, have chosen polio. They will prevent health workers and volunteers from immunizing an estimated 280,000 children until the U.S. halts drone airstrikes in the region. So, it’s not because they believe that vaccines cause illness, which is surprisingly scientific for a group of backwards religious fanatics.

But, let’s not get congratulatory here. As Taliban commander, Hafiz Gul Bahadur says, the drone strikes “are worse than polio,” which is a pretty bold statement from a guy who can probably walk. Still, we’re sure this decision won’t hurt their future recruiting at all, so long as they’re comfortable with the next generation Rascal scooter bombing infidels.

He’ll hear from Obadiah Stane’s lawyer

Wang Kang is a man on a mission.

That mission is not to stop crime.
That mission is not to commit crimes.
That mission is not to impress his colleagues.
That mission is definitely not to get laid.

Wang Kang’s mission is to build a replica of the Iron Man MK-1 armor from the beginning of Iron Man (Vietghaniban terrorists not included) out of foam, wires and tubes (he almost had the ingredients that were used to put together the first internet), and then, successfully wear it to his job.

MISSION COMPLETE.

Americanization: complete

If there were any doubts about our progress in the war in Afghanistan, let us assuage them right now. Combating Afghan and Taliban forces trash-talk each other before and during firefights over the radio, the Taliban often accusing the Afghans of loving Obama.

Does it sound like our own political discourse? SeriouslyGuys translated these radio transmissions during a skirmish so that you can decide for yourself:

AFGHAN: Put down your weapons.

TALIBAN: Bah, typical Obamabot, trying to take our guns!

AFGHAN: We don’t want your guns. We want you to stop fighting and join the discussion about how to run this country.

TALIBAN: Yeah? You want to run Afghanistan as a Muslim nation like the Founders intended?

AFGHAN: Well, although the Founders may have been Muslim, our original ancestors in the region were most likely Zoroastrian, and we’ve also had periods in our history where we were predominantly Hindu or Buddhist …

TALIBAN: War on Islam!

AFGHAN: –what?

TALIBAN: You want to outlaw Islam!

AFGHAN: What? No. Dude, we’re mostly Muslim, too. Besides, Islam takes up, like, 99% of the population. You’re not exactly oppressed. We’re OK with you being devout Muslims, but let’s keep it out of the government.

TALIBAN: So you’re proposing an amoral government!

AFGHAN: Really? When you people were in charge, you used religion to justify keeping women covered, uneducated and pregnant. What kind of moral government is that?

TALIBAN: You-you’re just in love with Obama!

AFGHAN: No, we don’t love him. We just think he has some good ideas, but we don’t necessarily trust that the United States has all of our best interests at heart. [Emphasis theirs. The spoken Pushtin language pronounces italics.]

TALIBAN: Keep drinking that Kool-Aid, Obamabot! Where’s your messiah now?!

AFGHAN: What’s “Kool-Aid?”

TALIBAN: HEAR MY VOICE! HEAR MY VOICE, SECRET CHRISTIAN RADIO OPERATOR!

[Gunfire erupts, interspersed with cries of “Allahu Akbar.”]

(Special thanks to slantsmcgtee.)

Ask your local terror provider for ‘Al-Qaeda’

They may be officially called “adhesive bandages,” but no matter who makes ’em, we still call them “Bandaids.” It’s not a tissue, it’s a “Kleenex.” We didn’t hold up the liquor store with an “assault rifle,” we used our trusty “Kalashnikov.”

And, as demonstrated by our invasion of Iraq, the U.S. doesn’t respond to “terror,” but to “Al-Qaeda.”

However, if your local terror provider didn’t carry that brand of Al-Qaeda terror we’ve grown to fear and trust, then have we got news for you: the Kings of Dramedy (“It’s funny and sad because it’s true!) are going into syndication to help spread their brand into previously untapped markets.

That’s right: if you’ve had to put up with generic Taliban (more like “Talibland“) and Lashkar-i-Taiba (more like “Lashkar-i-Suck“) terrorism, then don’t despair! Namebrand terror is on its way!

Enemy of our enemy still our enemy

We just bearly found him.For a Web site, we’re fighting a lot of wars. There’s the War on Animals, the War on Education, the War on Aliens (a.k.a. weatherballoons) and our national pasttime, the War on Terror.

It was only natural that they would eventually overlap like when a bear killed two Hizbul Mujaheedin in Kashmir that had hidden in its cave.

Nice try, bears. Those guys weren’t even the “kill America” variety, though part of the larger Taliban network in Pakistan and Afghanistan. For all we know, you only killed them to hide your own WMD (Weapons of Man’s Destruction) labs.

Moreover, two terrorists doesn’t make us jake one bit. Bring us the snuffled and honey-soaked head of Osama Bin Laden, though, and we’ll talk.

Until then, the enemy of our enemy is still our enemy.

Pakistani Taliban week late with Obama, Nobel jokes

Snug as an oppressed bug in a rug.Man, talk about issuing a fatwa on a dead horse.

The Pakistani Taliban criticized the Norwegian Nobel Committee for giving the Nobel Peace Prize to U.S. President Barack Obama. They unconstructively suggested giving him the “Villain of Peace Award,” which does not exist and–even if it did–could not field nominations until next year.

The Taliban’s peace credentials include supporting and sponsoring terrorism, wrapping women in Snuggies in the desert and religious intolerance.

Other critics of the award have not renounced and denied affiliation with the Taliban at this time.

Aussie Aussie Aussie Ugh!

Not to get too political, but we here at SG love our troops. We think the world of them; however they’re only fighting a war on one front. They should probably be happy about that, as they might be the only country to do so. Australia, though, they’re fighting a war on two fronts: the Taliban and the Dutch.

Oh yes, those brave Australian soldiers have been silently putting up with both the Taliban and the most vile villain of all: Dutch cuisine.

Australia recently rushed a crack skilled team of cooks to Afghanistan in order to create authentic “Aussie” food for the soldiers. Why? Because their mess hall had been previously run by a bunch of Dutch cooks. Honestly though, it can be understood. I mean, hete bliksem (boiled potatoes and green apples)? Boerenkoolstamppot (kale mixed with potatoes, gravy, mustard and rookworst)? I’m not saying that I’m an astounding cook, but I can barely pronounce the names of these dishes, much less create any desire to eat them.

Don’t worry though, Australia. Soon you shall be reunited with such delectable foods of your native land, such as fairy bread, chiko rolls and roasted kangaroo.

Back to the ol’ drawing board

Well, it looks like our plan to appease Osama bin Laden by electing a secret Muslim has failed.

Bin Laden rolled out his greatest hits (presumably to chime in on I Love the War on Terror: 2003), indicating that the United States — the President in particular — is responsible for the Muslim world frowning on his shenanigans.

Blaming the U.S. president for his woes? Maybe he is turning American after all!