Beware of Australo-fascists!

Something nefarious is happening in Australian schools.

Last week, Kalgoorlie-Boulder Community High School students were assigned a project–a terror project to be exact. The assignment was to plan a chemical and/or biological attack designed to inflict the most civilian deaths possible.

We took that news with a grain of salt because, if there’s one way to make sure teenagers don’t do something, it’s to assign it as schoolwork. (This is why we still haven’t read The Red Badge of Courage.)

But now–NOW–a Catholic school in Perth gave its top costume award to a nine- or ten-year-old boy dressed as Hitler!

We’re not saying it’s time to distrust all Australians in your midst as potential terror Nazis, just any that seem particularly interested in Hitler, terrorism, scapegoating and your television.

Take it from Snee: How to avoid terrorism

So, I was off last week. What you may not realize is that I was off from my mild-mannered job, too. (By day, I am not the debonair man of Internet taste and karate that you admire.)

When I returned–with their blessing–to work on Monday, I discovered two reference materials in my inbox:

  1. The latest guide to surviving hurricanes from the NOAA.
  2. This year’s Joint Chiefs of Staff Anti-terrorism Guidebook.

This week’s column is not about hurricane safety. As someone who lives close to the Tennessee border and an entire state away from the Atlantic, hurricanes are no joke to this funny guy. If a hurricane ever made landfall and didn’t downgrade to a tropical storm this far inland, then it is time to enjoy my last orgy on Earth.

No, it’s about terrorism and–if you don’t like it–how to avoid it. Continue reading Take it from Snee: How to avoid terrorism

Fox News finally has a true online rival

It took nearly 10 years since they exploded on the New York scene, but Al-Qaida has finally gotten their particular brand of propaganda translated into the English language.

The terrorist group–accept no substitutes–launched their English language Web ‘zine, Inspire, on Tuesday. They’ve even taken a note from infidel fashion magazines with their feature article, “How to Make a Bomb in the Kitchen of Your Mom.”

(Unlike Maxim, it’s not a clever title about impregnating MILFs, but literally about making bombs with common kitchen items … though they belong to your mom and you shouldn’t know how to use them if you’re a fundiemoron.)

We’d like to welcome Al-Qaida to the Internet, and wish nothing them nothing but our thoroughly CIA-investigated best!

Muslim Scholar: Terrorists can go to hell

It looks like not everything is booming (eh?) in the terror business.

Tahir ul-Qadri, a London-based Muslim scholar and founder of Minhaj-ul-Quran, has issued a fatwa–or religious ruling–against suicide bombers. Over 600 pages, he determined that killing people is bad, no matter the reason, and that you may not pass Go or collect 72 virgins, but go straight to hell.

However, don’t get so glum, Mopey Mutallah. If you’re angry and disenfranchised, you can still get into heaven the old fashioned way: being a judgmental, hypocritical prick.

New Yorkers’ tough talk after 9/11 just that

You ever known somebody from New York, particularly from the city? If so, then you’ve probably heard all the talk that comes from New Yorkers: being raised on the mean streets, being able to make it anywhere and–after 9/11–tougher than any terrorist.

After intense bipartisan pressure from U.S. officials, NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg and the relatives of 9/11 victims, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder and President Barack Obama are now considering alternative sites for the trials of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and four of his alleged co-conspirators.

Those “tough guys” from “the streets” have suggested safer places, including U.S. military bases and West Point, for five men that have been tortured and held in tiny cells for almost a decade.

So, the next time you have to listen to an obnoxious New Yorker, or even a plain-old Yankees fan, brag about what a badass they are and how New York eats people up and spits them out, let them vent. It’s all they have left.

Ask your local terror provider for ‘Al-Qaeda’

They may be officially called “adhesive bandages,” but no matter who makes ’em, we still call them “Bandaids.” It’s not a tissue, it’s a “Kleenex.” We didn’t hold up the liquor store with an “assault rifle,” we used our trusty “Kalashnikov.”

And, as demonstrated by our invasion of Iraq, the U.S. doesn’t respond to “terror,” but to “Al-Qaeda.”

However, if your local terror provider didn’t carry that brand of Al-Qaeda terror we’ve grown to fear and trust, then have we got news for you: the Kings of Dramedy (“It’s funny and sad because it’s true!) are going into syndication to help spread their brand into previously untapped markets.

That’s right: if you’ve had to put up with generic Taliban (more like “Talibland“) and Lashkar-i-Taiba (more like “Lashkar-i-Suck“) terrorism, then don’t despair! Namebrand terror is on its way!

Was Rick Snee right again?

Last Wednesday, columnist Rick Snee gave it to you about the pronunciation of “2010” (again). And while he routinely projects volleys of predictions in these pieces, hoping one of them may stick, it appears he’s on the cusp of being right.

On the topic of future wars in the “Twenty-Ten” chain of events, he said the following:

“But, the Future War could be with anyone or anything. Imagine fighting aliens! Or time travellers! Or maybe even Communazis! Could the British want revenge for losing Samoa in 1900?! We can only hope!

Not one week later, the Yemeni government said that Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian charged with attempted unChristmaslike crotch behavior on a plane bound for Detroit, was “radicalised and recruited by al-Qaeda while a student in London.”

London. As in London, England. That’s where British people come from.

It appears that the U.K. is harboring terrorists. Sounds like invadin’ time to us!

Their first album was better, they’re sellouts now

Remember when the terrorists were angry, angst-ridden, had poor hygiene and general hatred of everything that is America? Yeah, man. It was 2001, and terrorism was the scene. I remember hearing about new and emerging terrorist groups on TV that were gaining popularity with their anti-corporate message.

It was just like grunge music.

And like grunge music, the harder, angrier side has given way to a less secure, depressed undertone. While modern terrorism today claims its roots in the good old days, it has grown into something that would make Kurt Cobain roll over in his infidel grave.

Just look at Umar Farouk AbdulMutallab, the man authorities say tried to blow up a plane on Christmas. Only a few years ago, he was a lonely, pitiful, confused teenager reaching out to Muslim chat forums for friends.

“‘First of all, I have no friend[s],’ he wrote in another online post with informal, imperfect grammar. ‘Not because I do not socialise (sic), etc but because either people do not want to get too close to me as they go partying and stuff while I don’t. or they are bad people who befriend me and influence me to do bad things.

‘i have no one to speak too, no one to consult, no one to support me and i feel depressed and lonely. i do not know what to do.'”

He allegedly can’t even set his underwear on fire correctly. Emoooooooooo.

Game over, man! Game over!

It's Pat!Believe it or not, there’s an actual method to TSA screening beyond searching for 3-ounce shampoo bottles.

Their screening manual was leaked online, and includes possible methods for defeating airport security measures like using a wheelchair or wearing a cast or orthropedic shoes.

Really? They don’t suspect the disabled despite the 1993 World Trade Center bombing being planned by a blind guy and the retarded fundamentalists that try to light their shoes on fire? I guess the TSA has a cutoff point for “too disabled.”

The only thing that disappoints us about this story is that they don’t explain why other methods are used in the first place, like banning Swiss Army knives. Have you tried to open one in a moment of passion? It takes three tries just to extend a useful tool, and even then, it’ll probably be a magnifying glass or can openner.

TSA floods U.S. streets with dangerous weapons

You're only worth protecting if you've paid for airfare, citizen.Since Sept. 11, 2001, TSA has seized dangerous weapons–like pocket knives, nail clippers and miniature Louisville baseball bats–to protect flight crews and passengers from the very real threat of terrorism.

But what happens to these dangerous 3-ounce or larger liquids and other jihadist materials once seized? We’d like to think they’re analyzed by security and counterterrorism experts to predict and combat future attacks. Or even destroyed in the very same crucifices that brought terror into our world.

We’d like to think that, but that’s not the case. Instead, TSA gives them away to state agencies that sell them for cheap to retailers and on eBay.

So, just like how we sponsored the Mujahideen back in the 1980s, it’s only a matter of time before our corkscrews strike us when we least expect it. Thanks a lot, TSA.