Tag: texas

One ant, two ant, fire ant, crazy ant

Never before has the phrase “the enemy of my enemy is my friend” been more true to our great and noble race than now, fellow humans. Those horrid monsters, the fire ants, have plagued our land for far too long. With bites more fearsome than those belonging to a gnat, their stings even sting the nostrils! Fear not, though, as we now have a new ally … crazy ants?

It would seem so.

Crazy rasberry ants (greatest name ever or GREATEST NAME EVER?) have begun swarming the Texas countryside.

“The good news? They eat fire ants, the stinging red terrors of Texas summers.”

The bad news? They live. And I’m not talking about the Rowdy Roddy Piper movie. Oh, and they also bite humans as well and strangely enough, electrical equipment. So, what can we do? We must eradicate all the wildlife. Remember people, it’s only a matter of time before the crazy ants eliminate the fire ants, move on from electrical equipment to nuclear facilities and become try to kill us. We’re in a war, people–it’s us or THEM!.

Nicht denkt jemand an die Kinder?

Germany-home of Oktoberfest and upright proper Aryan pornTexas high school students were recently shocked to discover a picture of a newsstand with “revealing” adult magazines in their German textbook. Man, I can only wonder what the school’s art history students are thinking right now while going through their sculpture textbooks. They must tripping balls!

Sects Sells: ACLU suddenly likes Jesus?

Having just kicked the Easter Bunny out of shopping malls, the American Civil Liberties Union has found a new high-profile case to remind Americans that they’re still around. However, they’ve zigged just when we thought they would zag.

The ACLU is taking on the state of Texas, claiming they may have violated state and federal laws when they raided the XFZ polygamist ranch in Eldorado and then placed all 416 children in state custody. (This is not to be confused with the Bunny Ranch in Mound House, Nevada, where polygamy is only one of many services offered.)

Look, ACLU, you need to decide: do you or don’t you like Jesus? Or do you only like Jesus when he’s marrying his underage cousins? This blog’s best guess is that you’re entertaining your perverted Little House on the Prairie fantasies.

Bonus: The judge who sent all those kid’s into protective custody?  None other than Judge Barbara Walthers.  (OK, not really that one.)

Scurry to from Prison

There are two things the U.S. loves to do: run for office and throw people in jail. Sometimes, they are even the same thing (see: Marion Barry). Idaho happens to be one of these states united, and it also happens to enjoy holding elections every now and then.

Keith Russell Judd is a man with a dream. He’s a democrat who finally got himself on the Idaho primary ballot running for president. Though only 49, Judd believes he has what it takes to lead. His name will be right up there will Sens. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

As it turns out, Judd is currently doing time in a federal prison in Texas, which means legally he can’t even vote for himself. He won’t be out of prison until 2013. So should Judd be elected president, he will not be able to serve his first term in the White House, that is unless he pardons himself.

You ate the worm? So what?

Worms, scorpions and other tiny animals are often found at the bottom of liquor bottles. One animal you can cross off that list is the rattlesnake.

A rancher in Texas was recently arrested after he had begun selling bottles of vodka with rattlesnakes inside them. The idea had been pretty profitable for him because he sold it as an “ancient Asian elixir.” Bayou Bob Popplewell was arrested and charged with selling alcohol beverages without a license. It could mean a year in jail and $1,000 fine.

Not only was this man selling booze to people who need a nip, but he managed to incorporate the genocide of rattlesnakes into the process. He should be praised, not arrested. FREE BAYOU BOB!

A message to our western readers

The Guys are really sad to hear about the End of the World that has recently hit your neck of the woods. As some of you are no doubt aware, our own Rick Snee was within a couple miles of a tornado recently, and yours truly saw some really deep water a couple years ago, so we are practically experts on the End of the World coming to a world near you.

We do sincerely extend our regrets to all of you, and hope you don’t fall off into the ocean, as so many cinematic experiences would suggest. We would miss you terribly if you left us, and we hope the loss of vital utilities, like electricity, will not keep you from reading us.

Just to update everyone else: it’s snowing in San Diego (Spanish for “What is this ‘precipitation’ you speak of?”), stranding lots of people. But more entertainingly, a billion gallons of tainted water are set to cause a massive tidal wave in Colorado. And finally, Texas is blowing up.

Cowboys and aliens

Last week, reports of UFOs over the town of Stephenville, Texas were reported and received much fanfare from mainstream media. Why these sightings caught attention, when thousands of crazies people report seeing UFOs every year is beyond this blog. However, many people in the town saw the strange lights and even reported seeing jets chase the lights.

Now, this blog was shocked to find that residents of the town are now actually welcoming aliens and trying to get them to land in their humble Texan town. Folks, this is just plain dangerous. What happens if the aliens do land in Stephenville, do we really want people from a small Texas acting as ambassadors for the entire human race? Knowing them, they would probably think the aliens were messing with Texas and start and intergalatic war. In case you haven’t noticed, we’re rather tied up fighting other battles at the moment.

Stephenville must be stopped!