Tag: UK

Spoilers: Snape touches students

If the internet was made for sex, then what are young adult books made for?

Well, if you’re in Britain, then they’re clearly made for pedophilic tendencies. Isn’t that right, J.K. Rowling?

Oh yes, that’s right, the woman behind the financial marvel known as ‘ARRY POHTTAUH may have to register as a potential pedophile simply thanks to the literature that she’s written. Now, mind you, the Harry Potter series is clearly not of the Lolita style of writing, but simply because she has the possibility of visiting students at schools, Rowling must go onto a list of people who may have a greater likelihood of becoming white unmarked van drivers. Oh, and also, she’s required to pay a fee to go onto this list. Genius.

And no, this is not an article from The Onion. We could only hope that it was.

Beer bellies-a thing of the past

Oh science, how I love you!

From the UK comes excellent news for beer drinkers — and their bellies: According to the results of a new study, beer bellies are caused by genetics, not beer.

After tracking 7,876 men and 12,749 women over the course of eight and a half years, a group of German and Swedish researchers discovered that while regular drinkers — especially those who consumed the equivalent of two pints a day — were more likely to gain weight overall, that weight did not necessarily accumulate in the abdominal region. The scientists concluded that while “beer consumption seems to be rather associated with an increase in overall body fatness,” evidence of more “site-specific” weight gain was limited. Somewhat unsurprisingly, given its pivotal role in most weighty matters, genetics was the real culprit.

The news couldn’t have come at a better time, i.e summer, when hot days call out for cold brews and beer aficionados seek sweet relief in air-conditioned bars across the country.

Guest Post: Miss South Carolina on the heart

After several stories on the Miss California USA saga and on the heels of her appearance on Tosh.0, Lauren Caitlin Upton — the former Miss Teen South Carolina USA — agreed to write a guest post for SeriouslyGuys. Her topic is on the latest startling medical news that more than half of Britons cannot identify the heart on a diagram of the human body and 70 percent cannot identify the lungs.

She may be also teasing the British for their smiles.I personally believe that U.K. British … are unable to do so because, uh, some … people out there, in their nation, don’t have anatomy charts.

And, uh … I believe that their education, like such as in South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere, like, such as …

And I believe they should, uh … their education over there, in the U.K., should help the U.K. or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and Asian countries so they will be able to build their future … for them.

Thank you, South Carolina.

Savage: Loves America so much that he wants to leave

When it comes to being on the radio, it used to mean you were just ugly. Nowadays, it also helps to be a moron like Michael Savage.

Savage, who is known to rally the simple and easily-led against any further immigration and sealing off the borders, is angry because he’s not allowed to visit England.

Let’s break that down:

1. Savage hates foreigners coming to his country for, in his opinion, ruining the language, refusing to respect our government and breaking the law to enter because they’re not on the official list. (A list that he wants eliminated, by the way.)

2. He wants to enter the United Kingdom, a country whose language some would believe we’ve ruined, whose constitutional monarchy is the butt of our jokes and he’d have to break the law to get in because he’s not on the list. (Actually, he’s on a list: the do-not-allow-into-the-UK list.)

3. Savage hates lawyers for defending illegal immigrants in the United States and believes that their efforts to change immigration law is morally wrong.

4. He’s using British lawyers to get him off the banned list, changing British immigration law.

So, the real message of the Savage Nation would be: “Can I please leave the United States of America? Pleeeeeeeeeeease?“

Not asking permission and getting sued: still in fashion

The UK’s Change4Life campaign — which links playing video games with obesity, diabetes, heart disease, and cancer — could draw fire from Sony for using a PlayStation-like controller in their print ad. Legal fire, that is, which — as we all know — is the third hottest fire that’s possible (behind orphanage arson fire and burning Benjamins in front of a hobo fire).

CHUNG-CHUNG.

The magazine ad in question features a young boy obviously not enjoying himself while holding a dual analog wireless controller, similar to that used with the PlayStation 3 and its predecessor. The print warns that even healthy-looking inactive children risk cancer, diabetes, and heart disease once they reach adulthood. Sony Computer Entertainment Europe is currently considering legal action against the ad creators.

CHUNG-CHUNG.

Now, having an active lifestyle? Top notch. Alluding that playing video games is a direct cause of not having an active lifestyle? Not as top notch. Using an ad that essentially equates their product with killing kids? Get ’em, Sony.

Schadenfreude: International blend

Good morning! And what a morning it is: the dawning of yet another wonderful day!

Just think of the day you have ahead of you: showering, sitting in traffic, going to work, eating a lousy lunch with people you hate, sitting in more traffic, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen — all while trying not to beat your children! Goodness, but these are blessed times, aren’t they?

No, they aren’t. When your only relaxation is going to a gym to work out, you really hate the people that make it look so easy. People like, oh, Martha Stewart …

Well, guess who’s persona non gratis in the United Kingdom? Yep, Martha’s life was easy when she was given insider trading tips, but now she’s not allowed to visit investors and business partners in Merry Olde England.

And that, we think, is a good thing.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

First Mexico, now England rattles anti-emo sabre

England is waking up to realize a menace is upon them. “A sinister cult,” as The Daily Mail puts it, obsessed with self-harm and suicide. A threat that America has just about wedgied out of existence and that Mexico put to the lash.

We are speaking, of course, about emos.

Now, this article doesn’t guarantee action, but it is the first step towards British involvement:

  1. Point at someone and say, “Wot is this all about?”
  2. Remind that person that they are British: “Stand up now, Guvnah. You’re British.”
  3. If they are not, in fact, British, condemn them: “Now that’s downright bawmy. Away with you, you little bugger.”
  4. When words fail, fetch a “Constable” or perhaps “engage in some fisticuffs.”

The empire is just about poised to strike back … at sad little teenagers.

Warriors of the Week

Beth and Brian Willis, of the UK, may have once cohabitated with dogs, but they’ve learned the error of their ways.  They now wear coats made from their favorite dogs and will tell everyone who will listen the story of their dabbles in animal-loving.  In this case, “everyone” is The Daily Mail.

It takes a brave person to admit when they were wrong.  It takes an even braver one to wear their albatross publicly.  And the bravest person of all will try to dress children:

“But Mrs Willis said her next dog fur creation will have to wait.

She is too busy knitting jumpers for the youngsters – using wool.”

Fur isn’t murder: it’s a stark reminder to animals of their place in the world.  They are either food, clothing or makeup testers, never our masters.

Less filling, still tastes like booze

Drinking is a lot like working out: the more you do it, the better your body image gets, which leads to improved confidence, beer pong agility and endurance to work out drink more.

It’s no wonder then that British ladies have applied this principle to their diets.  Called “drunkorexia,” these ladies skip meals to drink more.

The Institute of Psychiatry in London claims that they do this to lose weight.  What these experts don’t realize is that, by eating less, the booze takes stronger effect.  After all, you don’t eat a turkey dinner before running a marathon, right?

In related news, British women are pressured to drink more:

“With pressure on young women to drink but also remain slim, many are now swapping dinner for a large glass or two of wine” (emphasis ours).

Tony Blair: Educator of the obese

As if it weren’t hard enough to understand English accents, problems continue with the dialog of 2006’s The Queen. As we reported over a year ago, an airline version of the movie had some excessing bleeping when the word “god” was censored, regardless of the context.

But this time, there was no singing of “Bleep Save the Queen,” instead subtitles to an outdoor screening of the movie in Australia were written by someone who appeared to have the English comprehension of an Asian electronics manual. The drama ended up being more of a comedy after the subtitles stole the show.

“When a character spoke about Mr Blair being ‘educated at Fettes’, it appeared on screen as ‘educated the fattest’. ‘Did you vote?’ flashed up as ‘Dead in a boat?’. The observation that ‘every newspaper proprietor has blood on his hands today’ became ‘every newspaper proprietor has blown in his hands today’.

Yuck.

No word yet on whether the DVD box set will include these two alternate versions SG has discussed. Stay tuned to MasterChugs Theater for updates.