America-hating groundhog steals flags from graves

A graveyard in Massachusetts has been the subject of vandalism — very unpatriotic vandalism at that. Someone is stealing the flags from the graves of veterans. And unsurprisingly, it’s the animals that are to blame.

Flags placed at graves for Memorial Day were reported missing or vandalized in the days that followed, prompting an investigation by local authorities. Now, police have identified their leading suspect: a groundhog that hates America. The investigation is ongoing, but authorities say it seems most likely to be the work of an evil groundhog, and if it is, they will catch it.

Folks, in times as divisive as these, the animals are trying to divide us even further. Let’s come together, not as Red America and Blue America, but as humans, and eliminate these vermin once and for all.

Sacré poo!

Warrior Readers, The Guys have done you a disservice all these years. We’ve warned you about animals, aliens, robots and education, but we overlooked one of the gravest threats to humanity: the humanities. Namely: art.

We’re not sure how we missed it. Maybe it’s because those artist types are so non-threatening with their berets and soul patches. But, make no mistake: given the chance, an artist will submerge your family, friends and divine creator into his own urine.

Fortunately, the French have shown us how to fight back. They have seen Andres Serrano’s Piss Christ and–in response–gotten more done in mere days than what U.S. Republicans have attempted for the past 22 years.

Saddest kickball game in the world

If you think the rivalry between Camp Icheewicheetumtum and Camp Howzyafather for control over the Peepeehat Totem is intense, then think again.

The Gaza Strip is home to the biggest summer camp grudge since Meatballs: the scrappy, can-do U.N. campers vs. the militarized Hamas jocks. In fact, some masked men–believed to be Hamas counselors–raided the U.N. camp, “tying up guards and slashing tents and an inflatable pool.”

To date, the Hamas summer camp has refused to comply with U.N. requests, like permitting inspectors to take stock of their toilet paper supplies or appraise the content of their bug juice.

While Hamas police officers regret the bullying of their summer camp, hardliners opposed to the U.N. camp that teaches young men “folklore dancing” and other “weenie activities.”

Said one Hamas legislator: “NEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRDS!”

First it’s trash, then it’s temples

Raccoons have launched an assault on the famous Byôdô-in Temple in Kyoto, leaving scratch marks all over the ancient wood work (warning: link might be Not Safe For Work-exercise your own caution). For those of you who haven’t heard of it before, the temple is a national treasure akin to our Lincoln monument, except much older. Given that the structure dates back to the 10th century, there is actually some real cause for concern.

Strangely enough, Japan has sort of brought it upon themselves. Being that raccoons aren’t indigenous to Japan, you’d think some foreigner might be responsible for unleashing them, however that’s simply not the case.

Apparently, during the 1970s they became popular after appearing in an anime, and people had the bright idea of importing them from the US as pets. Yeah, that’s a good idea, as they were apparently importing close to 1,500 of them a year at one point. Needless to say, it didn’t take long before the government decided to place a ban on importing or even attempting to domesticate them.

Honestly though, how could anyone have ever thought that they’d make a good pet in the first place? I wonder how many of them attacked their owners before someone realized that keeping something with razor sharp claws and a nasty pair of fangs was a terrible idea. They’re not exactly cats and dogs, after all.

Take it from Snee: Shut up and take it

My entreaties for peace fell on deaf ears (deaf eyes?) last week. I offered you people spaghetti and puppies, but look at us now: talking about potentially fighting in the streets if conditions are just right. We’re on the verge of a revolutionary civil world war, and it’s all because some people refuse to stop talking about threats.

Oh, did you think I was gonna take your side in this, Democrats and people who don’t like to be touched? No freakin’ way.

There are institutions to protect, practices to defend, and you have called down the thunder by daring to speak your opinion and effect change. And then, when we respond like a rational mob, you dare to accuse us of getting violent or angry?

Well. Conservative activists, Catholic apologists, school bullies and now I, Rick Snee, have had enough of your backtalk. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Shut up and take it

And on the left, you’ll see our Darwinism exhibit

In Chicago, five teens were arrested for breaking into a video game store. Two of the five might have escaped successfully if they were smart enough to avoid the cops, but instead they asked the officers for a ride home. Looks like the kindergarten entry exam wasn’t the only test that they failed.

First, some back-story: a local heard glass breaking at a video game store and phoned the Chicago police, who responded and managed to find a shattered glass window and three burglars. The three ran; police managed to capture one, but the other two escaped. Two more “lookout” men (and that makes five) were also arrested. Obviously, their vision was a bit impaired.

The two that fled the scene flagged down a police car and asked for a ride home. At first, the officer explained to them that their department did not offer rides, but then quickly noticed that the two men matched the descriptions of the suspects. Draw your own conclusions about that.

Obviously these two MENSA candidates aren’t true gamers. Why so? For two simple rules.

1. Basic gaming instinct would tell you to lay low. Crouch. Crawl on your belly. Trudge around in a box, even.

2. And above all else, you never ask for ride. You’re supposed to yank the officer out of the car and steal it. Right, Jack?