Go veggie, but keep killing animals

When thinking about dead puppies doesn't work, you might be tempted to try anything -- even going vegetarian -- to get your manhood back.
When thinking about dead puppies doesn’t work, you might be tempted to try anything — even going vegetarian — to get your manhood back.

If you’ve experienced erectile dysfunction lately, then you may be considering going vegetarian. Not because you’re less of a man, so you might as well give up bacon, but because E.D. could indicate the onset of heart disease, and vegetarians are a third less likely to die from it than proud animal devourers.

The Guys aren’t judging you. It’s perfectly natural for men over 40 to lose some of their vigor and to give anything, even steak, to keep their dicks going. Just remember: that doesn’t mean you have to stop killing animals. Who knows? Maybe a few dead ducks will help you get it up.

So, if you’re going vegetarian, please renew your pledge to fight for humanity in the War on Animals. Nobody says you have to eat what you kill. (We’re pretty sure that’s against the Geneva Convention, anyway.)

Did we say ‘Warrior of the Week?’

… Because we should have said “of the Century” or “of All Time.”

Kasey Edwards’ story is not over, meat-eaters.* After losing his arm to and gouging the eye out of an alligator, you’d think he’d hang up his frog suit and harpoon gun for good.

And you’d be thinking wrong, because he’s now leading others into action:

“‘It’s a problem that needs to be dealt with,’ victim Kasey Edwards said. ‘The alligators — the population needs to be brought down.'”

[Emphasis ours, but we assume was his, too. He probably slammed his good fist into the table for each bold-faced word.]

Admiral Edwards, we are prepared to hand our brown water navy over to you. (Hope you like fanboats!) And after you rid Florida of the scaly horde, we’ve got an international mission for you.

*Hey, vegetarians. You can hate animals, too. It’s called sport hunting or target practice. Look into it.