Vegetarians walk among us with impunity, because there is something deeply wrong with society. These are people who willingly gave up eating bacon cheeseburgers so that bacon and cheeseburgers wouldn’t be killed in their name. Sometimes they even break the law to help out animals.
In Georgia, a vegetarian woman told authorities that she hit a chicken truck simply because it was a truck carrying chickens. According to authorities, the 26-year-old woman had been drinking when she saw the chicken truck and drove into it with her own car, then hit it again for good measure. No one was injured, and the woman left the scene of the accident. She was tracked down because her license plate fell off at the scene of the crime. She was arrested and charged.
This incident highlights something this blog has been saying for years: vegetarians are dangerous and mean real harm to our democracy. They cannot be engaged in civil discussion because they push an ideology not based in reality, and they are frequently violent. We must challenge and shout down these alt-meat thugs.
With the way new vegans tend to pop up, we were already convinced that it was a form of vampirism. (Fun fact: wooden stakes do not work on vegans as they’ve already built up an immunity to plant-based products through their diet.) It turns out that another bloodsucker may be the culprit: ticks.
Allergists theorize that, as some people recover from the bite of a Lone Star tick (thanks, Texas), their body’s immune system may mistakenly recognize alpha-gal — a type of sugar found in red meat — as a repeat attack. And whenever the body responds this way to a non-threat (think TSA and Sikhs because turbans), the resulting symptoms are your typical allergic response.
Fortunately, not everyone bitten by these dicks (that’s a portmanteau of “dick” and “tick”) becomes allergic to red meat. But of the people who do, the reaction can be severe enough that it is even triggered by meat flavoring and gelatin — which is made from bones. And, for all we know, anti-poultry and anti-pork bites could be around the corner.
It was one thing to give us Lyme disease, but to make us socially-repellent vegetarians? That’s gotta be a war crime.
The Guys aren’t judging you. It’s perfectly natural for men over 40 to lose some of their vigor and to give anything, even steak, to keep their dicks going. Just remember: that doesn’t mean you have to stop killing animals. Who knows? Maybe a few dead ducks will help you get it up.
So, if you’re going vegetarian, please renew your pledge to fight for humanity in the War on Animals. Nobody says you have to eat what you kill. (We’re pretty sure that’s against the Geneva Convention, anyway.)