Vegetarian attacks chicken truck, is veggie-fascism on the rise?

Vegetarians walk among us with impunity, because there is something deeply wrong with society. These are people who willingly gave up eating bacon cheeseburgers so that bacon and cheeseburgers wouldn’t be killed in their name. Sometimes they even break the law to help out animals.

In Georgia, a vegetarian woman told authorities that she hit a chicken truck simply because it was a truck carrying chickens. According to authorities, the 26-year-old woman had been drinking when she saw the chicken truck and drove into it with her own car, then hit it again for good measure. No one was injured, and the woman left the scene of the accident. She was tracked down because her license plate fell off at the scene of the crime. She was arrested and charged.

This incident highlights something this blog has been saying for years: vegetarians are dangerous and mean real harm to our democracy. They cannot be engaged in civil discussion because they push an ideology not based in reality, and they are frequently violent. We must challenge and shout down these alt-meat thugs.

Forget Lyme disease — ticks now transmit veganism

Our future if Lone Star ticks have their way.
Our future if Lone Star ticks have their way.

With the way new vegans tend to pop up, we were already convinced that it was a form of vampirism. (Fun fact: wooden stakes do not work on vegans as they’ve already built up an immunity to plant-based products through their diet.) It turns out that another bloodsucker may be the culprit: ticks.

Allergists theorize that, as some people recover from the bite of a Lone Star tick (thanks, Texas), their body’s immune system may mistakenly recognize alpha-gal — a type of sugar found in red meat — as a repeat attack. And whenever the body responds this way to a non-threat (think TSA and Sikhs because turbans), the resulting symptoms are your typical allergic response.

Fortunately, not everyone bitten by these dicks (that’s a portmanteau of “dick” and “tick”) becomes allergic to red meat. But of the people who do, the reaction can be severe enough that it is even triggered by meat flavoring and gelatin — which is made from bones. And, for all we know, anti-poultry and anti-pork bites could be around the corner.

It was one thing to give us Lyme disease, but to make us socially-repellent vegetarians? That’s gotta be a war crime.

Go veggie, but keep killing animals

When thinking about dead puppies doesn't work, you might be tempted to try anything -- even going vegetarian -- to get your manhood back.
When thinking about dead puppies doesn’t work, you might be tempted to try anything — even going vegetarian — to get your manhood back.

If you’ve experienced erectile dysfunction lately, then you may be considering going vegetarian. Not because you’re less of a man, so you might as well give up bacon, but because E.D. could indicate the onset of heart disease, and vegetarians are a third less likely to die from it than proud animal devourers.

The Guys aren’t judging you. It’s perfectly natural for men over 40 to lose some of their vigor and to give anything, even steak, to keep their dicks going. Just remember: that doesn’t mean you have to stop killing animals. Who knows? Maybe a few dead ducks will help you get it up.

So, if you’re going vegetarian, please renew your pledge to fight for humanity in the War on Animals. Nobody says you have to eat what you kill. (We’re pretty sure that’s against the Geneva Convention, anyway.)

Did we say ‘Warrior of the Week?’

… Because we should have said “of the Century” or “of All Time.”

Kasey Edwards’ story is not over, meat-eaters.* After losing his arm to and gouging the eye out of an alligator, you’d think he’d hang up his frog suit and harpoon gun for good.

And you’d be thinking wrong, because he’s now leading others into action:

“‘It’s a problem that needs to be dealt with,’ victim Kasey Edwards said. ‘The alligators — the population needs to be brought down.'”

[Emphasis ours, but we assume was his, too. He probably slammed his good fist into the table for each bold-faced word.]

Admiral Edwards, we are prepared to hand our brown water navy over to you. (Hope you like fanboats!) And after you rid Florida of the scaly horde, we’ve got an international mission for you.

*Hey, vegetarians. You can hate animals, too. It’s called sport hunting or target practice. Look into it.