For eight years–eight years–I believed we had created a safer United States, a bomb-free and non-terrorized America. I thought that, by taking my shoes off at airports and picketing Muslim schools, we were safe.
If 10 U.S. government agents could sneak bombs into U.S. government buildings past other U.S. government employees, then every step the U.S. government has taken to protect me was all a lie. I’m not safe, nor was I ever.
But, I’m going to change that, you Take it from Snee.
I have appraised my personal safety situation (or PiSS) and have determined that I am under a constant threat of attack from terrorists. I will attempt to identify as many of these threats as possible and counter them with only the items I carry on a daily basis.
These items are:
- 1 wallet with assorted memberships to department store discount clubs, including but not limited to Best Buy, Babies R Us and Jerome’s Adult Video Emporium.
- 1 set of keys
- 1 iPhone
- 1 gun … Well, it’s a pen that I took apart and turned into a “gun.” It has one shot and I think it hurts, but I’ve only shot my hand with it.
OK, based on that list, you’d think I’m prepared for anything. Let’s see what happens if …
Scenario 1: A terrorist lights his fart on a plane.
Or, better yet, what if the terrorist lights her fart on a plane, playing against two stereotypes: that terrorists are male and that females don’t fart?
We already take our shoes off, we already have to power up any computers and we already have to declare any non-native plant and animal bombs we’ve brought into the country … but what about the human body’s natural store of flammable gas?
A fart can ruin anyone’s transcontinental flight, but directed with religious ferver and heated anti-government zealotry (and a match) and lives/rectum hair could be lost!
What Can I Do? I could sniff out the terrorist, but then I could also be accused of having dealt it (see: Richard Jewell and the Case of the 1996 Atlanta Summer Olympics).
Fortunately, I have my wallet. Since I’ll never use that condom from my sophomore homecoming dance in 1996 for sex, I can use it to collect an air sample for the FBI. The FBI never dealt anything … except sweet, sweet justice. And lemonade. Ask them about their lemonade.
Scenario 2: A terrorist attacks the Bed[,] Bath & Beyond.
If there’s one thing a terrorist hates, it’s our freedom to shop at a store that isn’t Home Depot, isn’t a furniture store, but is a potpourri of inane kitchen gadgets, bed coverings and “As Seen On TV” products. They could shorten their name to “Your Wedding Registry,” but then husbands couldn’t be dragged back to buy bigger cutting boards.
What Can I Do? Using my iPhone, I can pretend to check the time and casually mention to my wife that Puppy Day is almost over at PetSmart. From across the parking lot, I can watch the BB&B burn … and pet a puppy.
Scenario 3: A terrorist poisons the water supply.
Is there anything simpler and more dastardly? If farming can affect our water, then what chance do we have protecting it from some whackjob?
What Can I Do? Switch to liquor. It’s less fattening than beer and the distilling process probably kills anthrax. Also, I’m more equipped to fight terrorism when I’m hammered.
Scenario 4: A terrorist poisons the Jack Daniels distillery.
What Can I Do? Punch him in the balls with my keys. I’ma find him and strike him down, Ol’ Toyota a-aimin’ for the right nut and American flag copy of my apartment key a-to the left.
Scenario 5: A terrorist tickles me for state secrets.
I have a high pain tolerance and a deep sense of patriotism that prevents me from ever submitting to an America-hating ne’er-do-well. But … I have been known from time to time to be a little ticklish.
So, let’s say that I’m in the “viewing room” at Jerome’s and the lady giving me a massage turns out to be–oh snap!–a terrorist!
This is the worst scenario ever: I’m chained down, naked and there’s a feather at my feet and my safety word ignored in the name of violating national security! Is this it? Will I betray this Sweet Land O’ Lakes Liberty?!
What Can I Do? I can’t reach my “gun” because it’s in my pants, but I can think unhappy thoughts until Jerome starts wondering why my appointment’s running over, thoughts like:
- McDonald’s going out of business
- Football becoming soccer
- Never being able to watch Braveheart again
- Megan Fox’s toe thumbs
- Star Trek making communism look dangerously awesome
- The Surgeon General outlawing bacon
And that’s the most important lesson to take out of this: that the mind is your most important weapon in the War on Terror.