Day: December 14, 2011

Ask Dr. Snee: Healthy holidays, everyone!

According to these letters I’ve been receiving, it’s the holiday season. Of course, that’s because I legally changed my name to Santa Claus back in the ’04 on a bet, so there’s Christmas letters mixed into my normal summons, past due notices and “Ask Dr. Snee” questions. Take, for instance, this letter:

Dear Santa,

Although I have been a very good girl this year and would very much like a Nintendo 3DS for Christmas, I’m writing because I’m worried about your health. Specifically, your weight. Your belly shaking like a bowl full of jelly is certainly one of the signs of holiday joy, but it is also — in this 8-year-old’s opinion — one of the telltale signs of morbid obesity. With the addition of other risk factors, such as smoking, eating cookies at every non-Jehovah’s Witness’s home  and red, veiny nose indicate that you may be entering the early stages of diabetes. I know you are very busy this time of year, but please, once Christmas is over and done with, please see a physician.

Lots of love,

Rachel

Now, I know what you’re thinking: You’re not really going to answer that little girl’s letter, are you, Dr. Snee? Yes, of course I am, if only because Santa deserves the benefit of a second opinion. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Healthy holidays, everyone!

Meanwhile, your tuition went up

Most universities in the U.S. are storied institutions with a legacy of shaping young minds to create the world we know today. And if there’s one thing that could destroy their reputations, it’s using their name for a porn site.

Schools like the University of Kansas are buying up .xxx domains before pornographers can create rockchalkjayhawk.xxx and jayhawks.xxx. This is a security concern because people interested in UK could accidentally type in the universally-agreed upon porn abbreviation — instead of .edu — and wind up at tits instead. They also bought kansas.xxx, because they want to keep the address porn-free, which will save the owners of

  • kansas.com: The Wichita Eagle, a newspaper
  • kansas.gov: The Official Web site of the State of Kansas
  • kansas.net: Based on the quality of their page, some ’90s-era Internet provider

from having to buy it themselves. (The University of Missouri did the same thing with missouri.xxx, proving that neither state has anything going for it but college basketball.) Unfortunately, nobody bothered to buy .org or .biz, so smut peddlers, get on it!

Their enlargened heart fits due to their enlargened cup size

It’s just about Christmas time, people: less than two weeks! And as you, and you, and you, and I all know, the reason for the season is what?

Strippers! No, I mean, kids. But what if we could combine the two?

Hold on, please don’t contact the local authorities or the FBI yet, as it’s not technically my idea. The idea actually belongs to the Admiral Theatre in Chicago. Yes, the Admiral Theatre has decided that this week, and this week only, kind and generous patrons that bring in an unwrapped, unused toy will get a free lap dance. Though it’s said that the free lap dance is limited to one per customer, it doesn’t say just one in a week.

Be kind and generous! You can help stimulate the economy by buying and toy and in doing so, help stimulate, ummm … your wallet holder. Yes, that’s what we’ll go with.

Bow down to your new sexiness despot

The Guys are manly men, as you well know. We’re big into guy things like drinking and boobs, and anything that can combine the two of them. But one thing we just can’t get is Men’s Health Magazine named Jennifer Aniston the Sexiest Woman of All Time.

We don’t have anything against her, it’s just that, really? Her? But when you think about it, judging purely on a shallow, visual level, anyone else you can name lacks just enough of something to rank her higher overall. Perhaps we choose our sexiest women like we choose our presidents, pick some that we like, and then let a group of people we didn’t elect choose who ranks high enough in all categories to be good enough and free of serious flaws, but not super at anything.

But come on, Men’s Health, if you’re going to throw the “of all time” moniker on there, you really need to consider all women throughout history. Queen Victoria went unranked!