Fitness equipment company, Nautilus, recalled 10,000 elliptical machines for fall hazards. Nine Schwinn 460 units are reported to have detached or broken foot plates, which was a shock to Nautilus because that would require more than one use in the home.
A company spokesperson assured us on the condition of anonymity that the line poses no danger in its popular “coat rack” mode, though allowing dust to settle can trigger allergies.
People of all stripes have been arguing that America’s in a bad place right now. Our deficit is soaring, our rich are hogging up all the yachts and our kids — man, they suck. They’re fat, their music is weird, they cut themselves and they still haven’t lifted the U.S. out of a recession by getting jobs and buying all the CDs and DVDs (that we still think are weird).
But, is it so bad that even Canada gets to rag on us? Apparently so.
Our Congress didn’t help, of course, when they determined that, for school lunches, the two tablespoons of tomato sauce per slice makes pizza a vegetable. (A tomato is a fruit, until you squeeze it and add salt. Then it’s a vegetable, and that is science.*) And, with the double-helping of vegetables that comes with adding french fries, it looks like it’ll be up to our children’s children to stand up to those wendi-jerkoffs on our northern border.
*Today’s science is brought to you by Dr. Papa John, Director of the Hand-Tossed Institute.
It took over eight years, but France has finally gotten back at certain Americans’ slights in the build-up to the Iraq War. The French Superior Audiovisual Council (CSA) has banned the terms “Facebook” and “Twitter” from their radio and television broadcasts, except when listed as a source of specific information when their journalists investigate stories as lazily as ours do.
One of CSA’s board members, Christine Kelly, explained their decision:
“Why give preference to Facebook, which is worth billions of dollars, when there are many other social networks that are struggling for recognition? This would be a distortion of competition. If we allow Facebook and Twitter to be cited on air, it’s opening a Pandora’s Box – other social networks will complain to us saying, ‘why not us?'”
Unfortunately, her quote has inadvertently raised the stock of Pandora Radio, where you can listen to free Internet radio, find new music and participate in the Music Genome Project. Ms. Kelly never intended for you to know that it’s a new kind of radio–stations that only play music you like. And she certainly never meant to send you to Pandora.com today!
It was a close call, but we almost lost the world’s premier euthadestination: Switzerland.
The Swiss conservative Federal Democratic Union party and Christian groups lost a referendum vote to end assisted suicide for foreign visitors. 80 percent of Swiss voters depend on the FDU-dubbed “suicide tourism” industry, which is the neutral nation’s only means of competition with other European hotspots like Amsterdam’s marijuana and sex tourism and France’s “go ahead and take Paris, we weren’t really using it anyway” tourism.
So, when you think you can’t take your spouse, kids and job anymore, think Switzerland.
There have been a lot of celebrations this month already. There’s already been
But, you may not have realized that you don’t have to stop partying just because it’s May the Ninth and you’re expected to be sober in the office. The whole month of May has been set aside as Lyme Disease Awareness Month.
So, go ahead and finish off those leftover Coronas. Just be sure to get back to the liquor store before midnight because … time is ticking.
It’s a crazy world out there this week: guys (not The Guys) are stomping on ladies’ heads at political rallies and demanding an apology, presumably for smudging their new “kicks.”
That ain’t healthy. Not only is it heinous, but this is only a mid-term election. WTF?
This is why I’m doing something a little different for Take it from Snee. Your health is important, so I’ve taken it upon myself to produce this PSA.
(This has nothing to do with all those mattress tags I stole and subsequent court rulings.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Milk
Hey, gang! Do you like marijuana, but find yourself getting bored with its mild high, lack of addictive chemicals, outlaw mystique and relative safety?
Then have we got good news for you! Synthetic Pot is not necessarily Swedish lipstick lesbians, but it will kick your ass and hand it to your local coroner.
Also known as “spice,” “K2” or “Unicorn Alfalfa” (OK, we made that last one up), it:
Spice! Look for it in your mom’s favorite New Agey incense store today! So awesome!
Just when we thought the looming threat of NASCAR had been contained to the redneckier parts of America, it appears that the sport managed to slip into Washington, D.C.–more specifically, into the U.S. Supreme Court.
In a 5-4 decision divided on the usual party lines, the Supreme Court ruled that corporations can “spend as much as they [want] to sway voters in federal elections.”
Now, a lot of people are upset about this … although they’re mostly people who don’t own corporations, so what do they know, right? They certainly aren’t looking on the bright side.
For instance: voters already complain that they can’t tell the difference between presidential candidates anymore, saying that they’re forced to select “the lesser of two evils.” Well, what if Pepsi endorsed one of them? BOOM! 50 percent of the population just voted for, “I’ll have a water, then.”
Best of all, candidates could actually coordinate their campaign slogans with their contributors. Jonathan Edwards could “clean up” his image with an endorsement from Tide. Or, he could show he’s learned his lesson about fathering inconvenient children with a giant Trojan backdrop behind his podium.
In an effort to help people recognize Bing.com as a product from the Microsoft we’ve all grown to know and love, the Web search site was brought down by for a half hour because of a testing error.
The branding move backfired, however, when both Bing users received a 404 error and went to Google to find the new URL.
We’re big Microsoft fan boys here at SG, though, so we’d like remind you that, at least when Bing goes down, it doesn’t crash your entire system like other MS products. So, there’s your lemonade, Mr. Gates.
So, the FTC is cracking down on blogs and twitter users that do not disclose that they were paid or given free swag in return for favorable “reviews.” From here on out, those lucky bastards are required to place a disclaimer somewhere in the entry.
Rest assured that SeriouslyGuys has never participated in this practice, even though we would be totally awesome at it. We’ve even practiced by making fake advertisements and sponsored posts, but no one wants four guys to team up on marketing condoms or oven cleaner.
But, you know, we guess that’s the price we pay for integrity … and by price, we mean our own hosting and domain fees.
