Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. political parties to foreigners, children

Longtime readers may recall that for three glorious days back in 2008, I was a legal subject of Her Royal Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II (long may she reign so that Camilla may not). Bermuda was a welcome vacation from the U.S. because it was an election year, but alas, the natives knew all about it and would ask tourists who we’re going to vote for.

What was most striking was that, although they knew the names, they still didn’t quite grasp the subtleties or history behind the American political parties or why one American would support one over another.

It is in the spirit of not knowing what a Tory or Socialist is that I’ve assembled this handy guide to the great and small political parties of these United States for foreigners and children. (For best use, please print this out onto a 4 x 11-inch note card, and keep it in your wallet with a magnifying glass.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. political parties to foreigners, children

The Audacity of Impersonation

In other Obama related news

The Republican Leadership Conference was recently held. While we’ll avoid the reference that old white men love having black guys do things for their entertainment, we will point out that a Barack Obama impersonator was hired for the event. That where the similarity to the first part of the previous sentence ends, as the joke may have been lost on more than a few of the attendees.

The impersonator proceeded to mock many of the GOP members hoping the next president, while also poking fun at the roots of the current president (to keep it fair, after all). But apparently, it was just too much to make fun of Michele Bachmann supporting a bunch of racists crazy people the Tea Party. Enough was enough, the mic was cut and the impersonator was given das boot!

Hey, GOP people: SG recommends that you get the guy from the Jerry’s Subs and Pizzas radio ads and utilize the technology that Conan uses. We’d support it.

Fighting fire with a fistful of matches

James O’Keefe (friend of this Web site) is back in the news with another “hot scoop.”

It was apparently news to him that NPR executives believe that Tea Partiers are “xenophobic,” “seriously racist people,” who are “fanatically involved in people’s personal lives.”

He proved that by secretly recording a private meeting by disguising two people as representatives of a Muslim outreach group funded by the Muslim Brotherhood, implying that such groups are full of terrorists.

… Gee, James. Where would NPR get that idea?

Tea Party finally presented at their reading level

When it comes to articles, online posts and signs, it’s tough to figure out what exactly Tea Partiers want. For instance, many people keep reading racism in their message, yet the writers always claim it was read wrong.

So, if communicating their message to the greater public in words is so difficult, maybe books and writing aren’t their strong point. And that’s when it’s time to put out a coloring book.

Delaware’s suddenly a sexy state

The biggest election news this past week was the triumph of Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell in the Republican primary for one of Delaware’s U.S. Senate seats.

Immediately following her win, Democrats cackled with glee, believing they had locked up the crucial Masturbators Bloc. They based this on statements she made 15 years ago on MTV’s “Sex in the ’90s,” in which she snubbed masturbation as lust, wrong and making your wife’s handjobs seem bush league and amateurish.

But, O’Donnell clarified those statements in a candidate’s forum Thursday night, saying that her “faith has matured” since then, and that she will consider any issues from a constitutional perspective.

So, she either plans to amend the Constitution* to reflect her personal morality, or–after 41 years of being single–she’s finally embraced DIY.

*Speaking of: Hey! It’s Constitution Day!

Dumbasses don’t deny dumbass claim

We’re not saying the Birthers are dumbasses, but Colorado GOP Senate candidate Ken Buck did.

Buck expressed frustration with the “dumbass” Birthers that keep showing up to his rallies and making the news. He told a Democrat operative that he wishes they would just shut the f@#k up, asking him or her to “tell those dumbasses at the Tea Party to stop asking questions about birth certificates while I’m on camera.”

Fortunately for Buck, the Birthers are a voting bloc that’s too stupid to be insulted.

9/12 Project Colorado Coalition leader, Lu Busse, only noticed that her candidate used some naughty language [emphasis ours]:

“‘He could have not called us a name,’ said Busse. ‘It would have been better to say, “Why do these people” and he shouldn’t have used a bad name, but I don’t see it as he meant anything personal to me or to the other people in the Tea Party movement.'”

What a dumbass.

The NTPF? Splitters!

When the NAACP challenged the Tea Partiers to denounce racism in their ranks, little did they know that it would be nearly impossible for a splintered group of cells, united only by their general crankiness, to do so when there is no true central authority. (Or did they?)

The National Tea Party Federation has expelled the Tea Party Express from its ranks over a blog post by Express organizer Mark Williams.

The Tea Party Express has countered its expulsion by calling the Federation a silly organization with no authority “to decide who can or cannot participate in a national grass-roots movement.”

So, just to keep track:

“The only people the Tea Party Express hates more than the liberals are the f@#king National Tea Party Federation.

“And the Tea Party Populist People’s Front.

“And the Tea Party Express.

“What? We’re the Tea Party Express?

“Oh. I thought we were the Populist Front.

“Whatever happened to the Populist Front, Reg?

“He’s over there? SPLITTER!”

Take it from Snee: Shut up and take it

My entreaties for peace fell on deaf ears (deaf eyes?) last week. I offered you people spaghetti and puppies, but look at us now: talking about potentially fighting in the streets if conditions are just right. We’re on the verge of a revolutionary civil world war, and it’s all because some people refuse to stop talking about threats.

Oh, did you think I was gonna take your side in this, Democrats and people who don’t like to be touched? No freakin’ way.

There are institutions to protect, practices to defend, and you have called down the thunder by daring to speak your opinion and effect change. And then, when we respond like a rational mob, you dare to accuse us of getting violent or angry?

Well. Conservative activists, Catholic apologists, school bullies and now I, Rick Snee, have had enough of your backtalk. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Shut up and take it

You Missed It: Send more crumpets edition

Got any plans for the weekend? Really? Oh, that sounds cool, have a good time with that. Me? No, I’m laying low this weekend. I celebrated You Missed It’s first birthday a little too much last weekend, if you know what I mean. Time to recover. Phew! If you were busy challenging Larry King to a Twitter follower war this week, odds are you missed it.

Cramming a protest down leaders’ throats
More than 200 years ago, Samuel Adams and the Sons of Liberty threw boxes of tea overboard in protest of taxes levied by the British Parliament without any consultation of the colonies. On April 15, tax day, conservatives recreated the event across the country, protesting taxes that are approved by people they voted to represent them, which is clearly unfair in principle. Protesters threw tea around and even mailed tea bags to their elected officials. They even called themselves teabaggers. I am still struggling to find a comedic angle to this one.

Voice lovely, face, not so much
It’s the kind of story you expect from a hokey romantic comedy, as if there was any other kind. Practically overnight, Susan Boyle, 47, has become a sensation in much of the civilized world. The Scottish woman appeared on Britain’s Got Talent, and wowed judges when she sang “I Dreamed A Dream.” Boyle says she has never been kissed, mostly because shes not really attractive. Wait a minute, she’s Scottish? Shouldn’t she be on Scotland’s Got Talent?

I used to love her, but I had to kill her
In an interview with The Rolling Stone, Hulk Hogan said, “I totally understand O.J.,” and who can blame him? “I could have turned everything into a crime scene like O.J., cutting everybody’s throat,” Hogan said in the interview. We’ve all been there. We all get the Hulkamania and just want to take everyone down with us, brother. If I were Jake the Snake, I’d watch out.

Teabagging protests leave bad taste in public’s mouth

With several major banks posting gains last quarter and hopes for the end of the recession on the rise, now seems like the perfect time to protest the liberal bailout plan, right? That was certainly the conservatives’ point of view, and they were ready to show their displeasure with the liberal attempt to get out of the economic hole conservative fundamentals got us into.

As a grassroots movement, Republicans got organized and held “tea parties” yesterday because they were “Taxed Enough Already,” get it? TEA? But this time, for some reason, no one got dressed up as Native Americans like they did in 1773. However, Samuel Adams may have been in attendance.

At these parties, teabaggers (yes, that’s really what they call themselves) opened their mouths wide so they could be heard. They had no issue staying out all day standing around; in fact, they squatted down every now and then. They spoke for hours, expressing their displeasure with the way corporations were getting bailout money and the majority of Americans were scheduled to get tax cuts in 2010. As a show of solidarity, every Republican governor in the country told the U.S. Treasury that they don’t need the stimulus money heading their way–oh, wait.

(Courtesy of Katie T.)