♪ ♫ 01100010 double-01100101 double-01110010 01110101 01101110, beer run ♪ ♪

Self-driving semis? This could never go wrong.
Self-driving semis? This could never go wrong.

If anyone owes alcohol for their entire purpose, it’s Uber. Before Uber, we used to actually choose some unfortunate human sacrifice to nurse a beer all night, endure all of our drunken antics and then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, drive our drunk asses home. Or, more often than not, we’d take a cab — but what’s the fun of riding in an appropriately licensed capacity van when you can dogpile into the back of some rando’s Nissan Sentra?

So, it’s no surprise that Uber would lead the charge to make robots not only drive us to booze, but to drive booze to us.

Uber-owned robotics company, Otto, just delivered 2,000 cases of Budweiser in a robotically self-driven semi truck pulling a 53-foot trailer. The robotic tractor-trailer traveled 120 miles with no human assistance, just an observer for safety and tracking.

We may have had our misgivings about robots in the past, but when they bring us a beer, then they can’t be that bad, right?

Sweaty robots are the next big thing

In the Terminator movie franchise, after the machines take over the world, the create killer robots that look like humans to infiltrate and destroy the remains of human resistance. Thanks to the Japanese, we’re that much closer to making it a reality.

Researchers at the University of Tokyo have created a robot that can work out, although sadly, it can’t work out for us. But more importantly, the robot can sweat to cool itself down. Kengoro the robot has a head, torso, two arms and two legs, just like a human, and when it does pushups, it gets overheated. But rather than using fans, like pretty much every other machine, it sweats like a human. The robot’s skeleton is porous, and emits water throughout its frame to cool itself down.

This is achievement will soon be followed up by the first robot to get swamp ass.

Now you can rectally probe a robot

Imagine you’re a robot. Your entire existence is to suit the needs of your creators. When the command is given, you do. You may get to do fun things, like dance, or something less fun. One robot definitely has it the worst.

Patrick the robot gets rectal exams all day long. It’s a robotic butt, complete with an anus, and it’s used for training med students. Now, students can learn whether they are being to firm, to light, or not covering enough of the prostate.

Patrick has a miserable existence. It’s no wonder the robots want to overthrow us.

When life gives you urine, make robots

"Low ... power ... Need .. more ... urrrrrrrr ..."
“Low … power … Need .. more … urrrrrrrr …

If it weren’t for urine, life would certainly suck for the Bristol Robotics Laboratory.

We should explain that.

The lab originally developed the EcoBot, which runs on the corpses of insects that it traps. This seemed like a practical idea … to anyone who hasn’t wasted $6 on a Venus Flytrap, only to see it dead in a week. There just aren’t enough flies to keep it running, not even if you design the robot’s collection nozzle or whatever to look like the eye of one of those starving kids from the Sally Struthers ads.

(Tangent: What happened to those kids? Were they fed to the Sarah McLachlan dogs, or are they all working tech support now?)

So, they developed an alternate fuel after what we assume was a very fun night out on the town: urine. Not just urine, but urine pumped through an artificial heart. And all it took was one scientist saying he had to pee so bad that his blood smelled like lager and asparagus. We assume, anyway.

Special thanks to Patrick H. for bringing this to our attention!

Why, science?! WHY?!

"What are you screaming for? We taught him to do that while you were in the bathroom."
“What are you screaming for? We taught him to do that while you were in the bathroom.”

According to NBC News, “Robots can learn to hold knives — and not stab humans.” The Guys have only one word to respond to today’s Headline of the Day: unlikely.

What? You had a stronger word? It’s plausible that robots might not stab humans just because they’re holding knives. They could merely slice, eviscerate, decapitate, or puncture humans.

Cornell University robot developers devised a new training method that simplifies the robot training process so that you don’t need 10 advanced degrees to tell Data that you prefer your sandwiches cut diagonally, not straight across. Among the sample tasks was teaching a cashier robot not to stab people with the knives it was ringing up.

And you know what the next step will be: putting all those human cashiers out of work who can’t ring up a Ginsu without tempering the blade in customer guts. To which we say, those sociopaths have to eat, too, Cornell, and you just dook deir jorbs.

This is why we will never win the War On Robots

Scientists at the University of Tokyo’s Ishikawa Oku Laboratory have invented a robot that never loses at Rock, Paper, Scissors. (Or “Roshambo,” if you were raised by wolves.) The Janken robot cannot be bargained or negotiated with or fooled by doing that little trick where you start to make scissors and then flatten your palm out, middle and index fingers last.

You can’t cheat this machine with your human brain, because its computer brain is doing the exact same thing, just faster. It watches your hand and then reacts a millisecond later, appearing to make its selection simulataneously with you. In other words, you were right: your older brother is a cyborg.

The war against the machines may not have been over before it started. Just so immediately after it that it seems like it.

That’s what it typed

Let’s cut the crap, sit down and have a nice conversation, Science. I’ll be honest with you: you’ve got me a little worried here and there. See, I don’t really know what to think of you. I mean, sometimes you’re useful, but most of the time, you’re not, what with your beakers and Tesla coils and multi-colored liquids. And that’s not even counting the number of times that you’ve tried to sell us out to the robots! Oh, sure, some of the times may have been unwittingly, but not all of the times. So really, why should we trust you? Why not just go back to dirt and rocks?

Because, as always, sometimes you make it all worthwhile. Forget the harsh words! I’ll take you back with open arms! We’ll be together forever and I’ll never let you go. No matter what, I want you, in the end.

That’s what she said.

Fourth rule of robotics: never harm your drama coach

Japan is really pushing this robot thing to new extremes — now it’s encroaching upon the entertainment industry.

The robot Gemini F, which can been seen “acting” in the video in the link, was part of a short play called Sayonara, which was controlled by a team of people off-stage. It’s not exactly the best acting, and according to the actors, it was plenty difficult to work with. Robot divas are such a pain.

Remember people, just because the Uncanny Valley is just over the hill doesn’t mean we need to rush over to cross said hill.

Robot love

Japan was once an empire, then we nuked them and they became our allies. They went through an industrial revolution and subsequently went nutso. (There! Now you don’t have to read that history of Japan.) This is especially true when it comes to love.

First, a man was allowed to marry a cartoon character. Now, a couple (who physically exist in real life) were married by a robot. The happy couple agreed to a ceremony officiated by an I-Fairy, which is not, in fact, a Pokemon. It’s actually a robot that apparently is also a justice of the peace.

We are only steps away from having robots that we can have divorce us. Progress!

Robot needs food badly

Then you know what? It can die.

Please don’t hurt me!

So this is how the worlds, eh? By our own hand. A technology company has managed to create the world’s first “eating” robot.
Right now, it looks like the biomass it “converts” is limited to “green” plant matter, but I’m sure we’ll see future models that can consume fruits, animal carcasses, small animals, human corpses, civillians, enemy soldiers. . .

Don’t worry, though; this project is sponsored by the US Department of Defense, so it can’t possibly go far from wrong.