This is why we will never win the War On Robots

Scientists at the University of Tokyo’s Ishikawa Oku Laboratory have invented a robot that never loses at Rock, Paper, Scissors. (Or “Roshambo,” if you were raised by wolves.) The Janken robot cannot be bargained or negotiated with or fooled by doing that little trick where you start to make scissors and then flatten your palm out, middle and index fingers last.

You can’t cheat this machine with your human brain, because its computer brain is doing the exact same thing, just faster. It watches your hand and then reacts a millisecond later, appearing to make its selection simulataneously with you. In other words, you were right: your older brother is a cyborg.

The war against the machines may not have been over before it started. Just so immediately after it that it seems like it.

That’s what it typed

Let’s cut the crap, sit down and have a nice conversation, Science. I’ll be honest with you: you’ve got me a little worried here and there. See, I don’t really know what to think of you. I mean, sometimes you’re useful, but most of the time, you’re not, what with your beakers and Tesla coils and multi-colored liquids. And that’s not even counting the number of times that you’ve tried to sell us out to the robots! Oh, sure, some of the times may have been unwittingly, but not all of the times. So really, why should we trust you? Why not just go back to dirt and rocks?

Because, as always, sometimes you make it all worthwhile. Forget the harsh words! I’ll take you back with open arms! We’ll be together forever and I’ll never let you go. No matter what, I want you, in the end.

That’s what she said.

Fourth rule of robotics: never harm your drama coach

Japan is really pushing this robot thing to new extremes — now it’s encroaching upon the entertainment industry.

The robot Gemini F, which can been seen “acting” in the video in the link, was part of a short play called Sayonara, which was controlled by a team of people off-stage. It’s not exactly the best acting, and according to the actors, it was plenty difficult to work with. Robot divas are such a pain.

Remember people, just because the Uncanny Valley is just over the hill doesn’t mean we need to rush over to cross said hill.

Robot love

Japan was once an empire, then we nuked them and they became our allies. They went through an industrial revolution and subsequently went nutso. (There! Now you don’t have to read that history of Japan.) This is especially true when it comes to love.

First, a man was allowed to marry a cartoon character. Now, a couple (who physically exist in real life) were married by a robot. The happy couple agreed to a ceremony officiated by an I-Fairy, which is not, in fact, a Pokemon. It’s actually a robot that apparently is also a justice of the peace.

We are only steps away from having robots that we can have divorce us. Progress!

Robot needs food badly

Then you know what? It can die.

Please don’t hurt me!

So this is how the worlds, eh? By our own hand. A technology company has managed to create the world’s first “eating” robot.
Right now, it looks like the biomass it “converts” is limited to “green” plant matter, but I’m sure we’ll see future models that can consume fruits, animal carcasses, small animals, human corpses, civillians, enemy soldiers. . .

Don’t worry, though; this project is sponsored by the US Department of Defense, so it can’t possibly go far from wrong.

Moving left at start does not compute

Great. We are SO boned now. First step, Atari games, next step, the enslavement of humanity. Or our eradication. Whichever our robot overlords feel up to once they assume control.

At Rutgers University, a robot has learned how to play Pitfall for the Atari. Thanks to the university’s Object-Oriented Markov Decision Processes, the AI tries then tries again until it knows how to do something. Also, it dances.

Imagine what happens when it applies this knowledge to killing the human race?

Giant robot to fight for America’s freedom, not actually all that giant

A man in America is constructing his own gargantuan piloted robot, no doubt to repel an invasion by nefarious foreign powers with their own mechanized monstrosities. And by foreign power, I totally am talking about Japan.

U.S. Army mechanic Carlos Owens put his skills to good use, developing freedom’s last hope since 2004, starting from a scale model made of wood and later moving up to cold, unfeeling metal. America’s defender is powered by a complex (but freedom-infused) network of hydraulic cables and cylinders, and stands 18 feet tall.

18 feet might not sound like much compared to the nearly 60-foot-tall Gundam at Odaiba, but Owens’ masterpiece possesses several key advantages even at this early stage. That complex (freedom-infused) hydraulic network allows the machine to move its arms and bend its knees, allowing it an unsurpassed degree of agility. So far we only observed the Gundam twisting its head, likely to gaze across the seas at its rival. Advantage: no one, since nothing is complete.

Clearly, the next step would be to place “Neo” before every country’s name, and flee to space. Everything after that will be epic.



That’s not the sound of your greatest fantasies coming one step closer to becoming true. Think your worse nightmares instead.

A 60-year-old crazy scientist man has spent eleven years of his life creating a giant mecha beetle or, to be more specific, a giant mecha rhinoceros beetle. The “Kabutom RX-03” is an 11-meter long metal paperweight and weighs in at fifteen tons. It is controlled within the robots cockpit, but can also be controlled by remote, which is awkwardly named “Kabutom Ragio Controrea.”

This isn’t just a prop since it can move as well. It drags itself using its giant legs with help from the wheels located at the bottom of the beetle’s thorax. It can also hold up to six adults soldiers in its abdomen.

Based off of all the recent technological progress in robotics as of late and combined with this latest bit of news, I think we all know what this means: Japan has decided to become a traitor to the human race and team up with the animals. We must all band together and put a stop to this before your house is trampled over by a legion of these tanks when Japan invades America.


Annnnnnd there goes Malaysia.

All right, so at the end of World War II (aka, the War We Won, Gol-Dernit), we took away Japan’s military presence, leaving them with the Self Defense Force. They’re only allowed to spend 2% of their GDP on the protectorate of the nation (which is still a heckuva lot of money, mind you), and so it leaves them with a lot of free time.

I guess that’s why they built a giant killer robot. You know, for “art.” At least that’s what artist Yanobe Kenji says.

According to him, the robot will be safe from the whims of evil men who want to conquer the world.

“This giant toratan doll is the ultimate child’s weapon, as it sings, dances, breathes fire, and follows only those orders given by children.”

Oh great, let children control a device that breathes fire and has a true purpose as “art.” We’ll be real safe then. Smooth move, Japan. It’s not like you already have a scary history with robots.

The robot, sighted in Roppongi, stands about 24 ft tall and is made of aluminum, steel, brass, FRP, and styrofoam. What does that mean?The best way to take the behemoth down would be with a giant magnet. Either that, or just start fighting the kids controlling the thing. They’ll go down pretty easy.

Unless they don’t go down easy at all. In which case, SG would like to print a correction: at the end of World War II, we every country but the United States of America took away Japan’s military presence, leaving them with the Self Defense Force.

You missed the Uncanny Valley by this much

Hey there, science kids! A new robot is on the prowl. You know where?

Here’s a hint: the robot is female (in design), looks like a blow-up doll and can be your friend. If you guessed Japan based off of those hints, then you’re right!

That’s right, those traitors to the human race are once again unleashing a robot upon the world that could possibly kill us all. It’s bad enough when they threaten the lives of our future and also try to put people out of a job — now they’re trying to make robots the latest fashion trend! The HRP-4C will make its runway debut at the Tokyo Fashion Show, most probably displaying all the hottest designs in what’s new and trendy for the on-the-go metallic overlord.

Unfortunately, HRP-4C didn’t function as planned today. Reports say that the robot, “kept looking surprised, opening its mouth and eyes in a stunned expression, when the demonstrator had asked it to smile or look angry.” Hmm, sounds like a fully functional model-slash-actress to us.

Most everyone would assume that’s the equivalent of Dull Surprise. But maybe in this case, it’s Doll Surprise?

Luckily, she appears to be stuck in “Asimo-Walk” mode. Any mobility on her part could cause her to be that much deadlier.